


Coming Home To You

by baby2steph



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Actor Park Jinyoung | Jr., Alternate Universe - Canon, Artist Jackson, Bambam and Hyunjin as JJP kids, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Mark Tuan/Jackson Wang, Implied Mpreg, M/M, Married Couple, Married Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung | Jr., Married Life, Model Mark, Songwriter Jaebum, Youngjae and Yugyeom as Markson kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-05-27 09:31:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 41,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15021713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baby2steph/pseuds/baby2steph
Summary: “No matter where I went, no matter how far I drifted, no matter how long I was gone, you would come after me and bring me home.”It's difficult to Jinyoung to come to term with the fact that eighteen years later he and Jaebum drifted from one another. It's not a goodbye, but more like a warning. Jinyoung has went off trail for so long now. Jaebum should probably come and find him.





	1. Disconnected

* * *

Jinyoung stared at his own reflection in the mirror. His hand moved to touch his face, tracing the soft wrinkles around his eyes. His left eyelid has grown a little hood and he wondered why nobody has told him about it. He lifted the excess skin with his finger and waggled it. For a long time Jinyoung always looked younger than he was. People used to say that he had a baby face and even though he’d never admit it out loud, he secretly liked it. It was one of his favorite compliments. But suddenly all the years had pooled up and he looked his age—forty-five, possibly older. He still couldn’t believe the fact that he was forty-five. He started to aging. It remained him how much time has passed in the blink of an eye.

 

“What’s wrong with your eye, mom?”

Jinyoung blinked his eyes and found his oldest son, Bambam, poked his head into the bathroom and despite the irritation at being spied on, he was happy to see his face.

Bambam had been busy with school and they couldn’t really get a chance to talk. In fact, he hardly talked to his teenage son. Bambam would leave early in the morning and came back home late because he had a lot of activities in and outside of school. It wasn’t like Jinyoung was complaining. He liked the fact that his oldest son was such a productive teenager, doing everything he liked, finding opportunities and seized them with every chance he got, had passion in whatever he did, and always lived his life to the fullest—that’s his number one motto.

And he also had a boyfriend named Yugyeom. They were best friends since diaper and always spent their times together every single day. Yugyeom would pick him up in the morning and took him home safely after a very long day—it was their routine since elementary school. But now that they were officially dating, weekends were their bonding time. It was hard to separate them. Where there was Bambam, there was also Yugyeom.

 

“Why you didn’t tell me?” Jinyoung demanded.

“Tell you what?”

“About my left eyelid.” Jinyoung said, frowning deeper at his reflection. “It hangs down over my eye.”

“Only a tiny bit. I think it looks fine.”

Jinyoung shot him a look. “It makes me look like a dog. Like your boyfriend’s dog.”

Bambam winced. “Well, a little.”

 

“See?” he groaned, defeated. “My wrinkles around my eyes used to be my asset because it looked attractive and natural. It was one of my charms. I was born with it and I’m very proud of it. But now I look so old, like grannies. And like a grumpy dog. Is there some cream I can buy?”

“Mom,” he said, letting out a sigh. “It’s not a big deal looking your age. Stop exaggerating things.”

 

Jinyoung instantly shut his mouth, glancing at Bambam through the mirror. He has been told that middle school was all about experimenting with identity. But Bambam was his bravest, fearless, and the most confident son he ever had. After he turned ten, he didn’t need Jinyoung to baby him again. He was independent and knew exactly what he wanted. It was getting hard to keep up with his teenage son who had his own world. Jinyoung’s heart ached badly at the thoughts of his son didn’t need him anymore.       

Sometimes Bambam talked like an adult. His oldest son always had this strange look on his face whenever he talked to Jinyoung, especially when he was overreacting like this. It looked like it took everything in him to talk to his mother, to knock some sense into his head. When he did that, Jinyoung always wondered to himself: was he a difficult person and hard to talk to?

 

“It’s normal to look your age. You don’t have to buy cream or anything. You look natural, mom.”

Jinyoung literally whined.

“But, _it_ jingles!”

“Right, whatever.” He said, groaning. He held up his hands in a gesture of giving up. That made Jinyoung devastated and he felt that he was indeed a difficult person.

“I have to go, mom. Yugyomie’s waiting outside. Bye!”

 

And just like that, before Jinyoung could say a single thing in return, Bambam was already gone. Jinyoung sighed, staring at his face again. His son was right. There was nothing he can do about his aging and his excess skin— _ugh_. He was old.

 

* * *

 

**_You have received an instant message from: JINYOUNG_ **

 

Jinyoung    : MARK

Jinyoung    : ARE YOU THERE

Jinyoung    : PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE THERE I’M GOING CRAZY HERE

Mark           : Jinyoung, stop capitalizing each word. You make me dizzy

Jinyoung    : I’m old Mark. This morning I stared at my reflection in the mirror and my eyes look like your dog’s.

Mark           : Jinyoung, isn’t it too late to have a midlife crisis?

Jinyoung    : /cries/ right? I’m getting old. I’m an old man now.

Mark           : What do you want me to say?

Jinyoung    : /sobs/ I don’t know. Anything. You’re my best friend. You’re supposed to make me feel better. That’s your job.

Mark           : /sighs/ Honey, it’s normal okay. You’re forty-five.

Jinyoung    : Don’t say it out loud.

Mark           : Fine. Whatever.

Jinyoung    : When will you come over to visit me? I miss you guys (except Yugyeom because he comes here almost every day. He is Bambam’s boyfriend after all)

Mark           : Soon. I have to fly to China today. New photo shoot.

Jinyoung    : That’s great honey. Good. Good.  

Mark           : I’m sorry. I know you’ve been through a lot the past few years.  

Jinyoung    : Don’t worry. I am a very happy housewife. Currently jobless, but happy nevertheless. My world only revolves around the four walls. And my activities are _various_ and _interesting_ : chores, nap, cooking, reading, writing, that’s it. Very domestic. But it’s my decision to take a break from acting so that’s okay. I am okay.

Mark           : Everything is going to be fine honey. And you still have the best peaches I swear. You’re not that old. Don’t worry.

Jinyoung    : I know.

Mark           : Don’t be sad. Go out. Buy new jeans. And new books.

Jinyoung    : No. Too old to move. Just come to visit me soon, honey!

Mark           : Soon. Anyway, any plans for your anniversary?

Mark           : Hello?

Mark           : Jinyoung? Are you still there?

Mark           : Don’t ignore me you little shit

Jinyoung    : Mark, language. You are a mother and you have two sons.

Mark           : So?

Jinyoung    : So, what?

Mark           : Your anniversary. It’s tomorrow right?  

Jinyoung    : Yes. I know. I don’t know. I mean I’ll figure something out. Okay. GTG (I’ve learned that from your youngest son by the way)

 

* * *

 

Ever since his last movie had ended almost a year ago, Jinyoung decided to take a break from acting. He stayed at home, being a full-time housewife. He has been working nonstop since his first debut almost 27 years ago. He wanted to take a break from the entertainment world for a while. It felt good to have a lot of free time and he was able to do something he always wanted to do but couldn’t before.

Now that he stayed at home, his routine had changed. He didn’t have to leave at ungodly hours when his kids were still sleeping or travel for days, sometimes months, to shoot a movie in another city. He devoted his time to his kids and his husband. Now he woke up around 6 in the morning to make breakfast, drop the kids off their school, came back to an empty house and do whatever he wanted to do (Nap, read, nap, nap, read, read—mostly that).

Jinyoung loved the hours between 05:00 and 07:00. The days were getting longer and he got the house to himself; Hyunjin had basketball practice, Bambam was still in school or having a date with Yugyeom, and Jaebum rarely pulled into the driveway before 08:00. Usually after he took a quick nap, he would do a run through the house, feeding Jaebum and Bambam’ cats—they had five cats in the house—, folding clothes, de-cluttering, and then he would cook for dinner. His cooking skill was getting better now. But he wasn’t a fancy cook. That’s Jaebum’s department. Honestly Jinyoung hated cooking but a few months after Bambam was born, Jinyoung knew he had to learn how to cook because Jaebum didn’t always at home and he would never let his kids starve.

 

When the clock strike at 06:00, the front door was flung open and Hyunjin yelled, “I NEED TO PEE.”

 

Jinyoung looked up and found his youngest son barged in, speed-walking to the bathroom. His hair messy and his shirt was drench with sweat it clung to his body like a second skin. He threw his bag to the floor and it fell with a loud thud. Hyunjin had a thing about not using the bathroom at school, so he held it all day. Jinyoung wondered how he managed to do that. He was forty-five, old and tired, and it was impossible for him to do something like that. How wonderful it is to be young.

Another reason why Jinyoung loved the hours was that that was when the empty house filled back up again and within 30 minutes all of his de-cluttering was for naught. For some reason that gave him pleasure.

Jinyoung turned off the television and got up from his seat, picking up Hyunjin’s bag as he walked to the kitchen.

 

“Where’s your brother?”

“EATING YUGYEOM’S FACE IN THE DOORWAY. GROSS.” He yelled from the bathroom.

Before Jinyoung could say something, Bambam walked into the kitchen and made a face.

“It’s hyung for you, Im Hyunjin,” Bambam said, clearly not amused with his brother’s behavior. “Yugyeom is older than you. You need to respect him. And no, we’re not eating each other’s face in the doorway.”

Hyunjin opened the bathroom’s door with a loud bang and grinned like a cat. Sometimes his youngest son liked a dramatic entrance.

“Never.” He said, his face was smug.

Bambam narrowed his eyes at his brother. “How disrespectful.”

“Whatever.”

 

When you told Hyunjin not to do something, then he would definitely do it. He was very mischievous. Jinyoung could only shake his head and sighed.

 

“Hyunjinie, listen to your brother. It’s rude, baby.”

Hyunjin pouted at his mother.

“I’m not a baby.”

Jinyoung’s heart broke a little but he didn’t say anything in return. Hyunjin left the kitchen without saying anything. Bambam snorted.

“He is so annoying.”

“He’s eleven.”

“I’m not like that when I’m eleven.” He said. And then he left too and Jinyoung was again.

 

But he was right.

Bambam and Hyunjin was so different. Bambam was realistic, smart, funny, brave, creative, and a very sassy boy—he hated to admit it but Bambam definitely got it from him because his husband was nothing but a sweetheart. Bambam had a baby face but he acted like an adult: responsible and dependable. Jinyoung always worried about him because he secretly wished Bambam could be a little bit loose and cheerful like kids his age. Just a year ago Bambam and he were so close. Now he treated Jinyoung like he did his brother—as a family member who must be tolerated. Jinyoung tried to appear nonchalant about it but deep down he wanted him to slow down a little bit.

And then there’s Hyunjin. His twelve-year-old son, Hyunjin.  He was a dreamer. A normal eleven years old kid and Jinyoung was beyond thankful. His youngest was noisy, lazy, and messy. He nagged, whined, and complained a lot. But Hyunjin was a very sweet and kind kid, just like his father. He needed attention and Jinyoung was more than willing to give him that. Hyunjin still needed him, that’s what Jinyoung liked the most about his eleven years old son. Even though sometimes Hyunjin could be very mischievous, Jinyoung preferred him that way.

Being 45 was something new for Jinyoung. Everything was fine. Jinyoung liked to think like that. His led a normal and happy life. He had beautiful sons, difficult and hyperactive sometimes but he couldn’t ask for more. He was grateful for what he had. But one morning when he woke up and stared at his own reflection in the mirror, he knew something was missing.

And the next thing he knew, they drifted.

 

* * *

 

When Jinyoung woke up at 11:30, he was groggy and dazed. He blinked his eyes and stared at the empty spot beside him. It’s late and Jabum hadn’t come home yet. Jaebum always came home late these past few months. He was working on a new album for a boy group. After JJ Project disbanded many years ago, Jaebum decided to work as a songwriter and producer meanwhile Jinyoung chose to pursue his dream as an actor.

Jinyoung couldn’t go back to sleep so he decided to wait for his husband in the living room. He didn’t really remember when the last time he waited for his husband. Usually when Jinyoung woke up in the middle of the night and found his husband wasn’t there with him, he would simply go back to sleep. He didn’t know when it started but he’d stopped waiting for his husband.  

Jinyoung sat on the couch and turned on the television. After a few minutes had passed, he heard a small meow across the room. Nora showed up from behind the loveseat, jumping happily into Jinyoung’s lap.

 

“Hey bug,” Jinyoung cooed, nuzzling her face. He scratched Nora’s ears gently. “Couldn’t sleep?”

He got a small meow as an answered and smiled.

“Me too,” he sighed. “Your dad isn’t home yet. Do you want to wait here with me?”

Nora nuzzled his face in Jinyoung’s hand and that little gesture made his smile widened.

“Aaw, you’re so cute.”

 

Nora was Jaebum’s first cat. Jaebum took her from the shelter shortly after they moved into this house, couple months after they got married. At first, Nora never really liked Jinyoung and he didn’t really care about her because he wasn’t really a cat person. He’d never spent time with Nora alone and blatantly ignored her. But after Bambam and Hyunjin could run and walk without any help, Jaebum decided to bring other stray cats at home; Kunta and Odd. They were small and squishy and the kids adored them more than the old and grumpy Nora.

Jaebum was so busy with works that he didn’t really have time to care about little things anymore, including his cats. And because Jinyoung had a lot of free time and jobless at the moment, he started to play more with Nora and soon they created a strong bond. As the kids got older, it’s getting hard to keep up with them. They had their own world and Jinyoung felt lonely. The past year had been like having a toddler in the house again and Jinyoung had loved every minute of it. Nora’s grumpy and moody personality matched Jinyoung’s. She was Jinyoung’s baby, a daughter he would never have.

 

“Jinyoung?”

Jinyoung almost jumped in his seat when he heard Jaebum’s deep and rough voice. He turned around and found his husband looking at him confusedly. He clearly didn’t expect Jinyoung to wait for him.

“Hi, Jaebum,” Jinyoung said, trying to sound smooth. “You’re home.”

“It’s late. What are you doing here?”

_Waiting for you, obviously_. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“Oh.”

 

_Yeah, oh_. That stung.

It wasn’t the correct answer. The correct answer was: there was a time not so long ago when Jinyoung would wake up in the middle of the night and was so worried when he couldn’t find his husband beside him. He would go downstairs, waiting for his husband to come home. Jaebum would get mad when he found Jinyoung still awake at ungodly hours because he knew his husband was tired and needed a lot of sleep. Jinyoung would argue that he’d prefer waiting for Jaebum than sleeping alone. Jaebum would carry him to the bedroom and they would kiss, slow and tender, sometimes messy and deep tongue, and then they would fall asleep in each other’s arms, feeling incredibly happy.  

But that was a very long, _long time ago_.

 

“How’s work?” Jinyoung asked, wanting to change the sullen mood.

Jaebum nodded.

“Good.”

“Good.” He repeated.

 

Jaebum didn’t approach him. He walked straight to the kitchen. Jinyoung stared at his back, his favorite back. Jaebum pushed the hair back from his eyes, a gesture Jinyoung knew so well and for a moment he saw the young boy that he was, and remembered the day he first met him at JYPE’s building during an open audition. The years they spent together, their trainee days, the years as JJ Project, and the years they had spent as a married couple. Everything was colliding, past and present and future. Jinyoung blinked. He looked at the clock. It read 12:10. 24th May. Thursday.

 

“Jaebum?”

“Hmm?” he answered without looking at Jinyoung. He has been avoiding eye contact and Jinyoung hated it. He swallowed and griped Nora so tight she squealed angrily and scratched his wrist. See? She was very grumpy.

Jinyoung inhaled slowly before speaking again.  

“It’s our anniversary.”

 

Jinyoung could see from where he’s sitting how Jaebum’s body went stiff. He looked up and stared at Jinyoung. He looked at the calendar on the wall. And then he turned to Jinyoung again.

 

“Right,” he swallowed, staring at Jinyoung with unbearable expressions. Jinyoung couldn’t decipher it and it made him frustrated.

“It’s today.”

Jinyoung nodded woodenly. “Today.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.” Jinyoung repeated in an emotionless tone. “Eighteen years as a married couple.”  

Jaebum sighed deeply and Jinyoung didn’t know if it was a good sign or not.

“Eighteen years.”

 

A silence.

Jinyoung stared at Jaebum.

Jaebum stared back at Jinyoung.

They didn’t say anything, just staring at each other’s eyes. No hugs. No kisses. No anniversary sex. Nothing. Not even a smile.

Jinyoung wanted to say something to Jaebum. Something so he knew that there’s something wrong with their marriage. Something was missing and wasn’t right. He wanted to say to Jaebum that they were at the edge, unreachable, and disconnected. Someone had to do something to save their marriage. But he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. He just couldn’t.

 

“Happy anniversary, Jinyoung.” Jaebum said, his voice softened.

Jinyoung just nodded as he got up from the couch with Nora in his arms.

“Happy anniversary, Jaebum.” He said, this time it’s him who avoided his gaze. “I’m going to bed. Are you coming with me?”

“Later.”

Jinyoung nodded.

“Good night, Jaebum.”

“Good night, Jinyoung.”

 

That night, Jaebum didn’t come to their room and the next morning Jinyoung found him sleep on the couch.

 

* * *

 


	2. Unreachability

* * *

“Drop it, Chou, you little shit!” Bambam yelled from upstairs.

 

Jinyoung could hear the dog running manically on the hardwood floors, most likely carting around a roll of toilet paper. It was a very warm Sunday morning and for once Yugyeom and Bambam decided to stay at home because they had some homework to do. Yugyeom had brought Jackson's dog with him, Chou, because his house was empty and he didn't have the heart to leave the dog alone. His brother, Youngjae, was currently staying in their grandparent's house and he'd brought Coco with him, their little dog. Chou means "cabbage" in French and it could be used as a term of endearment akin to 'darling' or 'dear', which of course turned out to be the complete opposite of the dog's personality. Chou was half Tibetan spaniel and half God-knows-what else, a twelve-pound dog who loved to eat his own poop. Bambam hated the dog as much as he hated Jackson's organic food. He called Chou 'a little devil' but loved Coco to death. Jinyoung really felt bad for Chou because people treated him unfairly. He liked the dog because he always preferred a spirited dog.

 

“He needs to go out, honey.” Jinyoung said when he entered the kitchen. Yugyeom and Hyunjin were already eating their breakfast. Jaebum was nowhere to be seen. His husband had left home early in the morning, telling him that he still had some works to do.

“Yes. I will take him out later, Eomma.” Yugyeom said, munching his sandwich messily. He was a child sometimes.

Jinyoung took his mug from the cupboard and poured himself a cup of black coffee. He sipped the hot liquid slowly and lowered the cup, staring at the grown-up boys before him.

“Hyunjinie, will you take Chou out instead? You can also do some exercise.”

Hyunjin made a face.

“Please?”

His youngest grunted. “Fine.”

Yugyeom ruffled his hair. “Thank you, kid.”

“Don't touch my hair!” Hyunjin grumbled, pushing the older away. Yugyeom laughed. He liked to tease Hyunjin because he was like a younger brother to him.

“Eomma, I need to go upstairs now. Thank you for the breakfast.”

 

Jinyoung nodded and Yugyeom quickly ran upstairs because Bambam had been calling his name. A grumpy and cranky Bambam was scary, all of them knew better than to test his patience. Jinyoung took a seat across the table from his youngest son. He pointed his left-eyelid.

 

“Why didn't you say something?”

Hyunjin looked up at his mother.

“What? About your left eyelid that hangs down over your eye?”

“So you knew!” Jinyoung groaned, looking at his youngest with narrowed eyes. “But you didn’t say a thing about it.”

 

Jinyoung depended on Hyunjin. They were close, especially in matters of grooming. They had a deal. Hyunjin's responsibility was Jinyoung's hair and face. He would tell Jinyoung when his roots were showing so his mother could book an appointment with Yamada, his hairdresser. And in return, Jinyoung's responsibility was his odor. To make sure he didn't exude one. For some reason, twelve-year-old boys couldn't smell their underarm funk.

Hyunjin did run-bys in the mornings, arms raised, waving a pit at Jinyoung so his mother could get a whiff. Jinyoung almost always said that he needed to shower. On rare occasions he lied and said that he was fine. A boy should smell like a boy.

 

“Well, I didn't say anything because dad told me to shut up.”

Jinyoung stared at him, shocked.  

“ _What_?”

Hyunjin shrugged.

“Dad said I'm not allowed to say anything about your left eyelid.”

Jinyoung almost whined. “Why?”

“I don't know, mom. Maybe he knows that you will freak out.”

 

Jinyoung could only stare at his son, bewildered. He didn't quite know how to react to this. If Jaebum really told Hyunjin not to say anything because he knew—that bastard always knew—that Jinyoung would freak out and made a fuss about it, that meant his husband paid attention to him. Jinyoung almost forgot how it felt like having Jaebum's attention to him. There was a time when Jaebum devoted his time and attention only for him. Jinyoung liked being the sole attention of Jaebum, knowing that he was his weakness. But at that time they were still young and free from responsibility. It was fine after they had Bambam. They still could find time for each other.

And then Hyunjin arrived, a colicky, drooling, aggressively unhappy baby. Jaebum fled to the sanity of his studio each day and Jinyoung stayed home on maternity leave for two months. After that, everything was a blur to Jinyoung. So it felt new to know his husband paid attention to his eyelid—a little thing that always mattered more to Jinyoung.

 

“Ugh, it's really not that bad. Even Mama has one too!”

Jinyoung slumped deeper in his seat. He knew he was too old to throw a tantrum and he should have felt embarrassed to do it in front of his youngest son. But he couldn't help it. He was upset right now. 

“Your mama is a model. His face is his asset. Even he looks beautiful without make-up. Your mom over here doesn't have a face as smooth as a model.”

Hyunjin frowned, staring at his mother disapprovingly.

“You still look beautiful, mom.”

 

Jinyoung's heart broke a little and he instantly melted. His youngest rarely showed his sensitive side because he thought it would make him appear weak and girly—no matter how many times Jinyoung told him that there’s nothing wrong with men showing their emotions. That didn't mean he was weak. We were all human and it was a normal thing to do. But he was twelve and he acted tough like boys his age.

Hyunjin was his dearest. He was just like Jaebum. Sometimes when Jinyoung looked at his youngest, he got a glimpse of younger Jaebum in him and it made the sore place in his heart ached longingly.

 

“I love you.” Jinyoung blurted out. Hyunjin made a face.

“I know.”

“Can you say it back for once, please?” Jinyoung pleaded but Hyunjin already got up from his seat.

“Later.”

Jinyoung pouted. “Okay then. But thank you for saying something nice. You are my number one youngest son.”

“I am your only youngest son.”

“And number one at sports.” Jinyoung said, smiling brightly. Hyunjin just grumbled and left the kitchen to chase Chou who's currently having an intense fight with Nora—they were eternal enemies.

“CHOU, PUPPY, LET'S GO OUT.”

 

Jinyoung smiled when Hyunjin tackled Chou to the ground, laughing loudly. At times like this, Jinyoung was reminded that there was also a part of him in Hyunjin and it made him incredibly happy. 

 

* * *

 

“MAAAAAARK~”

Jinyoung draped his arms over Mark's shoulder as soon as his lifetime best friend stepped inside his house. He crushed him hard, sobbing in his shoulder. Mark grunted but hugged him back, patting his back gently.

“It's been toooo long,” Jinyoung said in between his tears. “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too,” Mark said, his voice soft and sincere. “But you're scary when you're acting overdramatic like this.”

Jinyoung let go of Mark and took a step backward to face his best friend. He wiped his tears, scowling at Mark.

“You are so ungrateful.”

“You're grumpy and annoying.”

 

It was Mark's day off and he decided to pay a visit to his best friend. It's been awhile since their last meeting and Jinyoung was happy. They sat on the couch, catching up with each other. Mark had a lot to tell him because he'd been traveling across Asia for two months and Jinyoung listened to him tentatively. Even after years Mark was still passionate about his job as a model. He wasn't young anymore and he didn't show up on cover magazines often like he used to be but he did a lot of workshops and had his own agency. Hearing Mark talked about his job made Jinyoung missed his. Being an actor was always a challenge for him but he loved it. It was his dream and every time he'd finished filming a movie, he would discover new sides of himself and no matter how small it was, it never failed to make him happy. He knew that he’s growing every day and there's always something to learn.

Jinyoung and Mark spent hours lounging on the couch, binge-watching new drama on Netflix. It’s not every day they got the house for themselves. Hyunjin and Bambam were still in school and Jaebum was working.

 

“Jackson just texted me,” Mark said, eating his last slice of pizza. “He said he's on the way here with Jaebum.”

Jinyoung hummed, eyes fixed on the screen. Mark nudged his legs.

“You okay?”

“Of course. Why wouldn't I?”

Mark sighed. “You're making me worried. Something seems off with you.”

Jinyoung finally looked at his best friend. He smiled a little.

“You know I will always tell you if something happens.”

Mark paused for a moment before nodding.

“Fine,” he said. “How's your anniversary with Jaebum?”

 

Jinyoung tried to swallow the lump in his throat and knew he couldn't meet Mark's eyes because his best friend would immediately see through him. He averted his gaze and stared back at the television, trying so hard to appear nonchalant about it.

 

“We didn't celebrate it.”

Mark chocked on his diet coke. He looked at Jinyoung incredulously.

“You're joking.”

Jinyoung shrugged, fidgeting in his seat. He didn’t want to talk about it. “He's busy. Besides, it was just an anniversary. It's like any other day.”

“What? Jinyoung—“

Mark couldn't finish his sentence because the front door opened and Jackson showed up with Jaebum. Before Mark could get up to welcome his partner, Jackson beat him first. He plopped onto the couch, pulling Mark against his chest. He kissed the corner of his lips gently.

“Hey you, my angel.”

Mark wrapped his arms around him, smiling beautifully. “Hey you too, handsome.”

 

Jinyoung watched them interact and felt awe and a dash of envy. Jinyoung adored their relationship because it was so beautifully functional. The stare Jackson shot Mark when he thought nobody was looking was soft and filled with a sweet yearning. Even after years, it didn't change at all. Jinyoung hated that line _you complete me_ , but Jackson and Mark's case, it was true. Mark was Jackson's missing half. Everybody needed somebody like that in their life. Jackson and Mark had been a couple shortly after he and Jaebum started dating. They lived in the same house, had two sons, but they weren’t married. Jinyoung never asked but once Mark told him that he was content with what he had with Jackson. They loved each other but didn't feel the need to solidify their relationship. Mark and Jackson was a living proof that you didn't need marriage to spend the rest of your life with someone you love. Sometimes love didn't always come in convenient packages anyway.

Jinyoung looked across the room and caught Jaebum's eyes. His husband tensed when they locked eyes and quickly broke the eye contact. Jinyoung was once again reminded that what he had with Jaebum right now was completely different with what Jackson and Mark had. And his heart ached badly whenever he thought about it. Just what went wrong between them…

 

* * *

 

Tonight Jinyoung was accompanying Jaebum to Seoul Music Awards. It would be his first appearance in public after his hiatus. Almost every year his husband was nominated as best songwriter but it's been awhile since his last award. Jinyoung wished his husband would get the awards tonight. He knew just how important it was for him. His husband has been working nonstop for the past few years and it would be nice if he could get more recognition and acknowledgment from the public.

Jinyoung had been looking forward to it. There would be live music and going to music awards show always brought a sense of nostalgia to him. It reminded his days as JJ Project with Jaebum. When they were young and pure and music was the only thing they knew to keep alive.

Jinyoung put his suit on and stood in front of the full-length mirror. It fitted his body perfectly. He'd applied light make-up and his silk black hair combed in a comma over his forehead. Checking himself one last time, Jinyoung applied his favorite cologne to his wrist and walked downstairs. Sitting on the couch, his lightly colored hair fell in a messy cascade over his face, was his oldest son, Bambam.

 

“Bamie, sweetheart, will you please look up from that thing? I need your opinion.”

Bambam looked up with a low grunt, scanning him from head to toe for a whole minute before nodding his head approvingly.

“You look good.”

“Like real good?”

“Yeah.”

 

Despite his curt answers, Jinyoung was happy to get Bambam's acknowledgment. His oldest son was the star in this house. He was the fashionista. His clothes were all branded. He and Mark were the perfect combination when it came to fashion. Sometimes it looked like he was Mark's son than his. Bambam always came to Mark if he wanted to talk about the newest trends because Jinyoung wasn't interested in trends. He was very old-fashioned. There were times when Jinyoung wished he was more like his oldest son. He remembered the wide legged pants he had in early debut days as JJ Project and wondered why he didn't have the courage to dress like Bambam does, always so full of confidence and he had this strong aura that made him looked stunning with whatever he’s wearing.

 

“Jinyoung, are you ready?” Jaebum yelled from outside.

“It's really good, right?”

Jinyoung asked once again to make sure he looked good enough and Bambam sighed loudly.

“Yes, mom. Now, go. Dad's waiting.”

“Alright, then,” he said. “There's a pizza in the freezer and please make sure your brother is in bed by ten. We should be home after that.”

Bambam nodded and Jinyoung quickly ran outside.

 

* * *

 

Jaebum didn't get the awards. Instead, a newcomer songwriter had won it. His husband didn't say anything but Jinyoung knew it destroyed him. His features were stoic, his face hard. He didn't say anything throughout the show and he still didn't say a word when they slid into the car, ready to go home. There was traffic and Jinyoung wished there wasn't. He wanted to go home, curling up on the couch with his book and Nora. Glancing at his husband, Jinyoung made a throat-clearing sound before speaking.

 

“Are you okay?” he asked carefully, not wanting to upset him more.

“Yeah,” Jaebum mumbled. Jinyoung's throat closed and he didn't know what to say again.

“You can always talk to me.” He tried again after a beat of silence.

“Well, too bad. I don't even want to talk about it.”

Jaebum spat harshly and Jinyoung couldn't hide the hurt on his face. His eyes stinging but he tried not to take it personally. This was typical Jaebum. When he's hurt he became even more detached. He closed himself off and didn't let people in.

 

Leaning against the window, Jinyoung gazed out at the giant LED screens. They twinkled, they blinked, and they shone brightly in the night. He sighed, sinking deeper into his seat. Jaebum's rejection hurt more than he'd wanted to admit. Jinyoung didn't blame him though. He knew it was hard for his husband but he wished Jaebum didn't shut him out. Staring at his blank face through the car window, Jinyoung wanted so badly to catch him by the shoulders. He wanted to hug him until his feet left the ground. He wanted to tuck his head into Jaebum's neck and felt his arms a little too hard around his ribs. He wanted to comfort him. He wanted to tell him that everything was going to be alright. He wanted to kiss him senseless and told him that he was here. He's always been here. But he couldn't. He stayed rooted in place, feeling torn.

 

“Jinyoung?”

Jinyoung's body jolted when Jaebum called his name. He straightened his body and turned around to face him.

“Yes?”

His husband finally looked at him directly for the first time tonight. Jinyoung held his breath, waiting in anticipation.

“Nothing.” Jaebum said after a very long silence between them and Jinyoung’s stomach quickly dropped. His husband just shook his head and turned up the music. Jinyoung forced the lump down his throat.

A couple of minutes passed before Jaebum talked again.

“About our anniversary…” Jaebum started, sounding so awkward and hesitant. “I’m sorry we couldn’t celebrate it.”

 

Jinyoung caught his breath, surprised the by the suddenness of the apology. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again. Jinyoung stared at him. Everything seemed out of plumb. Who was this man? He barely recognized him. His face was lean because of all the running. His jaw firm. He hadn't shaved in days and he's sporting light stubble. Jinyoung wanted to say that he knew this man before him, but he wasn't so sure anymore.

 

“Jinyoung?”

Jinyoung blinked. “Yes?”

“I said I’m sorry,” Jaebum repeated, eyeing him. “Did you listen to what I say?”

“Oh, yeah,” Jinyoung said, blinking his tears away. “It’s okay. You’re busy.”

“Okay.”

They fell into silence again.  

 

Remembering their anniversary only made Jinyoung’s stomach twisted. For the first time since they’d started dating, they didn’t celebrate their anniversary. It was like a tradition for them and Jinyoung would be lying if he said it didn’t hurt him. It hurt a lot and it made him upset and frustrated. Anniversaries were the times where they would look back on their past.

Jinyoung and Jaebum hadn't had a traditional church wedding—or much of a reception. They got married in Jaebum's parents’ backyard in Goyang City. The lilacs were in bloom and Jinyoung carried a handful of branches that his sisters had gathered into a bouquet. Everything was simple and private. It happened right after JJ Project's disbandment and both of them didn't have enough income at that moment. They spent their honeymoon in Jeju, in a cabin somebody owned on a muddy river. They spent five days there, the five best days ever. Jinyoung was the one who suggested they get married in Goyang. He knew Jaebum would like it. Their break up, their almost break up, was still fresh in his memory and Jinyoung wanted Jaebum to look back on their wedding day and feel happy about all of it. He wanted him to be happy that day.  

Those memories made Jinyoung’s heart ached painfully. If only they could go back in time, he’d go back on their wedding day to experience how it felt like to be happy.

 

“Do you want to grab a dinner before going home?”

“No. I'm full.” Jinyoung mumbled, suddenly feeling emotionally drained.  

Jaebum cleared his throat.

“Thank you for coming with me tonight.”

Was that Jaebum's way of apologizing for how dismissive he was tonight? Jinyoung just nodded nonchalantly.

“Uh-uh.”

“Did you have fun?”

“Sure.”

Jaebum paused. “You're a very bad liar, Im Jinyoung.”

 

* * *

 


	3. Breaking Point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Please read] I've decided to change the title slightly because I've noticed that there are a lot of jjp fics with the same title and I just want to make mine slightly different. I think it wasn't too late to change it now. I hope you guys understand^^

* * *

 

"I want to work again."

 

Jinyoung blurted out as soon as Jaebum stepped in their shared bedroom, his shoulders hunched and dark circles evident under his tired eyes. Jinyoung quickly regretted his impulsive action but he'd been waiting for his husband a whole day to just tell him the news. Taking a break from acting was his own decision because at that time Jinyoung was tired and there's a lot going on his life. He needed some time for himself. It was a right thing to do. Staying at home helped him cleared his mind. He got to do whatever he wanted to do, going to places he'd been dying to visit, meeting all his friends and families. He also got a lot of time to spend with his sons. Staying at home was something Jinyoung relished. But lately home suffocated him and he needed to get away. Going back to work was the best option he could think and after talking with his manager, he decided to go back to work again.

 

Jaebum sighed, taking off his jacket as he approached his husband.

“Okay.” He simply said but it was enough for Jinyoung. “You know I will always support you.”

“I know,” Jinyoung said, his voice softened. His support was all he needed. “Thank you.”

Jaebum nodded his head, minimally, then brushed past Jinyoung, leaning over just enough to touch his lips to his cheek. Then he padded over to the bathroom, leaving Jinyoung alone and his own thoughts.

 

* * *

 

Jinyoung pulled into the driveway, letting out a huge sigh of relief as he slid out of his car. He just finished his schedule for the day, filming some scenes for his upcoming movie and had an interview with Littor—a literature magazine—that he'd enjoyed so much. It was past eleven and his sons must have fast asleep. Jinyoung walked to the front door and was surprised to find that it wasn't locked. He stepped inside quietly, afraid to break the tranquil night. The lights were off in the living room but the TV was still on.

He could smell something in the air and scrunched his face when he stumbled over dried poop on the floor. There was a stack of laundry folded on the coffee table and Jinyoung grabbed whatever was on top to wipe it up. When Jaebum stepped into the archway between the living room and the dining room, Jinyoung was crouched on the floor, scooping up the poop with a pair of Bambam's underwear—his oldest would definitely kill him because even his underwear was branded and absolutely expensive.

 

“Sorry,” Jaebum said apologetically. “Yugyeom and Chou were here. Bambam pissed Chou and he started to poop everywhere. I just finished cleaning the living room.”

“It's okay. It happens from time to time.”

Jinyoung stood up, throwing the underwear into the trash bin and made a mental note to buy exactly like that so his son wouldn't get suspicious. Bambam always noticed when his things disappear.

“You hungry?”

“Yeah.” Jinyoung said, following Jaebum to the kitchen.

 

Jaebum walked to the stove and turned on a burner. He was wearing pajama pants and a white T-shirt and he looked like he'd just gotten a haircut. He looked clean and Jinyoung liked the fact that he could see his eyes directly now. His husband made kimchi stir-fry and put an egg on top of it, then he set the plate in front of him. Jinyoung muttered a small thank you and Jaebum nodded as he took a seat across him. His husband watched him as he ate and Jinyoung suddenly felt giddy inside. He even smiled a little as Jinyoung pushed the empty plate away. When Jaebum smiled, he looked so much younger. Jinyoung wanted to pull him over the breakfast bar and nose at his cheeks—that was the standard response to Jaebum smiling even though his husband probably wouldn't know that.

 

“Thank you for the meal. It's really good.”

Jaebum nodded, pouring him a glass of water.

“You eat so well.”

Jinyoung stared at him, face flushed. Though he was slightly confused, Jinyoung felt happy getting a compliment from him. It wasn’t really a compliment but still, it was a good thing to hear. He wondered what had happened to make his husband like this. He was in such a good mood tonight.

“Did something happen?” Jinyoung couldn't help himself but ask bluntly. Jaebum looked at him and raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean?”

Jinyoung cleared his throat. “You seem... happy. I don't know. Your mood is really good.”

Jaebum chuckled lightly.

“Maybe I am,” he said. “I'm just excited for mom's birthday.”

 

_Oh, crap_.

Jinyoung bit his tongue, mentally scolding himself. His mother-in-law’s birthday was tomorrow. He was so caught up in his jobs that he totally forgot about their little tradition. On their parents’ birthdays, Jinyoung and Jaebum would bring the kids to their grandparents’ houses. They would bring a bouquet of flower and spend a whole day there. No matter how busy they were, they never missed it. Jinyoung couldn’t believe himself. How could he forget such an important thing like this?

 

“Jaebum, I need to tell you something.”

Jinyoung took a deep breath. He knew it wasn't a good start but he just had to get this over with. Jaebum leaned back against his seat and raised an eyebrow.

“Okay.”

“So... you know I'm still in the middle of filming my upcoming movie, right? It will be released soon.”

Jaebum nodded. “Yeah. I know. What about that?”

Jinyoung swallowed loudly. It was getting hard looking at his eyes; those deep endless black eyes. His eyes that were drilling into Jinyoung's. Jaebum looked at him then, waiting.

“The director wanted to re-take some scenes because he wasn't satisfied. It was a very last minute decision. I couldn't say no because we're running out of time.”

Jaebum's eyebrows knitted. Jinyoung was sweating and he started to squirm in his seat.

“Okay?” Jaebum said, confused. “I think that’s very normal, no?”

“Yes...” Jinyoung answered, his heart beating uncontrollably. “I know. But he wanted to do it immediately.”

“When?”

Closing his eyes, Jinyoung braced himself for the worst. “...tomorrow.”

 

The kitchen was quiet. Jinyoung opened his eyes again and stared at his husband. There was the Jaebum he knew and loved. The folded arms, the narrowed eyes, the knots of muscle in both corners of his jaw. His jaw was set hard and Jinyoung knew from the experience that it wasn't a good sign.

 

“Tomorrow.” Jaebum dead panned. “Tomorrow's my mother's birthday.”

Jinyoung sighed, suddenly feeling more exhausted than he has ever been the past few weeks.

“Yes. I know. Like I said before, it was a very last minute decision, Jaebum.”

“We never skip our parents' birthdays.”

“I know—“

“You know but you’re still doing it.” Jaebum cut him off, his voice thick and his nostrils were flaring. “My mom's expecting us.”

“I know,” Jinyoung whispered, lowering his head. “I'm sorry.”

 

Jaebum had both hands on the table, clenching the muscles in his forearms. His head was hanging down and his hair fell away from his forehead.

Jinyoung waited.

Sometimes he lost his place when he was arguing with Jaebum. The argument would shift into something else—into somewhere more dangerous—and Jinyoung wouldn't even realize it. More often than not Jaebum would end the conversation or abandon it while he was still making his point. Jinyoung wasn't sure whether this even qualified as an argument. Yet. So he patiently waited.

Back in the day, once they were fired up for a fight, it was almost impossible to stop. It would turn into something very ugly and nasty. Both of them wouldn't back down easily. Jaebum was very hot-tempered. He was burning like a flame. People knew better than to approach him when he was angry. Jinyoung was the water, his water. He was powerful enough to drown him soft. It wasn't easy dealing with hot-tempered Jaebum but there were times when Jinyoung was the only person who could calm him down. He wished he still had those effects on him.

 

“So you can't come with us tomorrow.” Jaebum finally said. He got up from his seat, taking Jinyoung's plate and walked over to the sink to wash it. His back facing him and Jinyoung desperately wanted to cling to him.

“I can go there right after I finish my schedule.”

“Don't be ridiculous, Jinyoung.” He said it almost lightly. At that moment Jinyoung decided he didn't like the way his name rolled off his tongue. “It takes almost four hours to get there. And I think by the time you get there, it will pass dinner time.”

“But…”

“You'll see us the day after.”

Jinyoung pressed his lips together and bit them. His eyes stung.

“I'll take care of the bouquet then.”

Jaebum didn't answer him. He stood up straight and wiping his wet palms on his pajama pants before turning around again. He didn’t want to look at him and Jinyoung’s heart instantly dropped.

“It's late. I'm going to bed now.”

 

Jinyoung didn't get a chance to answer him. Jaebum walked past him and then he was in the living room, lifting Nora up off the couch. Jinyoung could hear him shushing her and climbing the stairs. The silence was deafening. He slumped over the table and his forehead resting on his crossed arms. He took a deep breath and stayed there for a good ten minutes.

Everything was going to be okay. Jinyoung kept telling himself that. He desperately wanted everything to be okay.

 

* * *

 

By the time Jaebum's alarm went off at five thirty, he was already out of bed. Jinyoung blinked, making an attempt to call him but his husband was quick to get in the bathroom. Sighing, Jinyoung slowly rose in bed. He got out of his room and made his way to Hyunjin's room. It would take some time to wake his youngest. He was a very heavy sleeper. Pushing the door opened, Jinyoung entered quietly. He son was still sleeping, face-planted in his bed. Sometimes Jinyoung was worried whether he could breathe properly or not in that sleeping position.

Jinyoung walked toward the edge of the bed, shaking Hyunjin's body gently.

 

“Hyunjin, baby, wake up.”

Hyunjin didn't even move an inch. Jinyoung tried to shake his body again, harder this time.

“Hyunjinie, it's time to wake up.”

His son let out a snore. Jinyoung chuckled. He slapped Hyunjin's butt twice.

“Come on, baby. Wake up!”

 

Hyunjin whined, his eyebrows knitted. He looked so much like his father that for a moment Jinyoung felt like he was back at twenty again; waking up to Jaebum’s sleeping face every day and having him pressed closely to his body. Jinyoung loved to cuddle and Jaebum was more than happy to be his human heater. Now that Jinyoung thought about it again, he hardly saw his husband’s face when he woke up.

It was too early for being sentimental and Jinyoung shook his head lightly, trying to shake off the unsettling feeling.

 

“Mom, go away~” Hyunjin rolled around and now sprawled out on his bed. “I still want to sleep.”

“No, you can’t.” Jinyoung brushed the strands off his forehead. “It’s Grandma’s birthday, remember?”

A silence. Hyunjin didn’t move, his breathing even. But then his eyes snapped open, blinking rapidly.

“It’s today?”

Jinyoung chuckled. He knew his youngest loved to visit his grandparents because they always spoiled him.

“Yes, today. Now get up, baby. I still need to wake up your brother.”

Hyunjin’s nose wrinkled. “Ugh, I’m not a baby.”

Jinyoung rolled his eyes and playfully shoved his body off the bed.

“Whatever, maknae.”

 

Jinyoung managed to steal a kiss from Hyunjin before heading out to Bambam’s room. Jinyoung knocked on his door—he couldn’t just barge in because his oldest hated it when someone invading his privacy, _especially_ his mother—but then Bambam yelled from the inside that he already woke up and told him to leave him alone. Jinyoung pretended it wasn’t hurt and decided to walk down the stairs.

Jaebum was in the kitchen, his back facing him. Jinyoung’s steps came to a halt. He still wasn’t sure if they were okay or not. Jinyoung felt like he should have talked to Jaebum again before he left. Really talked to him. Made sure everything was okay. But when Jaebum turned around and found him standing several feet away, his head jerked slightly, like something had brushed his ear— _like he didn’t expect him at all_. Jinyoung liked to hold his head by his ears, when he'd let him because sometimes he just didn't understand why Jinyoung liked to play with his ears so much. Jinyoung could imagine his head in his hands now. Could feel his thumbs stroking the top of his ears, his knuckles brushing against his hair. Jinyoung wanted to walk over him, to reach out, but one look from Jaebum's face and Jinyoung knew he couldn't.

 

“Is there something I can help?”

Jaebum shook his head.

“No. You can go back to sleep if you want.” He said. “I called mom yesterday. She said it's okay if you can't come.”

Jinyoung swallowed. “Please tell her I'm really sorry I couldn't come with all of you.”

“Yeah.”

 

Jinyoung wanted to help but there wasn't much to do. Jaebum had already prepared everything. The clock read six in the morning when Hyunjin and Bambam came downstairs. They eyed Jinyoung weirdly when they realized that their mother was still in his old pajamas. Jinyoung let Jaebum explained to the kids why he couldn't come with them because Jinyoung just couldn't bring himself to do so. Bambam looked at him accusingly but didn't say anything. Jinyoung's stomach instantly dropped—his oldest has always been closer to Jaebum; he was team Jaebum.

After hearing his father’s explanation, Hyunjin walked over him, clinging to him. Jinyoung froze for a moment, didn't expect this kind of reaction, but he quickly pulled Hyunjin into his arms, almost crying in relief.

 

“I wish you could come with us, mom.”

Jinyoung hugged him tighter and for once Hyunjin didn't protest. He hugged his mother back.

“Me too, honey.” he whispered, dropping a kiss on his forehead. “Have fun. Tell your grandparents I say hi.”

“Will do.”

 

Jinyoung walked them out the door, kissing Hyunjin goodbye on the cheek. He leaned forward to kiss Bambam but his oldest son was quick to slide into the car, blatantly ignoring his mother. Jinyoung didn't take it personally because that was just how Bambam was around him.

Jaebum stepped up to Jinyoung when the kids already settled in the car but didn't say anything. Jinyoung cleared his throat, forcing himself to swallow a lump on his throat. 

 

“Call me when you get to your mom's.”

Jaebum nodded, but he still wasn't looking at him directly. He checked his watch.

“Okay. We’ll be going in a minute.”

Jinyoung tried to smile despite his aching heart.

“Okay.” He whispered. “Be safe.”

Feeling a little bit brave and desperate at the same time, Jinyoung lunged forward to hug him, wrapping his arms around his husband's neck. Jaebum tensed for a second before wrapping his arms around his waist ever so slowly and carefully, like it was the first time he did it. Jinyoung hugged him tighter, wanting to keep him close a little bit longer, to never let him go.

"Love you," Jinyoung whispered, holding him close in a chokehold and every molecule in his body vibrated when Jaebum squeezed his waist a little bit harder.

 

Jinyoung hadn't gotten to say "I love you" for a while, he didn't even remember when the last time said it. Jinyoung always said "I love you" and Jaebum always said it back, no matter how perfunctory it was. It was a safety check, proof that they were both still in this thing—whatever this thing was. But then they stopped doing it, Jinyoung wasn't sure why. They just stopped all of sudden.

 

Jinyoung waited but Jaebum didn't say anything.

“Love you,” he tried again, sounding more desperate than he intended. Jaebum breathed against his ear, making him quivered.

“Yeah.” He said, breathing heavily. “Me too.”

 

Jinyoung wanted to say more but then Bambam furiously knocking on the backseat window, scowling at them. Jinyoung reluctantly released him and took a step back. Jaebum dropped a quick kiss on his forehead and slid into the front seat. Hyunjin was waving at him like crazy meanwhile Bambam's eyes were fixed on his phone screen. Jinyoung waved back at his youngest, smiling. He thought he might have caught Jaebum stared at him from the wing mirror before the car turned the corner. Jinyoung's hand froze in the air. He stared blankly at nothing particular.  

And then they were gone and Jinyoung was left alone, feeling utterly lost.   

 

* * *

 

Jinyoung was on the edge. He couldn’t concentrate and messed up with his lines couple of times, making the director pissed. He was a professional and it was so unlikely himself to get distracted when he’s working. By the time of lunch, Jinyoung was so close to tears because Jaebum hadn’t called him yet. He promised him to call but he didn’t. Instead it was Hyunjin who sent him a text, informing him that they’ve arrived safely and kindly reminded his mother to have lunch. Jinyoung thanked his youngest and asked him to tell his father to call him as soon as possible.

Today was a torture but Jinyoung managed to get through it. By the time he got home, it was already past dinner time. Jinyoung didn't have an appetite and decided to skip dinner. It felt strange coming home to an empty house. He decided to wait in the living room, feeling completely drained. Jaebum still hadn't called. Jinyoung tried to call him first, but the call didn't go through and he convinced himself that might be the network in Goyang sucked. It happened sometimes.

The clock was ticking. Jinyoung waited. But still no sign of Jaebum and the kids.

Another hour passed.

Jinyoung was still there, waiting. He had been up since five thirty and he felt tired. He thought about going upstairs and hit the shower, maybe it could help his knotted muscles to relax. He was about to get up but then a car pulled into the driveway, startling him. Jinyoung practically ran to the door, eager to welcome his family. He opened the door and burst outside, searching for a familiar face. When he couldn't find him, a sharp twinge of something very close to fright twisted in the pit of his stomach. He could only stare at the duo; Bambam and Hyunjin. And no trace of his husband.

 

“Where's your father?” he asked, breathless.

Bambam frowned.

“Dad wanted to stay there for another day. Didn't he tell you that?”

Jinyoung bit his lips. An unexpected shudder rippled over his body, making him tremble. For a moment he couldn't find his voice. He just stood there, lost and angry and sad. Suddenly Hyunjin was on his side, rubbing his arm gently.

“Mom, are you okay?”

Breathe, Jinyoung. Breathe.

"Yeah," that's all he could manage. “Yeah.”

“Let's get you inside.”

 

Jinyoung could only nod. Bambam bid him goodnight but Hyunjin stayed with him. He crawled into bed with him.

 

“Are you okay, mom?” Hyunjin asked, wrapping his arms around him. Jinyoung just realized that Hyunjin's getting taller. His youngest grown up so quickly.

“I'm okay,” Jinyoung said, snuggling in closer. “Don't worry.”

Hyunjin was quiet for a moment.

“Dad didn't talk much today. He seemed upset. And you are upset too. Are you and dad okay?”

Jinyoung felt like someone just punched him in the gut, knocking him breathless. He knew Hyunjin was very attentive but he didn't expect him to be this sensitive.

“We're okay, baby.” Jinyoung whispered, trying to make his voice sounded convincing. “It's just a bad day for us.”

“Oh,” Hyunjin said softly, his hand patting his mother's arm the exact same way he used to when he was a toddler. “It's okay, Eomma. It's okay.”

 

Hyunjin hadn't called him Eomma in at least a year, maybe two. It made his eyes watered. Jinyong dropped a kiss on his forehead, holding him closer. His youngest was fast to fell asleep. After pulling the cover up his chin, Jinyoung slipped off the bed and padded over the bathroom. He locked the door and sat on the closed lid of the toilet, staring at the plain wall.

People said that after you passed the honeymoon phase and the baby was in the way, the distance between you and husband was only temporary. Once the baby was four months old, sleeping through the night, eating solids, a year old, past the terrible twos, threes, in kindergarten, reading, getting more pee in the toilet more than on the floor, had his tetanus shot, capable of putting on his own socks, no longer lied to you about brushing his teeth, no longer lullabies or storytelling before going to sleep, went to middle school, entered puberty, then you and husband would get back to normal. Then the distance would miraculously disappear. Turned out it wasn't the case and Jinyoung wanted to yell at whoever had told him that. If anything, the distance between him and Jaebum only grew wider. Longer. And unreachable. Something was nearly over. Jinyoung could feel it. He put his hand over his heart as if he could keep its contents from spilling out.

And then, after resisting for too long, he buried his face on his hands and cried.   

 

* * *

 


	4. Rollercoaster

* * *

The next day when Jinyoung got home after a very long day, the front door was locked. He fumbled for a minute with his keys. He'd told Hyunjin to leave a few of the lights on, so the house wasn't dark—it just felt dark and he didn’t like it at all. Jinyoung entered quietly, slightly tiptoeing. He tried to remember yesterday when he'd come home to an empty house and couldn't. Not today. The house was quiet and still but at least he knew that Bambam and Hyunjin were here. It made him felt better.

They moved out to this house when Jinyoung was pregnant with Bambam; their old apartment only had one bedroom and there were more tattoo parlors and the karaoke bars in their neighborhood than kids. It wasn't a good environment to raise a kid. This house really was much nicer than their old apartment but Jinyoung missed it sometimes. How small it was. How close. And he loved the way he could hear the rain hitting the roof at night. The walls had so many pictures of him and Jaebum, their memories since day one.

Jinyoung had picked out this house. He liked the porch and the yard. Jinyoung and Jaebum had decorated the house together. They'd gone to the hardware store every weekend for a year to argue about furniture. Jinyoung wanted to decorate their house like a beach house; open and not so many colors. It has always been his dream to live by the sea. But Jaebum wanted it bright and colorful because they had a baby on the way. Whenever they were close to having a fight, Jaebum almost always let Jinyoung win; it was like a habit and he'd done it almost unconsciously even when he had a chance to win the argument.

They both had steady jobs then. Jaebum started to work as a producer and songwriter. Jinyoung was on his maternity leave so there were plenty of days and nights when Jinyoung had their new house to himself. He'd watched TV shows that Jaebum would never watch with him. His husband didn't watch TV. And then, when Jaebum got home, he'd climbed over him on the couch and bother him until it was time to make dinner. That was back when Jinyoung would pretend to help. When he'd hang out in the kitchen with him while he watched him slice vegetables skillfully.

 

"You would make a great Chef." Jinyoung would say. Then Jaebum would chop extra loudly and messily just to annoy him. Jaebum loved to feed him pieces of things before the rest of dinner was ready, blowing on the fork until the bite was cool enough. How many years ago was that? Ten? Twelve? He couldn't remember.

His husband was supposed to come home today. Jinyoung hadn't called him since yesterday. He wanted to, but there's always something that stopped him from doing it. He dropped his phone and keys onto the coffee table and wandered into the kitchen. The plate of kimchi stir-fry that Jaebum had made two nights ago was still in the refrigerator. He hadn't felt like eating it yesterday even though he'd been starving. He took it out and heat it up, drumming his fingers on the counter while waiting for it to be ready. After three minutes, Jinyoung grabbed a fork and brought it out to the living room, sitting on the couch and turning on the TV for the light. There was a new drama playing on the screen and Jinyoung mindlessly watched it while shoving the kimchi stir-fry into his mouth.

Jinyoung's eyes landed on his picture and Jaebum in front of their new house that was settled on the table next to the TV. Jaebum had one arm around his shoulder as he leaned against Jinyoung. His other hand was on Jinyoung's stomach, smiling so bright it was almost blinding. Jinyoung was pregnant at that time. The first pregnancy was a blast for both he and Jaebum. It changed the dynamics between them. Jinyoung let himself be vulnerable and Jaebum let himself to be the protector. His husband was gallant. He opened doors and jars of spaghetti sauce. He held his elbow as they navigated rainy sidewalks. At nights, Jaebum would massage his swollen feet and stroked his big belly as he talked to their baby in a hushed voice—his voice was so soothing and always managed to calm their baby down. He even made a lullaby and he'd sing for both Jinyoung and their baby before they slept for nine months. They were whole, the three of them. Jinyoung could have happily stayed pregnant for years.

Jinyoung sighed, checking his watch. Jaebum still hadn't home yet. He blinked sleepily, fighting off the sleepiness. He was tired but too uncomfortable and troubled to get near sleep. Groaning, Jinyoung plopped down on the couch and fell on his back. He was still fully dressed. Lifting his bottom slightly, Jinyoung unbuttoned his jeans, yanking them off and threw it on the floor. He took off his sweater, leaving him in his brief and white plain t-shirt which was too big for him—he just realized that it was Jaebum’s.

A few minutes later when Jinyoung almost fell asleep, he heard the door being opened and his body tensed. He could hear Jaebum's footsteps nearing the spot he was laying. Jinyoung realized he wasn't ready to face his husband so he did the only thing he could think of; he pretended to be asleep. It was very quiet for a while until suddenly he could take a whiff of the musky scent that he'd come to love over the past eighteen years. Jinyoung's heart continued to beat fast as he could feel Jaebum's hot breathe against his face; it was surprisingly calming and it made Jinyoung's body melted instantly.

 

“Jinyoungie,”

Jaebum called his name in a way that made Jinyoung's heart broke in two. It reminded him of what they had in the past; when things were good and all rainbows. Jaebum hadn't called him like that for a while now. Things weren't always... what word was he looking for? Smooth? Happy?) It wasn't that things were always... easy between Jinyoung and Jaebum. Sometimes, even when they were talking, they weren't really talking. Sometimes they were just negotiating each other. Keeping each other posted. But it had never been like this before. Radio silence. Deafening silence.

And then, when Jinyoung was so determined to keep pretending that he was asleep, he felt a light touch on his cheek. It was a feather-light touch but it was Jaebum's touch. He snapped his eyes open, staring at Jaebum's intense gaze. His husband didn't even flinch. He stared back at Jinyoung with so much intensity it hurt.

 

“Jaebumie,” he whispered back, his voice trembling.

It was a bad day. Jinyoung had a headache. Heartache. His hair still smelled like Jaebum's shampoo—he'd used it this morning because he wanted to feel him close. He told himself he was just tired with his packed schedules. But he knew it wasn't the case. He was scared. Something was wrong. Something was coming. He just...

A drop of tear escaped his eye and just like that, the carefully maintained fighter facade crumbled. Jaebum was quick to climb on the couch, pulling Jinyoung's body against his. Jinyoung quickly wrapped his arms around his neck, holding on for dear life. He tried to speak, found his voice was too gravelly, and stopped. Instead, he sobbed his heart out, tears streaming down his face.

 

“I'm sorry,” Jaebum whispered in his ears, holding him tightly that he almost squeezed the air out of his lungs. But Jinyoung didn't mind at all.

For the first time in months he was this close to his husband. It felt so right, so perfect, that Jinyoung started to cry harder. Jaebum nuzzled his hair, whispering a faint 'i'm sorry' and 'it's okay' over and over again. For a long moment they're just holding on to each other, lying together on the couch.

Jinyoung remembered this couch. Back in a day if Jinyoung was sitting on it, Jaebum would sit down right beside him, even if there was plenty of room. Even if there was no room at all. Sometimes Jaebum would tug him onto his lap. He liked to rest his chin on Jinyoung's shoulder or his head on his lap. Sometimes they were sprawled out on the couch, holding on each other close, just like what they did right now.

 

“Jaebum.”

Jinyoung whispered his name. Over and over again. He couldn't think of anything else. He could only call his name. Making sure that it was real. That he was here, right there with him.

“Jinyoung.”

Jaebum whispered his name back. It sounded so right; his voice was the only thing that flooded his ears.

“Jaebum.”

“Jinyoungie.”

“You're here.”

“I'm here.”

 

Jinyoung still didn't know where their line was. He wasn't sure whether they were okay or not. It wouldn't fix their marriage, not right now, not right away. But at this moment, it was what he needed the most. He needed him close, so close they couldn't possibly be separated. With everything that was going on, Jinyoung was abruptly exhausted. Eventually he fell asleep in his husband's arms. The last thing he remembered was a whisper of his name and a soft brush over his lips.

 

* * *

 

Waking up to a sobbing Bambam wasn't how Jinyoung had planned to start his morning. His mind was still hazy but he was warm; his body was warm and when he opened his eyes and found Jaebum's eyes were staring at his, he couldn't help the blush that creeped up his cheeks. He didn't get a chance to say something to his husband, to savor the moment, because the next thing he knew, Bambam was hovering over them. Jinyoung entangled himself from Jaebum's warm arms, sitting abruptly, suddenly very alert despite his sleepiness.

 

“Bam, sweetheart, what's wrong?”

Jinyoung approached him, stopping in front of him. His oldest son was a mess. He sobbed and hiccupped at the same time. He could hardly breathe and Jinyoung was beyond worried.

“Baby, please don't cry.”

Jaebum was quick to envelop Bambam in his arms, shushing him softly. Jinyoung took one of his hands, gripping it tightly. His oldest son still couldn't stop crying. Jinyoung and Jaebum exchanged worried glances.

“Baby, what's—“

“Stupid Yugyeom is cheating on him.”

Hyunjin's voice cut him off, his voice booming.  Jinyoung turned around so fast his neck hurt. He looked at his youngest, heart beating uncontrollably.

“ _What?_ ” he breathed, bewildered.

“Bam caught him hanging out with another girl yesterday.” Hyunjin explained, his jaw was set. He looked upset and his thick eyebrows knitted.

 

Jinyoung knew that even though his sons were fighting all the time, deep down they loved each other to death. Hyunjin was a protective type. When they were kids he'd threw any objects to the person who tried to hurt his brother. In return, Bambam stuck to his side and spoiled him with toys and kisses.  

What Hyunjin just said didn’t make sense at all. It was really hard to process. Yugyeom was cheating? That sounded impossible. He knew Mark's youngest son loved his oldest to death. He loved him more than his favorite chocolate shake and his dogs.

 

“Bam, are you sure—“

“I saw him and that girl with my own eyes, mom!” Bambam snapped at his mother, wailing loudly. Jaebum held him tighter, sending a warning glare at his husband. Jinyoung took a step back, his throat closed.

“Right,” he said. “I will call Mark.”

 

He snatched his jeans and walked over to the kitchen. He pulled out his phone from his jeans' pocket and quickly dialed Mark's number. He didn't have to wait for much longer. Mark answered his call right away.  

 

_“My son's not cheating on your son.”_ Mark blurted it out in one breath as soon as he picked up the phone. _“It was just a misunderstanding.”_

Jinyoung let out a huge sigh, massaging his temple. His head throbbed painfully.

_“He said he saw your son with a girl.”_

_“She’s a friend.”_ Mark said. _“She was just happened to bump into my son. They talked for a while and that’s it.”_

_“Then why your son didn’t tell my son about her?”_

_“I don’t know, maybe because she isn’t important at all? It’s not like my son ever paid any attention to those girls who drool over his gorgeous ass. He has been spending almost his whole life following your son like a sick puppy.”_

Jinyoung could hear Jaebum’s hushed voice trying to calm their hysterical son. He also could hear Hyunjin said something along _‘stupid Yugyeom and his stupid ass’_. He made a mental note to tell Hyunjin that he wasn’t allowed to curse until Jinyoung decided it was the right time to do it—probably never, not in front of him at least.

 

_“My son just came to me, sobbing like crazy, and told me that your son is cheating on him. I'm not on my right state of mind right now and it's too early to deal with this drama.”_

Mark groaned. _“You tell me about it. Yugyeom is still crying. He is scared Bam would break up with him before he gets a chance to explain everything to him. God, why are they always make things complicated than it should be?”_

 

Jinyoung silently agreed. It was a challenge for both he and Mark. At first he wasn't sure allowing his teenager to date the son of his best friend was the right decision. Things would get ugly at some points and it would be difficult to take sides. Jinyoung hated to take sides because he knew he couldn't be fair. He would always be team Bambam. He just couldn't choose and his loyalty toward his oldest was absolute and undeniable. Mark has always been the rational one. He wouldn't blindly blame someone without hearing their explanations first. Sometimes Jinyoung wished he could be like him.

 

_“What should we do now?”_ Jinyoung asked after a beat of silence.

_“They need to talk.”_

_“Well, bring his sorry ass here before my son decided to burn down this house.”_

_“His sorry ass will be there soon, Im Jinyoung. He isn’t a coward.”_

Jinyoung winced. _“I just… it breaks my heart to see Bam like that.”_

_“You think it doesn't break my heart to see my son cries his heart out like that?”_

 

This was why sometimes Jinyoung wished their sons weren't dating. When they got into a fight, he and Mark would automatically do the same. When things were out of hand, Jinyoung would say some horrible things to Mark—things he probably shouldn't have said, along the lines of: I would have expected more from the son of my greatest best friend. And Mark would snap back at him, saying more horrible things. Sometimes Jinyoung and Mark wouldn't speak for a while. It was a torture for them but it was unavoidable.

 

_“Just... come here real fast, Mark.”_ Jinyoung pled. Just then he could hear his son screamed his heart out and it wasn't a good sign at all. _“You hear that?”_

Mark groaned on the other line.

_“Fuck,”_ he cursed loudly. _“We'll be there in 30 minutes.”_

_“Okay. Thank you. Bye, honey.”_

 

Jinyoung hung up the phone and sighed. It was going to be a very long day. 

 

* * *

 

Yugyeom, Mark, and Jackson came exactly 30 minutes after the phone call ended. A crying Yugyeom barged in, yelling Bambam's name at the top of his lungs. His son who's sitting on the couch ran upstairs when Yugyeom tried to approach him. Jinyoung, Jaebum, Mark, and Jackson sat in the living room, waiting anxiously. They were surprisingly quiet. It was very unusual. No shouting. No objects being thrown. No sound at all. After 15 minutes, a very grumpy Hyunjin came downstairs.

 

“They're back being gross again.” Hyunjin told them. The four adults in the living room instantly sighed in relief. “It was just a misunderstanding. I hate them so much. I'm going to Chan's.”

Jinyoung told him to be back before dinner but his youngest was already out of the door. He sighed, sinking deeper on the couch.

“Does anyone want coffee?”

Jinyoung asked, already making his way to the kitchen. Mark nodded but didn't get up from where he's sitting. He was talking to Jaebum about this indie band they've heard months ago. His best friend was clearly still upset with him. Only Jackson followed him to the kitchen.

 

“What do you want to talk about?” Jinyoung asked as soon as he saw Jackson entered the kitchen. His best friend smiled sheepishly.

“How do you know that I'm going to talk about something?”

“We're best friends for something.” He said, taking out 4 mugs from the cupboard. Jackson helped him brew the coffee.

“So, what is it?”

 

For some reasons Jackson looked really nervous. Jinyoung noticed it and stopped whatever he was doing at the moment. He turned to his best friend, giving him his full attention.

 

“Sseun-ah, are you okay?”

Jackson glanced at the living room where Mark and Jaebum were. He looked at his partner with stars in his eyes. Jinyoung wondered how those two could manage to keep the sparks between them even after all these years. It was endearing and heart-warming. He wished he and Jaebum hadn't lost those sparks between them. But the reality was harsh and Jinyoung had enough headaches for today.

“I have some big news.” Jackson started slowly, taking a deep breath before speaking again. “I'm going to ask Mark to marry me.”

 

Jinyoung dropped the spoon that he's currently holding. It fell on the ground with a loud thud, drawing attention from Mark and Jaebum who's still in the living. They looked up and were about to approach him but Jinyoung quickly waved his hands, telling them that he was fine. It just slipped his hand. He stared at his best friend, jaw dropping.

 

“W..what…” he tried to find the right words. “How... Jackson... you...”

Jackson took out a tiny black box from his pocket. Jinyoung gasped, taking a step back and covered his mouth.

“ _Sseun-ah_...”

Jackson placed it back into his pocket. He looked so nervous and his body was shaking. Jinyoung quickly took one of his hands, holding it tightly. Sometimes it was so easy to forget the fact that Jackson and Mark weren't married because they looked more married than him.

“Why do you want to get married now? I mean you've been together for fifteen years. You never wanted to get married before. What's changed?”

Jackson let out a deep breath.

“I'm not sure. I just woke up one morning and solidifying our relationship felt right. It's the strangest thing. I didn't know if it's my age or something. But suddenly I want tradition.”

 

For a long moment Jinyoung could only stare at his best friend, his feelings mixed. Although their domestic relationship was more than great, he knew that there were times when Mark or Jackson wanted something solid, something old-fashioned, something traditional. They just never had enough reasons to make it happened. It wasn't like they weren't happy. They were the happiest couple Jinyoung had ever known in his entire life. They were a couple goals. A lot of people looked up to them. Jinyoung thought it was just about time until one of them finally cracked. As expected, it was Jackson.

Jinyoung was ecstatic. He was happy for his friend. He wanted to be happy and supportive. But part of him felt really upset. It wasn't the perfect timing. Why was everything so unfair? Yugyeom and Bambam didn't have a problem. They fought and made up quickly. Jackson wanted to take a big step in his life, pushing aside his fears to solidify his relationship with Mark. Then what about Jinyoung? Why was he the only one with problems? It just wasn't fair.

 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Jinyoung couldn't help but sound bitter. “Things are great with you and Mark. If you get married you'll be all screwed up like the rest of us.” _Like me and Jaebum_.

Jackson was taken aback. Jinyoung quickly shut his mouth.

“You and Jaebum are screwed up? Since when?”

Jinyoung let go of Jackson's hand, taking a step back. He avoided his best friend's judging gaze.

“We're not screwed up. We're just—distant. That's all.”

“You’re not fooling me, Jinyoung.”

“I’m fine. We’re fine,” Jinyoung said desperately. “Please let it slide. I'm just not in a good mood today. I'm sorry.”

Jackson looked at him for a long moment before nodding his head.  

“Fine. I'm still going to ask Mark to marry me.”

Jinyoung smiled, sincere and genuine this time. “That's really great, Sseun-ah. I'm sure he will definitely say yes once you pop up the ring.”

“I hope so. I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. And he's passed the spectacular test.”

Jinyoung lifted one of his eyebrows.

“The spectacular test?”

Jackson nodded, smiling like a fool. He looked like a teenager; all happy and in love. Jinyoung tried so hard to ignore his aching heart.

“When I first met Mark, he was spectacular. And a decade later he is still the most spectacular man I've ever known. Besides you, of course. Don't you feel that way about Jaebum?”

 

Jinyoung bit his tongue. He wanted to feel that way about Jaebum. But he didn't describe Jaebum as spectacular—he just didn't. His husband was handsome, indeed, and Jinyoung liked to stare at him. It was easy to stare at Jaebum. He might be not breathtaking. Not the way Jackson or Mark when they were all dressed up and posing for famous magazines. Jaebum didn't take his breath away. The opposite. Actually, Jinyoung thought it was really good to be near someone who filled your lungs with air.

Jinyoung just liked to look at Jaebum. He liked his dark and silky hair; he wondered how it could be so smooth and soft whenever he ran his fingers through it. He liked his pale skin. Jaebum's skin was so pale and clean and fair. It made his lips seem really pink in comparison. He wasn't so tall but he had the best shoulders ever; wide and broad. Jaebum was anything but spectacular and Jinyoung preferred him that way. It made him more real to Jinyoung. That somehow he could always reach him—no matter how big the differences between them.

Jinyoung's train of thoughts was broken when Jaebum entered the kitchen with a frown on his face.

 

“What took you so long?”

Jinyoung blinked. “Oh, sorry. Jackson and I had a talk.”

Jinyoung moved aside to give Jaebum some space. Jackson watched their interaction, frowning. He just realized that Jaebum and Jinyoung weren't touchy at all. They used to.

“Jaebum hyung, how come you never call Jinyoungie with those endearing gross nicknames you have for him again?”

Jaebum almost dropped his mug. Jinyoung glared at Jackson.

“What are you talking about?”

Jackson folded his arms and shrugged casually.

“Well, you used to call him baby or Nyeongie. And princess! You used to call him princess too!”

Jinyoung chocked on his own spit meanwhile Jaebum's face flushed.

“It's none of your business, Wang.”

Jackson pouted. “You used to be so sappy and gross and romantic and all. Don't you think Jinyoungie miss it too? The nicknames and your big grand gestures?”

                                                                                       

Jinyoung was going to kill Jackson. Definitely. He was this close to throwing his own mug to Jackson’s face. To punish him for saying something that could trigger Jaebum. But then Jaebum turned to him, staring at him with those deep intense eyes and Jinyoung lost the ability to talk. To move. He froze, not able to do anything but staring back at his husband.

 

“Come on, hyung!” Jackson urged him, a big smile lit up his face. “Do it again!”

Jinyoung looked at his best friend, scolding him with his eyes.

“Sseun-ah, don't push Jaebum. It's fine. Not all of us are like you and Mark.”

Jackson pouted. “But—“

“I can do it if you want...” Jaebum said slowly, his eyes never leaving Jinyoung's. “... _baby_.”

 

Jinyoung's eyes widened. He looked at Jaebum in disbelief but couldn't help a blush that creeped up his cheeks. Jaebum was blushing too. He couldn't look at him in the eye after that but this time, Jinyoung didn't feel offended. He felt giddy inside; he hadn’t felt that way for so long. And it felt nice, so nice. Jackson laughed so hard watching their reaction. Jaebum quickly left the kitchen. But then he looked past his shoulder and gave Jinyoung a small smile. Jinyoung slowly smiled back.

At that moment, Jinyoung knew that they were back at square one and he wished it was a good thing; a start, maybe.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the constant support. It means a lot to me :)


	5. A Voyage

* * *

**_You have received an instant message from: MARK_ **

 

Mark            : JINYOUNG WHERE ARE U PLS I NEED U RIGHT NOW

Jinyoung       : Hon, calm down. I’m here  

Mark            : I CAN'T NOT RIGHT NOW NOT EVER

Jinyoung       : Honey, if it's about Jackson finally pop up a ring to you then I'm glad he finally did

Mark            : You _kn_ _e_ _w_?

Jinyoung       : /shit/ yes, I knew about it a couple of days ago when Jackson showed me the box. I didn't saw the ring tho. Is it pretty?

Mark            : /sobbing uncontrollably/ It is beautiful. The most beautiful ring I've ever seen. He said 'Only the best for my angel' and I lost it

Jinyoung       : Oh, honey. I am so happy for you

Mark            : I don't really know to express my feeling right now. For years we didn't have the need to solidify our relationship. And then he popped out the ring and I just knew that it was the right thing to do. It feels so right.

Jinyoung       : I'm glad. I'm very glad. Must be nice to feel that way. Congratulations honey! You know I love you and Jackson so much. I only want the best for you.

Mark            : Thank you. Does that mean you want to be my best man?

Jinyoung       : Absolutely.

Mark            : I'm so happy right now. Youngjae and Yugyeomie can't stop crying. Jackson is crying with them too.

Jinyoung       : You deserve to be happy. You deserve everything after what you've been through with Jackson.

Mark            : You deserve happiness too, Jinyoungie.

Jinyoung       : I wish I could

 

* * *

 

For the last few weeks, Jinyoung immersed himself in wedding plans. Preparing a wedding wasn't easy at all. The stress that came with it could take a toll on you. Being a good best friend that he was, Jinyoung helped Mark as best as he could. He was very busy with works because his movie would be released next month but he still managed to help his best friend with the preparation. Mark and Jackson agreed that a big wedding wasn't necessary at all. They wanted a private wedding with friends and families. This wedding held a special meaning for them and they wanted to share the moment with people who knew and loved them. Mark suggested they have a wedding in their backyard and no honeymoon. They were still busy with works and honeymoon could wait. Jackson loved him too much to say no.

Two days before the wedding day Jinyoung and his family decided to stay there. Mark needed Jinyoung to keep him composed and Jaebum was assigned to make sure Jackson didn't run away. He was the one who proposed first but he also the one who freaked out. He tried to escape the house once and Jaebum had to drag him inside, almost like handling his own kids when they started to throw tantrum. Jackson begged him to let him go and Jaebum ended up taking him out to have a drink.

Mark was pacing in his room, biting his nails. Jinyoung sat on the bed, watching his best friend.

 

“Mark, I swear to God,” Jinyoung hissed. “If you don't stop doing that I will tie your hands against the headboard. Or I will call Jaebum and ask him to bring Jackson here.”

“NO!” Mark cried out, pouting like a kid. “Don't call Jackson. I can't face him right now.”

Jinyoung rolled his eyes.

“It's not like you guys can't meet before the wedding day. He's going to be back in a few hours and you guys will sleep together.”

“I know. I'm just...”

“Nervous,” Jinyoung finished his sentence. His face softened. “I know. I was nervous too.”

Mark chuckled, taking a spot beside his best friend.

“You are the worst. You almost ran away bride Jaebum.”

Jinyoung shoved his shoulder playfully.

“Shut up.”

 

They fell flat on their backs, snuggling up to each other. For a moment they were laying on the bed without saying anything, staring at the ceiling.

 

“This is happening.” Mark whispered. “God, this is really happening.”

“I know. It feels like magic, right?”

Mark smiled. “Yes.”

Jinyoung wrapped his arms around him, patting his waist gently.

“Everything is going to be okay, honey,” he said. “You're gonna be okay.”

“I know.” He said, snuggling closer to his best friend. “Jinyoungie, can you do me a favor?”

“What is it?”

“For my bouquet, could you make it for me? I want branches of lilacs like what you had on your wedding day. I just... I want it.”

Jinyoung gulped.

“Okay. I think I can find some lilacs here.”

“No,” Mark pulled away slightly, looking at Jinyoung with kicked puppy eyes and it wasn't a good sign at all. “I want it from Jaebum's mother backyard. Only from there. Please?”

 

Jinyoung could only stare at his best friend, heart thumping loudly. Mark rarely asked him something. He gave a lot but didn't ask anything in return. That's just how he was. Who was Jinyoung to deny his request, especially for his special day? Swallowing loudly, Jinyoung nodded.

 

“Okay.”

A smile broke across Mark's beautiful face.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Jinyoung couldn't help but smile back at his best friend. “I'll drive there tomorrow.”

“Great. Take Jaebum with you.” 

"No. I can—“

“Jinyoung, take him with you.”

Jinyoung grumbled. “Fine, fine. You are such a pussy.”

Mark grinned. “You love me.”

“Whatever.”

 

* * *

 

Going to his mother-in-law's house with Jaebum wasn't something new. They did it from time to time. But that was before there was a tension between them. Despite their sweet little moment on the couch that seemed to happen a very long time ago, Jinyoung still wasn't sure about their dynamic. Were they okay now? He had been busy with works and Mark's wedding preparation that he didn't really have time to think about his own marriage. Now that they were on their way to Goyang, just the two of them, Jinyoung finally realized that the tension was still there. It wasn't as thick and heavy as before but Jinyoung was still confused. And he was tired. He hadn't gotten enough sleep last night and his back ached. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

Jinyoung turned his head to him to ask about anything that would come out of his mouth and ended up just looking at his husband. Jaebum was humming to a girl group's song—Jinyoung assumed it was the most popular song these days because he kept hearing it everywhere—and his fingers drumming on the wheel. He was grinning to himself and Jinyoung remembered just how much he loved music; it was the only thing that kept him alive. He wriggled his eyebrows, still humming. He wasn't aware of Jinyoung's stare at all and he just looked so silly at that moment. Jinyoung couldn't help a small chuckle that escaped his lips.

 

Jaebum finally turned to him.

“What?” he said, raising one eyebrow to him.

“Nothing,” Jinyoung said, chuckling. “You're just silly with all those expressions.”

Jaebum coughed, his cheeks reddened.

“I am not.”

“Yes, you are.”

Jaebum grumbled under his breath and Jinyoung smiled a little. The tension between them slowly disappeared.

“Jaebum, can you come with me to my movie premiere next month? I mean, if you're not busy at all.”

Jaebum looked at him with a strange expression.

“Of couse I will come, Jinyoung.” he said, turning back his attention to the road. “You didn’t even have to ask. You know I will always support you.”

Jaebum didn't have to know that at the moment all Jinyoung wanted to do was to kiss him breathless. His heart swelled and a smile broke across his face.

“Okay. Thank you.”

 

Jaebum just hummed and didn't say anything else. There was a silence after that. But this time, it was a comfortable silence.

 

* * *

 

“Ayeon.”

Jinyoung deadpanned as soon as he slammed the car's door. They just pulled into the driveway and Jinyoung didn't expect to see Ayeon, of all people, in his mother-in-law's porch, playing with the dogs— _their_ dogs. He turned to his husband, looking at him accusingly.

“I didn't know that Ayeon moved to Goyang.”

Jaebum shrugged nonchalantly, completely unaware of Jinyoung’s sour expression. His demeanor instantly changed.

“She just moved here a few months ago. She lives next door.”

Jinyoung’s jaw fell open. Jaebum was about to walk inside when Jinyoung's hand stopped him.

“She _lives_ next door?”

“Yes. I’m sorry I forgot to tell you that. It completely slipped off my mind.”

Oh, fuck.

“Jaebum,” he said through greeted teeth, his voice an octave lower. “Did she come to your mother's birthday party?”

Jaebum looked straight into his eyes and nodded.

“Yes. She invited her.”

 

Jinyoung’s lips twitched. Of course his mother-in-law would invite her because she practically lived next door and it would be rude not to. He had a strong urge to throw. His stomach dropped and he tried so hard to mask his expression.

Baek Ayeon, his former colleague in JYPE. Ayeon, Jaebum's ex-girlfriend. And now, the girl next door. God. And fuck. Why was Jinyoung so unlucky these days? Jaebum didn't know how much Jinyoung dislike Ayeon. A girl that Jaebum couldn't stop talking about back in the day when the two of them were still dating, girl that he'd dated, girl he'd used for sex (they didn't get that far because Jaebum said his first time was with Jinyoung but still). Why she had to be everywhere? Why his husband still kept in touch with his ex? Why they had to be friends after their break up?  

Ayeon had pretty brown eyes and smooth brown hair. She was one of the best female singers in JYPE. She was divorced. She was still as beautiful as ever. She would make a perfect match with Jaebum. Jinyoung's head hurt when he saw how Ayeon's eyes lighted up when he saw them—Jaebum. He gripped Jaebum's elbow a little bit too hurt but thankfully his husband didn't mind.

 

“Hi, Jaebum!” Ayeon greeted him, smiling brightly. Her eyes found Jinyoung's and her smile flattered a little bit. “Oh, hi Jinyoung.”

Jinyoung gave her a tight smile and nodded woodenly. “Hi. Ayeon.”

“You play with the dogs again?” Jaebum asked, letting go of Jinyoung’s hold to approach his mother and kissed her cheek. And then his attention was back to Ayeon.

 

Jinyoung stood there awkwardly, staring at them. They've always been close to each other. Jinyoung knew it was stupid to worry about Ayeon. Jaebum was a teenager when he was with Ayeon. But it was just in his nature to worry about things that could possibly threaten him. Plus Ayeon never got old. In any sense of the word. How could that even possible when Jinyoung's left eyelid already hung down his eyes and making him looked like a dog. It was always good to see her and she always looked good. The last time Jinyoung had seen Ayeon was three years ago, he couldn't remember where.

Jinyoung was so deep in his own thought that he didn't realize when his mother-in-law approached him. He jolted in surprise when a warm hand touched his shoulder. He blinked and found Jaebum's mother smiling warmly at him.

 

“Mom.”

He said, throwing himself at her. She was like his mother. At some point, he was even closer to Jaebum's mother than his own mother.

“I miss you,” he whispered, burying his face in her shoulder. “I'm sorry I couldn't come here on your birthday.”

His mother-in-law patted his butt gently.

“That's okay. I understand that Jinyoungie was busy. I miss you too, honey.”

Jinyoung squeezed her once more before releasing her.

“Is Dad home?”

“No. He is in town. He will be back tomorrow.”

Jinyoung looked around and realized that both Jaebum and Ayeon were gone.

“Where are they?”

His mother-in-law smiled at him and Jinyoung swore she definitely knew what's up between him and Jaebum. Her eyes told him everything. His mother-in-law was like an open book. But she didn't say anything. She only smiled at him with that motherly smile of hers.

“Come inside, Jinyoungie.” She said, ushering him inside. “You must be tired. Would you like some tea?”

 

* * *

 

Jaebum and Ayeon were in the backyard, collecting branches of lilacs together. Jinyoung was in the kitchen with his mother-in-law, helping her serve the tea. He was so close to run to the backyard and dragged his husband off into a corner, somewhere far away from Ayeon and hid him there. The kitchen door was open and Jinyoung could see Jaebum and Ayeon from where he's standing. He frowned when she moved too close to his husband, their shoulders almost touching. She almost tripped over firewood that was lying carelessly on the ground and Jaebum immediately caught her by her wrist, steadying him. He was a perfect gentleman. Much to Jinyoung's disappointment. Unconsciously his grip on the kettle tightened.

 

“Jinyoungie,” his mother-in-law took the kettle from Jinyoung and settled it on the counter. She looked at him worriedly. “Are you okay, honey?”

Jinyoung nodded despite his aching heart.

“Yes, mom. I’m fine. Don’t worry.”

She followed his eyes and smiled at him knowingly.

“If you want to go there, I won't hold you back here.”

Jinyoung shook his head. He didn't answer her at first. There was something he'd always been dying to ask but didn't have enough courage to do so. Right now seemed the perfect time.

“Mom,” he started slowly, looking at her carefully. He swallowed loudly. “If Jaebum was still with Ayeon, or whoever he’d date, not me, do you think he would be happier?”

 

Her mother-in-law was completely thrown by his question but Jinyoung couldn’t hold it anymore. He needed to get it out his system. Even after years he still couldn't feel at ease whenever Ayeon was around. He felt threatened by her presence. What she had with Jaebum was stronger than he wanted to admit. They're good friends. They had a special bond but Jinyoung didn't want to dig it deeper. It would only make him hurt more than he already was.

 

“Jinyoungie, what are you talking about?” she asked, bewildered.

Jinyoung sighed, suddenly feeling really tired.

“It's just... he always seems happy when he's with Ayeon. I figured he would be happier if he married her instead of me.”

Her mother-in-law shook his head disapprovingly. Jinyoung lowered his head. He knew he sounded ridiculous right now. What he said didn’t make sense at all. But he was desperate and insecure. He wasn’t stable; mentally and physically.

“I know that things are difficult with you and Jaebumie. He didn't tell me anything. But I am his mother. I know my son. When he came here alone on my birthday looking troubled, I knew something was up with you two.”

Jinyoung's heart was thumping loudly inside his chest it hurt. His eyes stung when she took her hand gently, giving it a squeeze as a support.

“In marriage, some days you and your partner loved each other. Some days you had to work at it. I know it's hard, honey. But you must know that Jaebum would be far from happy if he's not with you. Ayeon is nothing compared to you. Please always remember that.”

Jinyoung choked back a sob and wrapped his arms around her. She hugged him back and patted his back gently.

“Everything is going to be okay, honey.” She whispered. “I trust you and Jaebum.”

Jinyoung was about to answer her when suddenly Jaebum's voice interrupted him.

“What's going on here?”

She released Jinyoung from her embrace and stroked his cheek gently before leaving the kitchen. Suddenly Jaebum was right in front of him. They were the same height but when Jaebum slowly lifted his chin up, he felt shorter and so much smaller.

“Jinyoung, what's wrong?”

 

Jinyoung could answer it broadly: A lot. A lot was wrong between them, even on good days. Days when Jaebum's eyes were bright and full of hope. When the kids made him smile and he made them laugh. Easy days. Lazy days. Christmas mornings. Birthdays. Coming-home-late days when Jaebum would catch Jinyoung at the door and cornered him against the wall, kissing him, filling his lungs with air. Even on good days, Jinyoung knew that Jaebum was unhappy. And it was his fault, undoubtedly. It was his fault because he wanted him. Because he always knew that Jaebum was perfect for him, too perfect, and he wasn't perfect for Jaebum. Sometimes Jinyoung wanted him more than he wanted him to be happy. Very selfish indeed. But he loved him. He loved him so much it hurt.

What if Jaebum had a chance with Ayeon many years ago? What if he never appeared in Jaebum's life? Would he marry Ayeon? Marry somebody even better than Ayeon? Would he be happy? Would he come home from work every day, smiling? Jinyoung had gotten that far in his imagining and whenever he did that all he could feel was pain, acute pain. Jinyoung wanted to escape to the bathroom and cried for a few minutes before putting his mask back on. But Jaebum was still there, waiting for him—his answer. He opened his mouth but nothing came out. He closed it again.

 

“I'm okay,” he whispered, his voice broke. He definitely wasn't okay.

"Liar."

Jaebum said, his voice low. Jinyoung glared at him, suddenly feeling more irate and on edge. Jaebum didn't have rights to call him a liar when all he did was practically the same. He lied and pretended to be happy when in reality, he wasn't. Jinyoung took a step back but Jaebum was quick to catch him. He pushed him up against the metal counter, trapping his body with his. Jinyoung's mouth fell open, staring at his husband with wide eyes. 

“J-Jaebum, what are you...”

 

Jinyoung didn't finish his sentence when Jaebum lowered his head, nuzzling the side of his face. Almost instantly and automatically Jinyoung brought his hands to his nape, squeezing it gently. Jaebum started trailing kisses down his jaw, his neck, and then he stopped there, breathing in and out. Jinyoung was confused with his mood. He forgot just how moody Jaebum was. A moment before he was distant, and a moment later he was clingy and touchy. It was really confusing. When his kisses seemed to become too much for him, he pushed him back a little, staring at him curiously.

 

“Jaebum, what was that for?” he asked, breathless.

Jaebum didn't answer him. He settled his arms around his waist, lifting him up and placed him atop the counter and stood in between his legs. Jinyoung gasped, completely thrown by Jaebum's action.

“Jaebum—“

"You're upset." He simply said, smiling at him. He smiled like nothing happened and anger sparked inside Jinyoung. "And I just wanted to do it."

 

Jinyoung wanted to scream. He wanted to throw something at him. He wanted him to know that it has been hard for him. It was hard to handle his own feeling and Jaebum confused him. It was hard because he felt alone and lonely. He needed him but he didn't know if they were still on the same page. He knew that Jaebum was aware that something was wrong between but he never made everything clear. He kept doing whatever he wanted at the moment without considering Jinyoung's feeling. Did he still love him? _Do you still love me, Jaebum?_

Everything was too much for Jinyoung. He was exhausted. And upset. Too much stress. Not enough sleep. Jaebum and his mood swing made it worse. They were both quiet for a dozen awkward heartbeats; then Jaebum brought his hand to his jaw, cupping it gently. Jinyoung watched him and cataloged every flinch, every flick of his eyes, and tried to figure out what they meant. It was really hard to read him because his thoughts didn't play across his face, not anymore. Or maybe it was just Jinyoung who had lost his ability to read the one person that matter the most to him.

 

“Jaebum,” Jinyoung let out a sigh. He couldn't handle the silence. “You're making me confused.”

Jaebum lowered his gaze, frowning at himself.

“I didn't mean to.”

“Well, you've been doing it lately. Unconsciously or not, I don't know.”

Jaebum stepped closer, staring at him again. He looked troubled and Jinyoung felt the urge to pull him closer but stopped himself almost right away. It would have been so easy but Jinyoung didn't want to be the first one to give in. Not this time.

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum started a sentence, and then stopped. Then started again. “You know I'm not usually good at knowing what I want. Sometimes it's just so hard to want something. You know that, right?”

 

His sudden honesty thrown him completely. He stared at his husband, mouth slightly opened. It was true. Jaebum wasn't good at knowing what he wanted or at wanting things. Jinyoung, on the other hand, was extra good at wanting things. He wanted things until he felt sick about them. He was good at getting what he wanted. It was easy for him. He always had his way. But Jaebum, his Jaebum, had a hard time to express his emotions sometimes. As they getting older, Jinyoung realized that his husband almost never showed his emotions anymore. Jinyoung swallowed and reached out to touch his face with his free hand—he couldn't hold back anymore and he didn't care if he was the one who gave in first (again).

 

“Jaebum, you can always tell me.”

Jaebum took Jinyoung's hand and held it to his heart. His face was neutral, but his eyes were dancing. He whispered, “I know.”

Jinyoung looked at him desperately.

“Then why don't you tell me, Jaebum? Why you make everything so hard?”

“Because,” Jaebum said. That's what he always said when he didn't have anything to say. “I don't know, Jinyoung. It's really hard. I'm sorry.”

“Stop saying sorry!” Jinyoung almost yelled, punching his chest with her clasped hands. “You don't even know what you're sorry for.”

Jaebum's lips twitched.

“I'm sorry for making you jealous. I didn't mean to.”

Jinyoung spluttered. “W-what are you talking about?”

Jaebum gave him a lopsided smile that Jinyoung hadn't seen for a while now. His shoulders and chest twitched. That bastard was really good at changing topics. But for now, Jinyoung would let it slide—again.

“You're jealous of Ayeonie—“

"Don't call her like that in front of me, you ass—“

Jaebum leaned forward and gave him a quick peck. That was a very effective way to shut Jinyoung up.

“I'm sorry, baby,” Another peck. Jinyoung flushed. “I didn't know that you felt that way toward Ayeon. Why you didn't tell me?”

 

Jinyoung didn't answer him right away. Just then he caught a shadow across the kitchen and found Ayeon standing several feet away from them, her hands holding branches of lilacs against her chest. Jaebum was nuzzling the side of his face and Jinyoung was certain that his husband heard a rustling sound from the branches but he didn't turn around. He kept himself close to him. Jinyoung should have felt embarrassed because someone caught him and Jaebum in inappropriate position but he didn't. He strangely felt happy. Ayeon stood there, staring at them with a shocked expression and flushed cheeks. She locked eyes with Jinyoung for a split second before quickly left the kitchen. Jinyoung knew that Ayeon still had feelings for Jaebum. He knew she still had hopes for his husband, especially after her divorce. Jinyoung knew this so well because when they visited Ayeon shortly after her divorce, he caught the way she'd been looking at Jaebum. He hated the way she looked at him. At least now she knew that she’d lost. She didn’t stand a chance.

 

“You cannot be jealous of Ayeon. That's ridiculous.”

Jinyoung blinked, turning his attention back to his husband. He glared at him.

“I can be jealous of anyone I want, Jaebum.”

“But that’s like the sun being jealous of a lightbulb.”

Jinyoung spluttered. His cheeks reddened. Jaebum grinned at him.

“S-shut up, Jaebum!”

Jaebum leaned forward to drop a kiss to the tip of his nose, smiling softly when he pulled away.

“I'm not in love with Ayeon. I never really was. Even if I didn't meet you, I'm never getting back with Ayeon. We're just not meant to be together. I like her as a friend. That will never change. You don't have to be jealous of anyone. But especially not of Ayeon, okay?”

Jinyoung squeezed the hand he was holding to his chest and used it as an anchor to pull himself closer.

“Okay.”

“Really?” Jaebum asked.

“Really,” Jinyoung promised.

Jaebum smiled. “You know I'm not good at wanting things. But you are. Can you tell me what you want right now, Jinyoung?”

 

That’s an easy question to answer. Jinyoung wanted a lot of things. A daughter. A vacation twice a year. Road trips. A house by the sea. A chance to work with his favorite actors. Lived in Italy or Japan—his husband loved Japan. Naked swimming in the lake. A happy marriage and happy kids. And he wanted to be happy seventy to eighty percent of the time. He wanted to be actively and thoughtfully happy with Jaebum, his life, his kids, no matter how bad the things were. Above all, as cheesy as it sounded, "you" was already in the tip of his tongue and it was top-of-mind right at the moment.

 

“I know what I want right now,” Jinyoung reached his mouth to Jaebum's, looking down at him. His husband was breathing hard through his nose. Jinyoung tried to make his face as plain as possible but inside he wanted to yell at the top of lungs; you. I want you. “But can I know what you want first, Jaebum? Can I?”

Jaebum nodded, breathless.

“Jinyoungie,” he said.

Then he kissed him.

 

That was it. Jaebum kissed him like he was drowning and needed Jinyoung to fill his lungs with air. He kissed his nose, his cheeks, the corner of his mouth, and his stubble. That was when Jinyoung knew that nothing really changed; he was still the only one he wanted and needed in his life. Jinyoung still wanted Jaebum to be the only person who was going to drive on those overnight road trips. He was the one who was going to sit next to him in every award shows. He was the one he wanted to see when he woke up. Jinyoung realized that Jaebum was still the one he needed to be happy. 

 

* * *

 


	6. Love & Misadventure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Warning!] This chapter is emotional roller-coaster. And a lot of swearing ahead.

* * *

It was midnight by the time Jaebum and Jinyoung arrived at Jackson and Mark's house. All they wanted was a warm shower and then got some sleep because tomorrow was the big day. They need to save a lot of energy. As they stepped onto the porch, they didn’t expect to find Youngjae sitting on the top step, leaning his head against the banister with Coco against his chest. They heard a loud sniffle and their body instantly froze, quickening their steps.  

 

“Sunshine, what are you doing here?”

Jinyoung crouched down in front of him, holding his wet face. He looked at the boy worriedly. It was never good when Youngjae was crying his heart out like this.

“What's wrong, Youngjae-ya? Are you hurt somewhere?” Jaebum asked, taking a place beside the crying boy.

“Ma-Mama's gone.” He told them, sobbing. “Mama's gone.”

Jinyoung gasped. _“_ _What?_ _”_

Jaebum quickly pulled Youngjae against his chest, hugging the fragile boy tightly. Youngjae might be the oldest but he was very sensitive inside. His heart was so pure. That's why they were very protective over him.

“Sunshine, could you please explain to us the situation?”

Youngjae's eyes were red and swollen. He wiped his nose with his sleeve, trying to control his own breath.

“They had a fight. We didn’t know why. Yugyeomie and I were in the backyard when we heard Baba yelling. We ran inside and found them yelling at each other in the kitchen. They never yelled at each other before. Mama was crying but Baba didn't hug him. He glared at Mama. Baba looked so scary. A-and then he said that maybe they should call off the wedding. Mama was so upset. And then he's gone. We don't know where he is right now.”

“ _Jackson fucking Wang_.” Jinyoung muttered under his breath. He looked up at his husband who looked like he was ready to murder someone. They exchanged glances, communicating with their eyes, and then nodded at each other.

“Sunshine, go inside with Appa. You need to get some sleep. Tomorrow's a big day.”

Youngjae looked at Jinyoung with his red teary eyes.

“B-but… Baba said...”

“Your Baba didn't know what he was saying,” Jaebum stroked his hair gently. “We will take care of this.”

“Yes, your Appa's right. Don't worry, baby. Now get inside.”

 

Jinyoung and Jaebum kissed the boy's forehead before walking him to the door. After making sure that Youngjae was inside, they let out a huge sigh.

 

“I'm going to fucking kill Jackson.” Jinyoung cursed loudly, his face turned red and his nostrils flared.

“We need to kill them both.”

“How dare he say something stupid in front of his kids? Tomorrow's their wedding day, for fuck’s sake.”

Jaebum massaged his temple, feeling a headache coming.

“I will go looking for Mark.”

“No,” Jinyoung shook his head. “I'll go. I think I know where he is. You stay here with the kids. They must have felt terrified right now.”

Jaebum checked his watch and looked at him worriedly.

“But, it's midnight.”

“It's okay. The kids need you. I know you can handle them better than me.”

“Promise me you will call me as soon as you find Mark?”

Jinyoung smiled at him reassuringly.

“Yes, I promise.”

“Okay,” Jaebum said. Then after hesitate for a split second, he leaned forward to kiss Jinyoung's forehead gently. “Careful, baby.”

Jinyoung's face instantly flushed. He nodded shyly.

“Okay.” He said. “And please kick Jackson's stupid ass for me. That fucktard needs a lesson.”

Jaebum grinned. “Definitely.”

 

* * *

 

Jinyoung found Mark in his house, sitting on the couch with a pile of used Kleenex. He wanted to tell him to fuck off but he knew he couldn't. Not when Mark made a grabby hand at him as soon as he saw him. Jinyoung joined him on the couch, letting his best cried on his shoulder; sobbing, sniffling, wailing. The full-blown ugly cry, hiccuping and gulping and trying to stop and not being able to. Whatever that made him felt better. Jinyoung sat there with Mark until his best friend arrived at that exhausted, washed-out, clear place on the other side of shame.

 

“Better?” asked Jinyoung.

Mark nodded. “I'm sorry. I'm ridiculous. And so embrassed.”

“No,” Jinyoung shook his head, reaching out to wipe some tears on his cheeks. “Just a little lost, like all of us.”

Mark looked at him with red teary eyes. He was a mess but even so his best friend still managed to appear flawless. No wonder Jackson was so head over heels with him even after fifteen years.

“When you got married to Jaebum,” Mark suddenly said, his voice slightly trembled. “I always thought he was your soulmate.”

Jinyoung stared at his best friend, his heart pounding. “Why?”

“I don't know. You have this weird strange connection with him. Like when you move, he moves. You guys are always in sync.”

“You and Jackson are like that too. Even better than us.”

Mark shook his head, dejected. “We're not. We're far from that. You guys are perfect.”

“No. We're not always like that.” Jinyoung said and couldn't help the bitterness in his tone. "You and Jackson are the ones who still being gross to each other even after forty.”

“Jaebum is really romantic. He makes breakfast. Sometimes when I talk to you, Jaebum is bringing you breakfast in bed. And he calls you princess. Does he still call you princess?”

 

Jinyoung didn't want to tell Mark that it wasn't that simple. That Jaebum made him breakfast even when he was pissed. Sometimes he did it because he was was pissed as a way to act like he was present in their relationship. And Jinyoung hated it so much. But his best friend didn't need to know that.

 

“No. And it doesn't matter. Please, stop talking nonsense." He said, desperately trying to change the topic. "Mark. I know this whole wedding thing makes you nervous and paranoid—“

“I lost my wedding ring.”

Jinyoung looked at him incredulously. “ _What?_ ”

 

Mark burst into tears again. He explained everything to Jinyoung. Mark didn't mean to lose the ring. It was at the counter, Mark remembered leaving it there. He took it off before cooking dinner. He knew he should have placed it somewhere safe but he was in a rush. He still needed to take care of something else. And then suddenly, after he'd finished cooking, the ring wasn't there. It disappeared. He'd searched everywhere but he still couldn’t find it. The ring's gone. And then Jackson found out and got really mad. Mark supposed he would do the same if Jackson did the same. But his partner said some horrible things that left Mark shook up terribly and then he ran.

 

“He said he wanted to—to call off the wedding,” Mark stopped, choking with sobs, and overcome by emotions, threw himself at his best friend, sobbing again. “And I ran away. I just couldn't take it anymore.”

Jinyoung cursed loudly.

“Your lover is such a dick—“

“Don't insult him!”

Jinyoung looked at him incredulously. “Gross. I can't believe you're still defending him.”

Mark lowered his gaze, playing with his sleeves.

“It doesn't matter. We're over. He called off the wedding.”

“No, he wouldn't dare.”

“Jinyoung, you weren't there when he—“

 

Mark couldn't finish his sentence when suddenly the door flung open and Jackson appeared with Jaebum trailing behind him. Mark gasped and tried to run away but Jinyoung gripped his shoulder tightly, shaking his head firmly. And then, Jackson was there in front of Mark, down on one knee, holding out Mark's ring that he'd thought was lost.

 

"I love you," Jackson said, breathless. His eyes prickled with tears as he stared at Mark. "I’m sorry I was such a dick. I said awful things to you but I didn’t mean it. At all. I’ve learned my lesson. Angel, you know that I love you more than my organic food. I love you more than everything else."

And Mark had laughed because only Jackson would think that was a romantic thing to say. Tears streaming down his eyes.

"Please accept my re-do proposal and marry me tomorrow."

 

Then Mark said yes and threw himself into his partner's embrace. They cried together and started kissing while laying on the carpeted floor. Jinyoung got up from where he was sitting and found his husband stood several feet from him. Jaebum opened his arms with a smile and Jinyoung threw himself at him, wrapping his arms around his neck. He let out a deep sigh.

 

“They're gonna be okay.” Jaebum whispered, dropping a kiss to his temple. “Don't worry.”

Jinyoung closed his eyes. “I know.”

And Jinyoung hoped both he and Jaebum we're gonna be okay too.  

 

* * *

 

It was in the evening in the backyard of Mark and Jackson's house. It was humid and the air smelled fresh. It smelled like a new beginning. Jinyoung watched Mark walked down the aisle. He looked breathtaking like this was the first time Jinyoung saw him. A beautiful creature with flawless skin and a glowing face. He looked like an angel. The beautiful blinding smile that broke across his face made him looked the most beautiful groom Jinyoung have ever seen. He clutched branches of lilacs against his chest, walking slowly toward the love of his life. Everyone watched as Jackson offered his hand and Mark took it with a shy smile. The minister said his part and when it was the time to say the binding words, Jinyoung could see their eyes prickled with tears.  

 

"I do," Mark said it first, his voice trembled as he held his Jackson’s hand tightly. When it was Jackson turn to speak, his words rang clear.

"I do," he vowed.

The minister declared them as husband and well, husband. Jackson reached up to cradle Mark's face, carefully and tenderly, as if it were as delicate as the white petals swaying above their heads. And then he kissed him tenderly, adoringly, and the crowd erupted into applause. Finally, they found home.

Jinyoung watched with his teary eyes as Yugyeom and Youngjae burst into tears. Bambam who's sitting next to Yugyeom pressed his head against his chest, silently comforting him. Jinyoung loved how they always had each other's back no matter what. It was so sweet it made his heart stopped. Hyunjin clung to Youngjae, holding his hand as the oldest Wang sobbed uncontrollably. They never imagined that this day would come. The day where Jackson and Mark would get married. It was almost impossible to even imagine it with how casual they were with their relationship status. But now here they were; married and solid.

Jinyoung could sense Jaebum's presence even before his husband pressed his shoulder against his back. And then, he reached out for Jinyoung's hand and held it tightly as they watched Jackson and Mark walked down the aisle together. Suddenly, Jinyoung was barely conscious of his surroundings. All he could feel was Jaebum and then he was in his happy place.

He could remember his wedding day as if it just happened yesterday. The suit he wore and branches of lilacs. And Jaebum was so handsome. He had Prince Charming hair and he smiled so bright it filled Jinyoung's lungs with air. The pastor who'd baptized Jaebum was there to marry them. Jinyoung's father was so overcome with emotion. When it was time to give him away, he walked him to Jaebum and kissed him on the forehead. "Off you go, honey," he said that and Jinyoung almost cried but managed to hold it. But as soon as Jinyoung said yes, and as soon as the ring was on his finger, he finally cried. Jaebum was grinning from ear to ear and his eyes turned into a crescent. And then he held the back of Jinyoung's neck and kissed his face all over.

After the ceremony, Jaebum's father moved his stereo out and played The Way You Look Tonight by Frank Sinatra. It was the only song Jinyoung insisted to play on their wedding day. He'd argued with Jaebum million times before they finally came to the final decision. As always, Jaebum always let him win. The reason why Jinyoung insisted the song was because The Way You Look Tonight was playing in a restaurant on one of their first dates and at some point it kept coming on the radio at significant moments in their relationship. Jinyoung immediately declared that it was “our song”. After that they always danced to the song on their anniversary. They both had a lot of arguments regarding the choice of the song. Jaebum had suggested "My Girl" by The Temptations because he couldn't stop listening to that damn song after watching Mannequin. Jinyoung liked the song too but it just didn't feel right for him. Jaebum had suggested every song from his favorite movies. They almost went with Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us because they both loved it but it wasn’t a perfect song for their first dance song. Jaebum almost won against Jinyoung but after a long, passionate and intense making love Jaebum finally gave up.

When it started to play on their wedding day, Jinyoung got all choked up. It was the moment when he realized that he was actually getting married. He'd landed to a guy who would dance with him, forehead to forehead, to The Way You Look Tonight. A few hours later when everyone else had gone or gone inside the house, Jinyoung and Jaebum stayed outside, slow-dancing to whatever came on the oldies station. They had been dancing together since the first time they met. But it felt different. Jaebum held Jinyoung with both hands on the small of his back and Jinyoung leaned against him with both hands on his chest, and they swayed from side to side. It wasn't really dancing. It was just a way to make the wedding last. A way to stay in the moment. They're married now, Jinyoung kept repeating it in his head. They're married now. That day, that night, out on the backyard.

 

They rubbed their noses together.

“Hi there, my husband,” Jaebum said, and then he laughed, and Jinyoung couldn't stop staring at him.

“Yours.” He said. 

Jaebum squeezed his waist gently. “Mine.”

“Forever?”

“Forever.” he'd promised him.

The memory was vivid in his head. He remembered that he was happy. Jaebum was happy. It was once in a lifetime.

 

“What are you thinking?”

Jinyoung blinked his eyes and found his husband was staring at him.

“Nothing.”

Jaebum kept staring at him.

“Do you remember our wedding day?”

What a coincidence. Jinyoung's breath caught in his chest. “Of course. I could never forget it.”

“I remember you look like a Saint when your father walked you down the aisle. You're glowing. So beautiful and ethereal and unreal that I couldn't believe that you're mine.”

“Jaebum...” Jinyoung whispered. Jaebum stepped closer, reaching out to hold his face in his hand.

“I miss it sometimes.” he whispered, leaning down to nuzzle the side of his face. “Jinyoungie,”

_I missed you_. “Jaebumie.”

 

That's all. They didn't say anything else, so caught up in the moment. Jinyoung let him nuzzled his face, their breath mingled. In return, Jaebum let him clung to his shirt, holding him close until it was the time for the toast.

 

* * *

 

Jinyoung promised himself that he wouldn't cry because it would ruin his make-up. For once Bambam was willing to do his make-up and he didn't want to ruin it. He wanted to treasure it because who knew when his oldest would want to it again? He'd probably won't. But then it was time for him to give a toast and suddenly, when he looked at Mark, safe and sound in Jackson's strong arms, he got all choked up. He stuttered and sniffled, trying his best to deliver his speech between tears.

He locked eyes with Bambam, wondering if he got mad, but his oldest looked at him with a smile on his face, mouthing encouraging words and that made Jinyoung cried even more. Jinyoung wasn't exactly sure what he's talking about. He tried to clear his head and said something about love, obviously. Something about marriage. Something sweet. His eyes met Jaebum's from across the room and his husband had this look on his face that he couldn't decipher.

 

“Jackson and Mark, you are a perfect example of what waiting brings you. Your partnership inspires me. It makes me want to be better. You have one of the strongest, most loving and tender relationship I've ever seen.”

He raised his glass, smiling at Jackson and Mark. 

“To Jackson and Mark.”

“To Jackson and Mark,” the room echoed back.

 

The wedding flowed into the reception party smoothly—proof of Jinyoung's flawless planning. The ceremony had lasted exactly the right amount of time, allowing the sun to set behind the trees. The lights in the trees glimmered, making the white flowers glow. The dance floor was set up on the grass under two of ancient cedars. Things slowed down. The little crowd spread out under the soft shine of the twinkle lights. And when We’ve Only Just Begun by Karen Carpenter was played—it was their song— Jinyoung watched as Jackson pulled Mark into his arms for the customary first dance. He could tell from Mark's expression that he was just so happy to have Jackson holding him. After their big fight last night, Jinyoung felt so relieved that everything went well. They newlywed twirled effortlessly under the glow of a canopy of lights and the bright flashes from the cameras. Jinyoung was so happy watching them danced as the audience. That was until hands settled on his waist and a chest pressed against his back.

 

“Enjoying the party?” a familiar voice whispered in his ear.

Jinyoung gasped. He turned around and didn't expect to see Kim Wonpil, of all people, grinned widely at him. His throat closed instantly.

“Wonpil,” he choked on sobs. “You're back.” 

Wonpil pulled him wordlessly and Jinyoung hugged him while he buried his face in his shoulder. Wonpil leaned down to press his cheek to the top of his head.

“I missed you, Jinyoungie.” he whispered.

“I missed you, too.” Jinyoung cried again. He couldn't get the words out clearly. “Why you didn't tell me that you're back?”

“Surprise?” Wonpil laughed when Jinyoung bit his shoulder. He could feel his lips brush his hair.

 

Wonpil pulled back a little bit and straightened up. He left one hand on the small of Jinyoung's back and grabbed his right hand with the other. He cradled their hands to his chest; Jinyoung could feel his heartbeat under his palm.

 

“I just arrived this evening. I told Mark not to tell you that I would come. I wanted to surprise you.” he said, and he began pulling Jinyoung around in a slow circle that didn't match the tempo of the music coming from behind them.

Jinyoung laughed.

“You still can't dance.”

Wonpil laughed with him.

“Well, at least I haven't tripped over your feet. Yet”

 

Jinyoung stared at him and smiled. Wonpil, his best friend since kindergarten. They grew up together and joined JYPE at the same time. They were attached at the hips. People often mistook them as a couple—it was long before Jaebum came into the picture. Jinyoung believed they could reach their dream together but Wonpil didn't get the same chance as him. Jinyoung started his career first and everything turned out really well for him. It wasn't the same case for Wonpil. He didn't make it in Korea and that's why he decided to debut in Japan.

His career was slowly growing there and Jinyoung was happy for his friend. However for some unknown reasons Wonpil never came back home. The last time Jinyoung managed to make him came home was on his wedding day. It was really surprising for Jinyoung to see his friend again after years. Wonpil hadn't met his kids properly. They knew that his mother had a best friend named Wonpil from his hometown but they never really knew how he looked. Now that Jinyoung thought about it, that's kind of strange. Every time Wonpil called, it was just so happened when the kids or Jaebum weren't there. Jinyoung made a mental note to introduce Wonpil to his kids after the ceremony ended.

Jinyoung was glad that Wonpil hadn't really changed. His face was still sharp and a smile that broke across his face was familiar that it made Jinyoung cried harder.

 

“Don't cry, Jinyoungie.” he said, wiping the tears on his cheeks. “I'm here now.”

Jinyoung slapped his chest.

“You're so mean. You never came home.”

Wonpil smiled at him and for a split second Jinyoung caught a glimpse of sadness in his eyes but it quickly disappeared.

“I'm sorry.”

Jinyoung shook his head. “I understand if you don't want to tell me. How do you do? It's been awhile.”

“It's not like I don't want to tell you, Jinyoungie.” Wonpil stopped, frustrated. He started again. “I'm just—“  

 

Wonpil couldn't finish his sentence when suddenly there were hands on Jinyoung's waist, pulling him roughly from Wonpil's arms. Jaebum was there, his jaw was set and his face hardened as he tightened his grip on Jinyoung’s waist. Jinyoung gaped at him, bewildered.

 

“Jaebum, what—“  

“I need you.” he answered briskly, the tone of his voice changed completely. It wasn’t friendly at all. He glared at Wonpil, looking extremely pissed off. Jinyoung looked back at Wonpil who's still standing there, his eyes fixed on Jaebum's. His body was stiff and rigid. Jinyoung was confused right now.

“But Wonpil—“

“Shut up and follow me, Im Jinyoung.”

 

Jinyoung shut his mouth. His husband only called him with his surname when he was furious. Jinyoung didn't understand why but anger instantly sparked inside him because his husband being absolutely ridiculous and rude right now. And he just embarrassed Jinyoung in front of his best friend. His sudden outburst irked him. But he didn't even get a chance to say something to Wonpil because Jaebum quickly dragged him outside. He caught Bambam's eyes when they passed the dance floor and for the first time in years he could see worry in his eyes.

When they were finally outside, away from the other people, Jinyoung tried desperately to get free, pulling his hand from Jaebum's grip but his husband was having none of it. It was really hurt, Jaebum hurt him, and Jinyoung still clueless about this whole situation.  

 

“Get in.” Jaebum raised his chin to his car but Jinyoung stayed rooted in his place.

“No.” Jinyoung hissed. “What the hell is wrong with you, Jaebum? You're being really rude to Wonpil just now!”

At the mention of his best friend's name, Jaebum's eyes darkened dangerously. He looked straight to Jinyoung's eyes and a shiver ran to Jinyoung's body, making him slightly tremble.

“Get the fuck in the car, Jinyoung.”

 

Jinyoung's eyes burning and his body shaking with anger as he slid into the car. Jaebum slid beside him and quickly started the engine, driving off to the main road.

 

“What the hell is wrong with you, Jaebum?” Jinyoung hissed, trying so hard to keep himself composed. No, he's not going to lose it today. It was supposed to be a happy day for everyone, for him; that's it until his husband’s sudden outburst ruined everything. Jinyoung felt his breath heave out of him. His blood was roaring in his ears.

“Shut up, Jinyoung.” Jaebum spat through clenched teeth. “I'm driving.”

" _Shut up?_ " Jinyoung couldn't help but yell. Fury boiled up inside him and spewed out. “Shut up? You drag me here like I was a rag doll and I still have no fucking idea what makes you acting up this way and you told me to shut the fuck up? Are you fucking serious, Im Jaebum?”

Jaebum's jaw clenched. His gaze hardened. Now that Jinyoung had started, he couldn't hold back.

“I don't understand you, Jaebum. We were fine. We actually talked after months struggling to build a normal conversation. We've stopped avoiding each other's eyes. _You_ have stopped avoiding my eyes. You finally can look at me in the eye again after months. Don’t you fucking dare to think that I didn’t notice it. I'm trying so hard to read you but I should have known that it useless. It was a futile attempt. I'm trying to fix whatever was wrong with this relationship but clearly we didn’t on the same page anymore. I didn't see you do the same as me. After our visit to your mother's house, after today, I thought we were fine.”

“We are—“

“Shut up, Jaebum,” Jinyoung glared at him, fuming. His nostrils flared on a sharply indrawn breath. “Don't fucking cutting me off. I'm not done yet. And then you ruined everything. I don’t understand why you have to be so fucking rude in front of Wonpil. You didn't even say hi to him. I haven't met him in years, Jaebum. And you decided it was the right moment to let out your emotions—“

“So all of this was just because of Wonpil?”

That successfully stopped Jinyoung's rambling. He looked at his husband, flabbergasted.

“What?”

“Wonpil.” Jabum said with the same cold tone that had left Jinyoung speechless. It was the first time he heard his husband called his best friend's name with so much disdain.

“Why are you dragging him in this conversation? He has nothing to do—“

“But he is.” Jaebum cut him off again and Jinyoung seriously wanted to punch him in the face for being such an asshole tonight. “Ever wondered why your best friend never came back here?”

“What the hell are you talking about, Jaebum?”  

Jaebum chuckled, his voice devoid of emotions.  “He loved you.”  

That's it. Jaebum just dropped the bomb. Jinyoung stared at him in confusion, jaw dropping. He blinked and then he opened his mouth, but nothing came out, and closed it again.

“What the hell do you think he never had enough guts to come here, Jinyoung? Your best friend loved you. He probably still. That's why he never came back here and decided to live in Japan. Why? Because he couldn't handle his own feeling. He couldn't see the love of his life being with someone else. If you weren't so fucking clueless, you'd probably see the pain and sorrow in his eyes on our wedding day.”

 

Jinyoung was beyond speechless. He could only stare at Jaebum who still refused to look at him. His eyes were set on the road. It was really too much to take in. Everything happened too fast. Jinyoung couldn't do this. He couldn't comprehend the whole situation. He couldn't find his voice. And it was silence after that, a very uncomfortable silence. Wonpil loved him. He loved Jinyoung. Why wasn't Jinyoung surprised at all? Maybe Jaebum was wrong. Maybe Jinyoung wasn't clueless at all. It was always sitting at the back of his mind but he never entertained those thoughts. Maybe all this time he knew the reason why Wonpil decided to run away from him. He just didn't brave enough to admit it out loud because he's scared. He's scared it would change their friendship.

 

“You _knew_.” Jaebum said, breaking the thick silence enveloping them. “You fucking knew, Im Jinyoung.”

Jinyoung spluttered. “I'm not—“

“Yes, you are. Don't fucking lie to me.”

Jinyoung gritted his teeth. “Then how did you know that my best friend loved me, Jaebum? How?”

Jaebum's shoulders became tensed.

“He told me,” he said, his grip on the wheel tightened. “Before our wedding day. He came to me and told me that he would try let you go.”

Jinyoung's mouth snapped shut. His eyes widened and his breath quickened. It felt like someone just splashed cold water on his face. He couldn't believe what he's just heard. Jinyoung was thrown.  

“Wonpil...”

“Weren't you planning your life around him, Jinyoung?” Jaebum suddenly said, finally taking a glance at his husband. Something in Jaebum's eyes made Jinyoung's stomach twisted painfully. “You liked him too. I know you used to like him. Your first love, wasn't it him? You never told me. But I knew, Jinyoung. I always have.”

 

Jinyoung suddenly felt like someone just stabbed his heart with a dull knife, opening the old wounds. It wasn't fair at all. Why Jaebum had to bring up this topic? Yes, Jinyoung would admit it out loud. Yes, Wonpil was his first love. He used to like him. But it was long before he met Jaebum. Even long before he came to Seoul. What he felt toward Wonpil was part of his past. It wasn't important anymore. When Jaebum came into his life like a bolt of lightning, he couldn't think of anyone else but him. How long had it been again? They've been married for eighteen years. But long before that, they first met when they were fifteen. God, it's been thirty years. Jinyoung had spent almost his entire life with the same person.

Thirty years since Jinyoung first met Jaebum. Thirty years with the same man and the same dream. He'd know himself as his partner better than he'd even known himself as anyone else. It felt like too much sometimes. The commitments were too heavy to carry sometimes. Eighteen years since he married him, standing beside a row of lilac trees in Jaebum's parents' backyard. Eighteen years since their wedding. Eighteen years since they'd started to build their own family. Eighteen years since Jinyoung saw something in him that he couldn't look away from. Eighteen years since he decided to spend the rest of his life with him. Only him.

As Jinyoung stared at Jaebum, he couldn't help but wonder. Who was the man before him? Why couldn't he recognize him? What happened to them? It broke his heart watching their relationship slowly falling apart. Was it his fault? Was everything would be over now? What should Jinyoung do?

 

“Maybe you should marry him instead of me.” Jaebum suddenly said, his voice wavered with emotions.

Jinyoung sucked in a sharp breath. His words hit him like a physical blow, sending a sharp pain through his chest and suddenly he couldn't breathe. That hurt so much, more than he could imagine. After all they've talked about over the past few weeks. After Jaebum had said that he understood how Jinyoung felt. Jinyoung’s vision blurred and a low sound left him, a pained whimper and sob that had him squeezing his eyes shut. Jaebum's mask instantly slipped, revealing a flare of panic and regret. He slowed down the car and tried to reach out for his hand but Jinyoung quickly slapped it away.

“Jinyoung...”

“What are you implying, Jaebum?” Jinyoung whispered. All the rampant energy inside him vanished, leaving him feeling drained and extremely exhausted; mentally and physically. His hand fisted against his chest. “Do you... do you want a divorce?”

Jaebum's jolted violently in his seat. He stepped on the brake and the car stopped with a jerk. He stared at Jinyoung, mouth slightly opened. He sucked in a shaky breath, the hurt in his eyes was visible and bright as the day.

“What _did_ you just say?” his voice was hoarse and dangerous and filled with pain.

 

Goosebumps swept across Jinyoung's skin. But he was hurt, extremely hurt and in pain. Tonight wasn't supposed to end up like this. He wasn't supposed to fight with Jaebum. Things were getting better at some point. He should have known that happiness was only a temporary thing. Sooner or later, Jinyoung had to face the reality even if it meant breaking his own heart. And Jaebum's. Everything in his life seemed to be shaken up, most especially his relationship with people that he loved the most. It was hard for him to deal with. He just wanted the pain to stop and disappear.

 

“Divorce.” He could taste the bitterness in his tongue. It was the first time he ever considered that option but he was too far gone to stop now. “If you are so miserable with me, Jaebum. If you keep doubting me. Maybe...”

“ _Don't_.” Jaebum hissed, his eyes burned with flames. “Don't you fucking dare, Jinyoung.”

 

Jinyoung couldn't think straight. His head hurt. His heart hurt. Everything hurt. Tears streaming down his face. That was it. He knew it was over now. There's nothing he could fix. Without saying anything, Jinyoung got out of the car. Jaebum followed him after. He tried to reach out for him but Jinyoung stopped him. He shook his head.

 

“I wouldn't even think about it, Jaebum,” Jinyoung said, choking back a sob. He looked so fragile and close to falling apart. He lifted his chin and it took every ounce of him to look at him in the eye. “I'd choose you. I'd choose you again and again. Wonpil is my best friend. He will always be my best friend. But you are my everything. You are my whole life.”

Jaebum took a step forward and Jinyoung did the opposite. He finally stopped trying to reach out for him. He stood there, his body trembling. Tears slowly streaming down Jaebum's cheeks. He kept shaking his head.

“No, Jinyoung. Please. No.”

“Maybe it's our end. There's no way we could fix our broken relationship.”

“Fuck. Jinyoung. You're not thinking straight right now.”

 

That's right. Jinyoung couldn't think straight and he didn't care. He took off his wedding ring and blindly threw it out into the busy street of Seoul. He turned around and then he ran away. 

 

* * *

 


	7. Some Time Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for being such a meanie to all of you but this drama isn't over yet xD

* * *

When Jinyoung finally came back to Mark and Jackson's house, relief flooded him when he couldn't spot Jaebum's car. That meant his husband hadn't come back yet. That's good. Jinyoung couldn't face him now. He wasn’t ready. Yet. He wished his best friends didn't notice his absence because he couldn't deal with more questions. And he couldn't let them see his current state. It would make them suspicious and Jinyoung was too heartbroken to explain everything. He needed to put a smile and a happy face for everyone’s sake. He was a very good actor after all. Jinyoung would definitely hate himself if he ruined the party. Today was Mark and Jackson's day. His problem could always wait.

As he stepped onto the porch, he was surprised to find Bambam was waiting for him outside. His oldest son was sitting on the top step alone. Jinyoung approached him quietly, making sure he looked presentable enough even though there’s nothing he could do to cover his swollen eyes and smudged eyeliners. Bambam's head shot up when he heard his footsteps. He looked relieved when he spotted his mother—it’s all written on his face and that surprised Jinyoung even more. His oldest son stood up and quickly ran to him.

 

“Mom, where have you been? I've been waiting here for an hour!”

Jinyoung blinked at him.

“I—I'm sorry.” He said, swallowing loudly. There's no way he could tell Bambam the truth. Not now. He wasn't ready—he’d probably never. “I was out for a moment for... a fresh air. Yeah. Why aren't you inside? Where's Yugyeomie?”

Bambam gave him a look. And Jinyoung quickly shut his mouth.

“Yugyeomie and Youngjae hyung are busy with the guests. I'm here because I'm worried, mom.”

 

Jinyoung's eyes stung. Bambam was the only one who noticed when Jaebum dragged him out earlier. He definitely knew that Jinyoung had lied to him. He forgot that he couldn’t hide anything from him. Never.

Bambam didn't say anything else but his eyes filled with pure concern and worry. Jinyoung's throat instantly closed. At this very moment, of all people, he didn't expect to receive some affection from his oldest son and it made him wanted to cry.

 

“I'm sorry,” he whispered, feeling extremely vulnerable. Bambam took one of his hands, holding it tightly.

“Let's get inside, mom.” He said in a very soft and tender tone, like he's talking to a toddler. “Don't worry. Everyone didn't notice that you were gone except me.”

 

Bambam led him upstairs to Yugyeom's room. He pushed Jinyoung to lie on his back on the bed and snuggled up to him. It felt so much like the old times. Once, in ancient times, Jinyoung an Bambam used to lie in bed before they fell asleep every night and talked about their day, almost like sharing Facebook posts face to face. Jinyoung had to say that he missed it.

 

“Mom?” Bambam called after a moment of silence. Jinyoung only hummed. “I know something's wrong with your marriage. With you and dad.”

Jinyoung's heart instantly stopped. His breath quickened. He thought he might have a panic attack right now but then Bambam wrapped his arms tentatively around him, snuggling up closer. He buried his face on Jinyoung's shoulder. Jinyoung's body slowly melted.

“I'm old enough to notice it.” Bambam continued. “Hyunjin's clueless. You don't have to worry about him.”

Jinyoung hugged him as tight, needing someone to be his anchor right now. He released the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

“Your dad and I,” Jinyoung started, but then he stopped. He opened his mouth again but he seriously couldn't think of the right words right now. His mind was filled with their fight, ugly words, tears, more tears, and it made his heart ached painfully. His eyes brimmed with tears and he quickly blinked them away. “We're just... we're not on a good term right now.”

“You guys are not talking?”

“Yes. Sometimes.” he said, forcing himself to swallow a fat lump down his throat. “Things are getting complicated. In marriage it happens from time to time.”

“I know,” Bambam whispered, tightening his hold. “But you and dad are gonna be okay, right? You guys always make up.”

 

Jinyoung didn't answer him, too tired to give another lie. As he got more comfortable in Bambam’s embrace, he wondered what went wrong between him and his oldest son. There was a time not so long ago when Jinyoung and Bambam spent every Friday afternoon together. He'd pick him up from school and took him somewhere special. His heart would seize with happiness the moment Bambam climbed into the car. It still seized with happiness, but he had to hide it now. Jinyoung had learned to ignore his blank stares and rolling eyes. He'd knock when his door was shut and he tried not to eavesdrop when he's video chatting with Yugyeom.

His point was, Jinyoung was usually very good at letting him have a life—but he missed him terribly. He'd heard the war stories from parents with older children. He just thought, as every parent smugly did, that they would be the exception; that he would never lose him. His relationship with Bambam wasn't easy. Sometimes it felt like they lived in some fiery country in the throes of revolution where each of them spoke a different dialect and sometimes they could barely understand each other.

 

“Mom?”

Bambam called after a long moment of silence. Jinyoung hummed, feeling too happy and too comfortable to even speak. Bambam didn't stop patting his arms and it felt really nice.

“I’m sorry. I know that we barely talk now. I'm so busy with my own life and sometimes I make things hard for you too, right?”

Jinyoung's eyes stung. “Oh, Bam. It's okay. I understand.”

“I know. But you know that I love you, right, mom?”

Jinyoung choked back a sob. He dropped a kiss to Bambam's forehead, his heart seized with joy and happiness. Right now, this moment, was just like how they used to be. Jinyoung hoped this moment would never end.  

“I know.” he whispered, dropping another kiss to his hair. “I love you too, baby. Forever.”

 

It occurred to Jinyoung at that moment that Bambam looked mostly like a Park, not Im. He had a good hair; straight, smooth, and ink black. He had thick eyebrows, full lips, high cheekbones, and V chin. But where Jinyoung saw himself, where he saw the Park side of the family, was around his eyes. The resemblance was especially pronounced when he was sad. The way he bats the tears away with those inky dark lashes. That's Jinyoung. That's his mother. Right there.

There's a lot of things Jinyoung wanted to say to his oldest son but couldn't. The thing was, Jinyoung loved him. And then he got really scared and then he loved him more than he ever thought it would possible for one person to love another. He thought they were not so dissimilar, although he was sure it felt like they were right now. Jinyoung believed they just had different taste and point of view. Often he wished he was more like him. But even so, he would be forever in his side even though Bambam could barely stand to look at him most of the time right now. It was difficult but Jinyoung was muddling through.

When Bambam arrived in his life, an aggressively unhappy baby, Jinyoung had to learn everything from the beginning: how to give a baby a bath, how to get rid of cradle cap, how long he should stay mad at Jaebum when he strapped their baby into the swing haphazardly and he slid out. A lot of stress and sleepless nights. But Jinyoung thought it was all worth it.

Eleven months later, when he woke up one morning and picked Bambam up out of his crib, he made the sweetest dolphin squeal, and he fell instantly in love.  

 

* * *

 

Jinyoung and Bambam came downstairs two hours later when all the guests were gone. The party was already over. Jackson, Mark and their kids were lounging in the living room. Jackson had Mark in his arms securely, still on their suits. Youngjae curled up on the floor with Coco snuggled on his chest. Yugyeom sat on the love-seat alone. When he saw Bambam and Jinyoung, he patted his thighs and his oldest son immediately approached him with a smile. Yugyeom tugged him into his lap and wrapped his arms around his waist, nuzzling his neck. Jinyoung took a seat on the empty couch across Jackson and Mark. Jaebum still hadn't come back yet. Jinyoung was still upset over the fight but he couldn't help but worry. He wondered where he was. Although, knowing Jaebum, he knew he wouldn't do something stupid. He’d probably go to his studio. Yeah, that's possible. He always went there when he was stressed. But today was Jackson and Mark's wedding day. He should be here and be happy for them. 

Jinyoung's train of thoughts was broken when he caught a shadow across him and then there was Jaebum. A man who just broke his heart. He looked totally normal. His expression was very neutral. He didn't look like he just had a mental break down. He didn't even blink when his eyes locked with Jinyoung's. There was something in his eyes; something foreign, something Jinyoung never seen before, and it frustrated him. Now it was officially impossible to read him.

 

“Jaebum, where have you been?” Mark asked, looking as surprised as Jackson when they saw Jaebum entered the living room. “I didn't know that you were gone.”

Jaebum sent Mark and Jackson an apologetic smile as he approached them. He didn’t even bat an eye as he took a seat next to Jinyoung, leaving some space between them. Jinyoung's body stiffened. Bambam saw that. He threw a worried glance at his mother but  Jinyoung quickly gave him a small smile.

“I'm sorry. There was an emergency and I had a quick meeting with the company.”

Jackson and Mark exchanged glances. Jinyoung body went rigid as their gaze landed on him, suspicious and calculating. He really hoped his best friends would buy their lie. It was good Jaebum had tried to cover for him. If it was Jinyoung who opened his mouth, he was damn sure he would spill everything. And that would be a disaster.

“It's okay,” Jackson said, smiling. “Anyway, now that we're all here, Mark and I have some news to share.”

“What is it, Baba?”

Youngjae rose from where he was lying on the floor and crawled to the couch. Mark opened his arms and Youngjae threw himself into his mother's warm embrace, smiling widely. He couldn’t stop smiling this whole day and Jinyoung felt slightly at ease just watching his happy face.

“You know your Baba and I weren't planning on honeymoon, right?”

“Yes, we know that.” Yugyeom said. “Do you guys have another plan?”

Jackson grinned, looking at his youngest proudly. “That's right, pup. You're fast, as expected."

“You Baba and I decided to have a family trip instead. And we want you and your family come with us too, Jinyoung.”

 

Mark told them about his plans. Instead of a honeymoon, he wanted a small trip with all of his family. He thought it would be great. They could have fun together and had a family bonding. When Mark told them he wanted to spend three days in Jeju, Jinyoung's stomach quickly dropped. Of course his best friend just had to choose Jeju as their destination. He eyed Jaebum who hadn't talked much since he arrived and found his husband stared at the carpeted floor with a blank stare. Jinyoung wondered if he actually listening or not. Or did he remember something about Jeju? Did it ring a bell for him?

They fought from time to time. Tonight was just one of them. But their biggest argument happened before they were even married. They were at Jeju, taking a break after their disbandment. And it was over Jaebum wanting to get married and have kids. Jinyoung didn't think they were ready to get married and have kids. They were still young and at that time they didn't have a stable job. They were tight with money. And Jinyoung was afraid. He was afraid he would fail Jaebum. He was freaked out of the thoughts of being responsible for another human being. He barely could take care of himself. Kids were such a big responsibility. Getting married and having kids meant that he had to take a big step in his life. Everything was so scary at that time and Jinyoung didn't think he could handle the pressure. Jaebum was hurt and angry. He thought Jinyoung didn't love him enough to build a family together with him. Jinyoung was such a mess and he couldn't think properly at that time. He couldn't explain to Jaebum about his feelings, his thoughts, and his fear. He couldn't be in the same room with him without feeling suffocated. They were shouting at each other. Jinyoung remembered they were so angry at each other to be able to speak properly.

Jinyoung cried so much at that night and in the middle of their heated argument, he suddenly couldn't breathe and decided to storm out of the lodge they're staying in. It was very cold that night and he ran and ran and ran. He ended up hiking in Halla Mountain near their lodge in the middle of the night. He couldn't remember the way. And it was dark. He was so sure he had gone off trail. He was always going off trail. Jaebum, on the other hand, always stayed on the trail. Without Jaebum there walking beside him, Jinyoung easily drifted, and became helplessly lost. That was a very long time ago. Before cell phones. So Jaebum came after him the old-fashioned way. He called out Jinyoung's name and he ran. And at dusk, when Jaebum finally found Jinyoung, sobbing at the base of a pine tree, he made a promise Jinyoung would never forget. _No matter where I went, no matter how far I drifted, no matter how long I was gone, you would come after me and bring me home._ Jinyoung remembered how hard he cried after that. He didn't even know how the hell Jaebum could find him. He also remembered clutching Jaebum's sleeves, staring at him like it was the first time he looked at him. He couldn't stop crying but he managed to say what he wanted to hear.

 

“Yes,” he'd say. Then there's a beat of silence. Jaebum looked at him confusedly.

“Yes what?” he'd asked.

“Yes to everything.”

“Jinyoung, you don't have to do this.” He'd said. He sounded tired. And hurt. “You're very vulnerable right now. We can have this talk later. Not now. I won't take advantages of your current state.”

Jinyoung shook his head firmly, crying again. His heart ached as he took in the man before him. He loved him so much that he’d do anything for him.

“I was being really stupid. I'm sorry.” he sobbed, tugging at Jaebum's sleeve harder. “Look at me, Jaebum. Look into my eyes.”

Jaebum looked at him and Jinyoung stared back.

“Let's get married. And have kids. I want a daughter.”

Jaebum looked at him for a very long moment before a small smile broke across his face.

“We'll see.” he said, smiling fondly. “For now, we need to go home. God, you're shivering, baby.”

Jinyoung tilted his head up a little.

“Home?”

Jaebum smiled and leaned forward to kiss his red nose. “Home.”

 

It was really romantic. In fact, it was the most romantic thing a man had ever said to him. Which made it all the more difficult for him to come to terms with the fact that eighteen years later they've drifted from one another. It wasn't a goodbye, but more like a warning. Jinyoung has gone off the trail for so long now. Maybe Jaebum should probably come and find him.

 

“Jinyoung, what do you think?”

Mark's soft voice broke Jinyoung out of his reverie. He blinked, so lost in his own thoughts. He lifted his head and found both Mark and Jackson was staring at him with a strange look on their face. He tried to smile as wide as he could but it didn't reach his eyes.

“Sounds great,” he said. “When are we leaving again?”

“The day after tomorrow. You've cleared your schedule until next week, right?”

Jinyoung nodded. “Yes, I have. But how about the others?”

“We can skip school!” Hyunjin said happily, bouncing on his seat. His face lighted up. Of course his twelve-year-old was ecstatic of the idea of skipping school. Bambam eyed him skeptically but nodded along.

“I think it would be great for all of us. We need a holiday.”

Jaebum finally opened his mouth. “That's right. Let's get away from here and have some fun.”

 

Jinyoung felt something tugged at his heart and he sank deeper into his seat. Two nights and three days in Jeju sounded like a nightmare now. But he’d do it for his best friends’ sake—even when his heart was breaking.

 

* * *

 

As Jinyoung stood in front of the sink while brushing his teeth, getting ready for sleep, it finally occurred to him that his ring was gone. His fingers were empty. It sent a pang of regret through him. He felt so stupid right now. He regretted his recklessness. Now, that wasn't a ring from Tiffany&Co or Cartier. It wasn't that expensive but it was Jinyoung's mother wedding ring that had been in her family for years, brought over by her mother. It wasn't worth much—it was one small diamond flanked by two tiny emeralds. What _was_ priceless about the ring was its history and the fact that Jinyoung's father had given it to Jaebum to give to him. There was an engraving inside the band. Something terribly sweet that Jinyoung couldn't recall. He'd never take off his ring before until tonight. He completely forgot what it says. All he could remember was the word “sun”.

Jinyoung's stomach dropped as the reality sank in. He couldn't believe that he threw it out the street—out of nowhere. And it was gone. Jinyoung would never see it again. There's no way he would tell his mother. It would break his heart. He just couldn't bear the thoughts of disappointing her. He felt like crying as he kept staring at his fingers. It felt so wrong not having it there. Like something important was missing from his life. The loss of the ring was deeply unsettled for Jinyoung. Losing, or in his case, throwing away, something so priceless after what had happened to them—was this a bad omen?

The door of the bathroom flung open and it instantly broke Jinyoung out of his reverie. He blinked and found Jaebum staring at him through the mirror. His husband was the first one to break their eye contact. Jinyoung’s heart dropped to the bottom of his stomach. He stood frozen, his gut knotting. A heavy sense of dread had my heart racing and cold sweat coating his skin.

 

“Jae—“ he stopped himself. He couldn’t even say his name.

“I'm sorry,” he beat him first, mumbling lowly. He didn’t meet Jinyoung’s eyes. “I'll just...”

He didn't say anything else and quickly left the bathroom. Jinyoung's eyes stung and his heart hurt. At this point, he knew it was too late to make any changes. They were back at square one again. But this time, for a completely different reason. 

 

* * *

 


	8. Saving You

* * *

 

It was still six in the morning when Jaebum’s alarm went off. Jinyoung was grumpy and unhappy. He wanted to sleep more but Hyunjin barged into his room and dragged him to the bathroom, telling him to take a quick shower because they didn't have much time to get ready. His youngest son was so excited to start the trip. He hadn't had his breakfast yet and made his way to the kitchen. His oldest son was already downstairs and he dragged him to the front door before his mother reached the kitchen. Jinyoung grumbled loudly and Bambam told him that they would stop at a restaurant later to eat lunch. For breakfast, Jaebum had already prepared it and they could eat in the car. At the mention of Jaebum's name, Jinyoung could only keep mum. They hadn't talked since their big fight two days ago. He also hadn't seen Jaebum much. His husband always escaped to his studio and came back home when Jinyoung was asleep. It was a torture for both of them. This fight was a lot worse than all the bad things that had happened the past few months combined. Jinyoung was trying so hard to cope up. It was getting harder but right now there was nothing he could do. Jaebum won't talk to him and Jinyoung was too tired to try again. This time he let it happened without a fight. If Jaebum didn't want to fight for him and their relationship, then Jinyoung didn't see why he had to do it. He had done his part. He had tried before. And nothing worked. Maybe this time Jinyoung should give up for real although there's still part of him who wanted to win him back—he wasn't sure which part was stronger.

 

“Mom, could you please stop frowning?” Hyunjin said, poking his head into the front seat. Jinyoung turned to him with a deeper frown on his face. “Ugh, your dark circles are scary.”

Jinyoung snorted. “I already have a problem with my left eyelid. Don't start with my dark circle.”

“Why are you always talking about the same problem over and over again?” Hyunjin shook his head, plopping down into his seat. “I told you it didn't look as bad as you thought. Right, dad?”

Jaebum who just slid into the car turned around to face his son.

“Right what?”

Hyunjin pointed his finger at his mother. “Mom is still being bitter about his left eyelid.”

Jinyoung grunted. “Im Hyunjin, it is rude to point your finger to your parents.”

“But you are being overdramatic, mom!” Hyunjin pouted. He turned to his brother. “Bam, mom's left eyelid's fine, right? He doesn't look like Chou at all.”

Bambam eyed his mother and nodded. Ever since their talk on Mark and Jackson’s wedding, his oldest son became a little soft to him and they actually talked again. Although he still couldn’t stand him sometimes.

“Yeah,” he said. “Don't worry about that, mom. You look fine.”

 

Hyunjin squealed, happy that someone was on his side to defend his point. He offered his fist to his brother and Bambam bumped it with his with a smile. Jinyoung's heart dropped a little at the sight. He knew the day would come when he'd lose Hyunjin to Bambam, when they would begin to confide in one another and keep each other's secrets or taking each other's sides, but he had no idea it would happen this soon or like this.

 

“Can we please go right now?” Jinyoung said, feeling tired already.

“Well, I need to prove my point first so you wouldn't bring up this topic again.” Hyunjin said, grinning. “Say, dad. Is mom look like Chou?”

Jaebum took a while to answer his youngest's question. Jinyoung could feel Jaebum's eyes on him but he was too stubborn to return the gaze.

“He looks like Coco.”

Jinyoung frowned, clearly not expecting that kind of answer. What was that supposed to mean? He slowly turned his head to face Jaebum and it occurred to him that this was the first they looked into each other's eyes since their fight. Jaebum's gaze was surprisingly gentle and Jinyoung could feel his breath quickened.

“Dad, you’re not supposed to compare mom to dogs! Now he’s going to freak out again!” Hyunjin let out an exasperated sound, pouting deeper at his father. Bambam silently watched the interaction between his parents.

Jaebum held Jinyoung's gaze when he finally answered Hyunjin's question.

“Coco's cute.”

“Then that means you are cute, mom.” translated Bambam. A grin broke across his face.  

 

Jinyoung gave Jaebum a perplexed look. His answer completely threw him off. His husband was persistent. He kept staring at him and didn’t aver his gaze, studying him. Jinyoung could feel a light hue of pink crept up his neck and up to his cheeks. He blinked and quickly turned his head, avoiding Jaebum's piercing gaze. It sent a foreign feeling at the pit of Jinyoung's stomach. This time he couldn't help but feel giddy inside.

 

* * *

 

An hour later they were on the road and their family bonding looked like this; Jinyoung was reading Anna Karenina that he’d bought online weeks ago but hadn’t got a chance to read it because of his busy schedules, Jaebum listening to Prince's songs on his iPhone, Hyunjin playing Angry Birds on the phone and every so often shouting _dang it_ and _shit_ and for once nobody, especially Jinyoung, didn't scold him, and Bambam furiously texting—God knew to whom. His oldest son surprisingly wasn't pissed when he had to separate from Yugyeom. Mark offered him to ride with them but Bambam politely declined, saying that his family needed to bonding.

It was like that for four and a half hours until they began driving over the pass and cell reception cut out. Then it was like they've awoken from a dream.

 

“Whoa, trees,” said Hyunjin, pressing his face against the window, gaping at the scenery before him.

“It's so beautiful here,” Bambam had his mouth wide open, peering down at the sea. “I can’t wait to go outside and feel the fresh air.”

“Have you been here before, mom, dad?” Hyunjin asked, turning his head to his parents. Jaebum stared at him through the driving mirror above the driver's seat.

“We've been here a lot.” Jaebum answered. “We had our honeymoon here in a small cabin for five days. And I’m telling you it was the best five days ever.”

 

Jinyoung gaped at his husband, his eyes grew impossibly wide. He looked at him with a slightly opened mouth, wondering what the hell was happening with his husband to be like this. Why was he acted like nothing happened between them? Like they hadn't fought and shouted at each other’s faces just two days ago. Like they hadn't lost their precious wedding ring. Jinyoung couldn't help but frown at him, his look speculative. But Jaebum was oblivious and his husband even smiled, clearly in a very good mood. Was there any reason for him to be _this_ happy?

 

“Really?” Hyunjin looked surprised. “I didn't know that! Why you never told me about this?”

“You never asked.”

 

Jaebum simply answered. Hyunjin gave his father a dirty look and Jaebum _laughed_. He laughed. Genuinely, which almost never happened. Out loud and contagious that it left Jinyoung breathless. He watched as his loud laugh shook his large shoulders, his chest twitched, and his eyes turned crescent. Jaebum rarely laughed. Well, Jinyoung hadn't heard his laugh for what seemed like forever. His heart swelled with fondness—it was his automatic reaction whenever he'd heard him laugh. It used to be so easy to make Jaebum laugh. He didn't have to make funny faces or throw jokes to make him laugh. Jinyoung just had to be himself and Jaebum would laugh with his entire face. Despite their current no-talking term, Jinyoung had to admit that he missed it. He missed his laughs.

 

“Please don't tell me that I was conceived on the backseat.”

 

Bambam scrunched his face and there was a beat of silence before Jaebum started laughing maniacally. Hyunjin looked utterly confused meanwhile Jinyoung groaned out loud, blood flooded his cheeks. He blushed more deeply as Jaebum's gaze landed on him, his husband still couldn't stop laughing. Now that Bambam had mentioned it, Jinyoung thought of their first time. They had sex even before they were married. They were in the dorm, in the middle of the night after they won their first award. Laughing and fumbling with the condom and Jinyoung wanted to get past their first time together, so they could get to just being together. Jinyoung thought of Jaebum. Practically a teenager, still pale and fair. Laughing through clenched teeth and touching him like he was made of glass. Their first time was clumsy and sloppy yet gentle and still passionate. Jinyoung remembered every touch had left him breathless, skin tingled and his whole body quivered.

 

“What’s conceived means?” Hyunjin asked, pulling Jinyoung's out of reverie. His youngest son huffed loudly because he was the only one who didn't understand the joke.

Bambam shook his head. “You're just a kid. You wouldn’t understand.”

Hyunjin shoved his shoulder.

“Hey, I'm not a kid, you stupid! I'm twelve!”

“How dare you call me 'stupid', you little piece—“

 

Bambam and Hyunjin started to bicker like they always did. They said a lot of profanities but at this point Jinyoung didn't even care. He was blushing a deep red. He didn't even know that he still could blush like a mad teenager.

 

Stupid Jaebum was still eyeing him with his stupid smile decorating his stupid face.

“Drive, Jaebum.” Jinyoung mumbled under his breath, refusing to look at him back.

“I _am_ driving.” he answered and Jinyoung swore there was an amusement in his voice.

“Look ahead.”

“I am.”

“Shut up.”

Jaebum gave him a smile with a glint of playfulness in his eyes and Jinyoung hated him so much. Stupid Jaebum.

 

* * *

 

Before going to the lodge they're going to stay at, Mark suggested they should go grocery shopping. They stopped at the supermarket and Jinyoung immediately regretted everything. As soon as they stepped inside, people turned their heads to the gang; four middle-aged men with gorgeous features and four teenagers with super gens. Apparently, even in small towns, it wasn't so hard to recognize Mark and Jackson; a former international model and one of the most popular soloists back in the day. Some recognized Jinyoung, but they were too busy staring at Mark's flawless face. It wasn't new having people drooling over his best friend's face. He attracted attention easily and effortlessly.

What Jinyoung didn't expect were people to drool over _his Jaebum_. Jinyoung hadn't realized it until today. Jaebum had lost his baby fat, his soft belly, and a hint of a double chin. Once Hyunjin was big enough to have his own room, he started working out again. He hit the gym every once a week, sometimes two. Hauling two little boys, bags of groceries, stacks of library books, he did it effortlessly. Meanwhile, Jinyoung was getting tired with each day that passed by. Sometimes it was so easy to forget that he was an actor and a public figure that had to maintain how he looked in front of cameras. Behind his thick make-up, Jinyoung was shapeless and limp, and perpetually tired-looking—he would never forget his left eyelid but made a mental note not to mention it in front of his kids. He never got enough sleep anymore. While Jaebum had come into focus over the years—clean-jawed and sharp eyes—Jinyoung had lost his own reflection in the mirror.

Sometimes when he had a day off, he'd walk to the park, the four of them, and Jinyoung would see how the stay-at-home moms looked at Jaebum. At first he thought they were looking at him, but then he squinted and it was clear that they're checking out his husband. Jinyoung would come home extremely pissed and Jaebum who was oblivious would chase him and silently calm him down by showering kisses over his face—he was aware of Jinyoung’s jealousy. Now that was a very, very long time ago. Jinyoung didn't get jealous anymore. And he certainly wasn't jealous and extremely pissed when middle-aged women blatantly checking his husband out. And he definitely wasn't sulking when Jaebum smiled back and waved at them, as always being oblivious as hell.

 

“Mom, are you okay? You're really red right now.”

Jinyoung blinked and found Hyunjin staring at him with furrowed eyebrows. He gave his youngest son a tight smile. He felt weird. He wasn’t supposed to look at Jaebum. He was supposed to stay mad at him. Why was he suddenly became so much aware of Jaebum? That pissed him off. 

“I'm fine. Just a little hot here. Where's your father?”

A grin that broke across Hyunjin's face made Jinyoung's stomach twitched.

“There,” he pointed at Jaebum who's standing only several feet away from them, scanning the shelves of vegetables. Behind him, a few middle-aged women shamelessly kept stealing glances at him.

“I've always known that dad is still popular among women, even girls. Do you know that one of my classmates asked me to get dad's photograph? She said his mom used to be dad’s fan. And she also thinks that dad's hot.”

Cursing under his breath, Jinyoung threw a sack of onion to the trolley.

“He's not.”

"You're in denial, mom."

Jinyoung shot his youngest a look.

“Im Hyunjin, I'm not in denial.”

Hyunjin lifted one of his eyebrows, folding his arms across his chest. He looked so smug.

“You also think that dad's hot, right? You just checked him out, mom.”

“I'm not!” he shrieked, looking at his youngest with a scandalous look. The sound that coming from his mouth sounded like a strangled cat and it successfully drew some attention from people, including Jaebum. Jinyoung instantly flushed.

“Go away and leave me alone, Im Hyunjin.”

 

Hyunjin laughed, a glint of amusement in his eyes that looked so much like Jaebum's it made Jinyoung wanted to bury himself deep to the ground. Jinyoung slapped the back of his head while muttering a soft 'you punk' and then he pushed the trolley toward Jaebum's direction. But then he stopped as soon as he realized what he was doing. What the hell did he go to Jaebum? Just then his husband turned around and it was too late to run away. Taking a deep breath, he pushed the trolley again and stopped in front of him.

 

“Are you done?” Jinyoung asked, lowering his gaze. There's no way he would look at Jaebum in the eye without showing his flushed cheeks. Those middle-aged women who were staring at Jaebum looked disappointed as soon as they saw him. Jinyoung scowled at them. Yes, that’s right. _I’m his husband!_  

“Yes.”

Jaebum threw some vegetables and butter into the trolley. He took a few steps ahead and stopped beside Jinyoung.

“Is there anything you want? Ice cream?”

Jinyoung lifted his head up and glared at him.

“How old do you think I am, Jaebum? Five?”

Jaebum shrugged. “Well?”

“Get me the vanilla ice cream.”

Jaebum stifled a laugh as he nodded at him. Jinyoung hated him even more.

“Right away....” he stopped for a while then smiled down at him. “... _princess_.”  

 

Jinyoung stood frozen in his place, his stomach knotted and a new wave of pain hit him. This was all too familiar for him. The mood swing. The sudden change of behavior. Jinyoung hated Jaebum for always pretending everything between them was perfectly fine when in reality they were so close to falling apart, burn into ashes. He was being cold-hearted right now. He didn't have the right to call him 'princess' and flirted with him as if their fight was just some kind of nightmare that would disappear in the morning. Like it didn't really happen. Jinyoung needed him to say something. To fix their broken relationship. To fix him. To fix them. He needed Jaebum to come to him and tell him anything; anything that could repair their marriage. It was getting really hard. Jinyoung was still mourning over his wedding ring and Jaebum didn't help at all. He was too tired to keep up with his game. It was almost over. If one of them didn't do something, Jinyoung was scared his nightmare would come true. He just couldn't handle another broken heart and a broken marriage.

 

* * *

 

As soon as they'd arrived at the lodge, they're already facing a problem. Apparently the lodge that Jackson had rented turned out only had three rooms. It was supposed to have four rooms. Cursing loudly, Jackson pulled out his phone and quickly called the owner. He had made it clear a few weeks ago when he booked it that he wanted to rent a lodge with four rooms. He engaged in a heated argument, taking a few steps away from the kids so they couldn't hear him cursing again. Mark stood beside him, resting his head on his shoulder and rubbing his back gently. A few minutes later an extremely pissed Jackson came back with Mark by his side.

 

“The owner forgot to tell me that the lodge with four rooms wasn’t available. How could he forget something so important like that? I wouldn’t have booked it if I knew about it. We need four rooms.”

Mark held his hand tightly, trying to calm his fuming husband.

“It's past almost dinner time and the kids are tired.” Jinyoung said. “I think it’s better for us to just stay here.”

“Mom, I want to have my own room with Yugyeomie!” Bambam clutched Yugyeom's torso tightly. Jinyoung gave him a warning look.

“Jinyoung's right,” Jaebum said and Jinyoung instantly tensed. It was strange to have Jaebum taking his side. “I can sleep on the couch.”

“There's no way one of us is sleeping on the couch.”

“Mark, we don't have another choice,” Jaebum told him gently. “I'm fine with sleeping on the couch. Jinyoung can sleep with Hyunjin and Youngjae. Yugyeomie and Bambam still can their own room. And of course you and Jackson have to sleep together.”

Mark looked conflicted. “But—“

“Mama, can we please have dinner first? I'm starving. And exhausted.” Youngjae whined, tugging at his mother's sleeve. Mark and Jackson let out a tired sigh. It seemed like they didn't have another choice.

“Alright,” Jackson said, pushing his hair back. “We stay here then.”

“Finally,” Hyunjin groaned, dragging a whiny Youngjae inside to unpack their things and wash up. Bambam and Yugyeom were gone even before their parents finished their conversation. Mark turned to Jaebum and Jinyoung and smiled at them apologetically.

“I'm sorry.” He said. “Things aren’t going as we’ve planned.”

Jaebum gave his best friends a big smile.

“It’s okay. Couch's more than fine.”

 

Jaebum was in charge of cooking. As soon as he stepped into the lodge, he put his bag on the couch and went straight to the kitchen and carried the grocery bags all by himself. Mark and the kids were all upstairs. Jackson came downstairs a moment later to help Jaebum. Jinyoung sat on the couch with a book on his lap. He was too tired to go upstairs and cooking wasn’t his department. He decided to read some more—he would never admit that he simply there because he just wanted to watch his husband cooking.

Jaebum looked happy. He smiled a lot today. He was smiling now, laughing at something Jackson had said. For a long time he knew that Jaebum wasn't happy—he still thought that it was his fault. He hadn't been happy for a long time. And now he looked so carefree, so smiley, and just so happy that it hurt Jinyoung even more to see something sparkled in his eyes. Jinyoung wasn't being melodramatic. He just wanted to be honest. He’d done a good job for not letting himself to think about it for a while because his brain would dive and never touch the bottom. He didn't let himself think about it. But now a happy Jaebum was right in front of him and he didn't know how to handle it. Was he happy because of the holiday? Or was it because of something else? But, what could it be? Jinyoung had to admit that he did wanted him to be happy again. But after what happened to them, Jinyoung thought it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair because Jaebum was happy and he wasn't. He was hurt and in pain. And when he's hurt and in pain he wanted everybody he loved on his side. Now he was being melodramatic.

 

“Jinyoung, can you come here, please? Jaebum hyung made kimchi fried rice and it's so spicy I think I'm going to die!”

Jaebum snorted, his eyes lingered on Jinyoung from across the kitchen before staring back at his frying pan.

“Don't be so dramatic, Wang. Be grateful I give you food.”

Jackson pouted. “You are so mean.”

 

Jinyoung put his book down the table after bookmarked it and got up from his seat to help them settle the table. Throughout the dinner Jinyoung refused to meet Jaebum's eyes. He lowered his head, staring down at his food. He ate as quiet as possible and he didn't talk much. Fortunately the kids were so noisy that no one noticed it. Needing something to distract himself, Jinyoung offered to do the dishes. The kids shouted in triumph, clearly happy because they hated doing dishes. As soon as they had finished the dinner, they quickly ran upstairs. Jackson and Mark helped Jinyoung cleared the table before they bid both Jinyoung and Jaebum goodnight.

As Jinyoung stood at the kitchen sink to wash the dishes, he was completely aware of Jaebum's presence. It was really quiet but Jinyoung knew his husband was still there. Jinyoung tried to hard not to turn around. He didn't know what Jaebum was doing right now but he could feel his piercing gaze on his back and it made his body warmed all over. Another minute passed by and suddenly a broad chest pressed against his back and strong hands wrapped around his waist.

 

Jinyoung gasped loudly. “ _Jaebum_.”  

Jaebum nuzzled his neck, breathing in his scent. Jinyoung's chest expanded on a deep breath, his body responding to the proximity of his. He fought the urge to put his hands on top of Jaebum's, to sink even deeper into his warm embrace, the place where he so desperately wanted to be. Instead he froze, his mind-numbing.

“Let me go, Jaebum.” Jinyoung's voice remained steady but he was anything but calm.

“No,” Jaebum said softly, pressing himself closer. “I'm not letting you go.”

Jinyoung's chest tightened, forcing him to take a minute before he could reply.

“I'm tired, Jaebum.” Jinyoung whispered, his voice finally cracked. “I'm really tired.”

 

Jaebum slowly spun Jinyoung around to face him. He took a deep breath. His hand reached up to tilt Jinyoung's chin up but his husband still refused to meet his eyes.

 

“I'm sorry.” Jaebum said, his voice came quiet and small. “Jinyoungie, please look at me?”

Jinyoung blinked, slowly lifting his eyes to stare Jaebum's.

“You hurt me.” he told him, his eyes stinging with fresh tears. “You hurt me, Jaebum.”

“I know. And I'm sorry.”

Jinyoung lifted his hands tentatively and rested it on his shoulder, gripping it tightly as if he was afraid that he might fall apart again.

“Jinyoungie,” Jaebum brought his hands to Jinyoung's face, cupping it gently. “I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry.”

His forehead touched Jinyoung's. Their breath mingled.

“I'm sorry for making you upset.”

He kissed his brow, his fingers brushing the hair from his face. The back of Jinyoung's throat burned. He exhaled roughly and his eyes squeezed shut. He was shaking, and then he cried, overwhelmed by the knowledge of how much he needed this, how much he needed him.

“Jaebumie.”

 

Tilting his head to the angle he wanted, Jaebum took Jinyoung's mouth with searing possession, tasting him with slow, deep licks. His passion and hunger exploded across Jinyoung's senses. He melted into him, and he whimpered, his hands tangling in his hair. Jaebum stroked his tongue along the seam of his mouth and Jinyoung's mouth fell open. A sob escaped him.

 

“Ssh, it's okay, baby,” Jaebum breathed, pulling back to gently cradle his jaw. He looked into his eyes.

“It's too much.” Jinyoung sobbed, his body trembled. His beautiful eyes looked as weary as Jaebum's.

“I know, baby.” he rubbed the tip of his nose against him, keeping his arms locked around his waist and pulled him against his body.

Jinyoung looked at him, his soul bared to those deep eyes that didn't let him hide anything. For the first time in years he could finally see that there was so much love in the look Jaebum gave him. Love and worry, and finally... hope. A look Jinyoung had never expected to see again. He cried harder and Jaebum was quick to pull him against his chest, resting his chin on top of his head.

“I promise we're gonna be okay, baby,” he whispered. “We’re gonna be okay.”

Jinyoung buried his face in his husband's chest, wrapping his arms around his neck, holding him as close as possible. His message was clear and he knew he didn't have to say it out loud for his husband to understand; _Please find me. Please run to me. Please come to me and bring me home like you’ve promised me many years ago._

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sad to announce that this story is coming to an end soon. Only a few more chapters :')


	9. In Two Parts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy #JJProjectVerse2Anniversary ♡

* * *

It was definitely a bad idea for two grown-up men to attempt sleeping together on a small couch. Jinyoung was certain that he would get a cramp the next morning but he didn't have another choice. He was supposed to sleep with Hyunjin and Youngjae but when he entered the room, there wasn't any space on the bed. Those two were sprawled out on their backs on the bed and there's no way Jinyoung could fit there. That was how he ended up laying face to face with Jaebum, bodies pressed against each other and limbs entangled. Jinyoung rested his head on one of Jaebum's hand as if it was his pillow. Both of his hands fisted against his chest. Jaebum settled his free hand on Jinyoung's waist and gripped it loosely. They were so close. Their breath mingled. It should have felt awkward or strange. But it was okay. Being so close to Jaebum like this was more than okay. As Jinyoung stared at his face, he could imagine doing this forever.

 

Jaebum was gazing at him. He looked peaceful with a lovely smile decorated his face. Unguarded, relaxed, and totally at ease.

“Sleepy?” Jaebum asked and Jinyoung could feel his breath warm against his face. He shook his head slowly. He was anything but sleepy.

“Not at all. Are you sleepy?”

Jaebum shook his head.

“Are you sure you want to sleep here? You'll probably be going to complain about your back tomorrow.”

They laughed together, their voice low, deep and resonant in the absolute stillness.

“Definitely,” Jinyoung said. “I'm old, you know. It's getting hard to move.”

Jaebum smiled. “You're not that old, Jinyoungie.”

 

Jinyoung smiled back at him. He couldn't stop looking at him, couldn't bear to tear his gaze away. Everything seemed unreal for him. It didn't look real. It looked like a very special Christmas present. He'd been dreaming about this for as long as he could remember. He dreamt to be in his arms again and felt his body against his. Now it was happening and Jinyoung almost thought he was still dreaming. He'd caught Jaebum in a happy, unguarded moment, a state of being Jinyoung was determined to keep him in for the rest of his life. The sight of his face with its sharp chin and sharper eyes brought back memories from the past. Happy moments, sad moments, and every little moment that he'd shared with him. Jinyoung would take everything and keep it forever.

 

“Everything feels like a dream now.” He whispered.

Jaebum brought his hand to his face and Jinyoung shivered as his cool fingers touched his cheek. His skin was cool but his flesh was warm beneath and Jinyoung absorbed his heat, breathed in his scent.

“We'll talk once we're home,” Jaebum promised him. “We're gonna be okay, baby.”

Jinyoung hummed in agreement. “We're gonna be okay.”

 

Jinyoung scooted closer to him, feeling the warmth radiating from his strong body. He wrapped one of his hands around his neck, tilting his head up a little and his mouth was on his chin. Jinyoung was warm and comfortable and happy. He didn't want to think about something that would dampen his mood. He didn't want to think about something that would ruin this moment. He just wanted to stay like this. He wanted to talk about forever. He just wanted to hear his voice. He wanted to hear him talking non-stop because his voice sounded pleasing in his ears. He wanted to feel Jaebum’s arms around him, keeping him grounded. Everything was perfect. This moment felt so right. Just like everything had been all right when they danced forehead to forehead eighteen years ago.

 

“Jinyoungie,” he said, and then swallowed. “I miss you.”

Jinyoung's heart hammered in his chest and his throat went dry. Fresh tears stung his eyes. He choked back a sob and swallowed.

“I miss you, too, stupid.”

 

Jaebum laughed and Jinyoung tried to kiss everything that moved. He leaned forward to kiss his lips, his cheeks, and the corner of his eyes. He giggled and set his lips on his chin again. He slid his fingers into his hair, cradling the back of his head. God, Jaebum was warm—his skin was so warm and thick.

 

Jaebum kicked one leg free and wrapped it around his waist, trapping him.

“Keep going that.”

“Here, here, here,” Jinyoung said, kissing the top of his head the way he always kissed him. Jaebum's hair didn't smell like shampoo. It smelled like coffee mostly, a hint of _kimchi jiggae_ they'd eaten for dinner, and like Jinyoung's pillow after Jaebum had used it—he just smelled like _his Jaebum_. Jinyoung kissed his forehead, the space between his eyebrows, down the tip of his nose. Jaebum's face felt hot in his hands.

“Jinyoungie, if I kiss you now, are you going to leap away from me?”

Jinyoung gave him a blinding smile that instantly took Jaebum's breath away. His eyes sparkling.

“Never.”

“Promise me?”

“Shut up and kiss me, Jaebum. _Now_.”

 

Jaebum laughed again before pulling him forward and then he finally kissed him. When Jaebum’s lips touched his, Jinyoung felt the earth below him melt away. His lips were firm yet soft against Jinyoung's, his grip angling him just the way he wanted, his teeth scraping gently across his lower lip. The taste of him, a hint of rich black coffee, flooded Jinyoung's senses. His touch feathery soft, sending a shiver that traveled down his spine into his legs, his body instantly quivered. Jinyoung clutched his hair and pressed himself closer. Always closer. But never close enough. When Jaebum pulled away slightly, Jinyoung made a noise like it hurt.

 

“Ssh, baby,” Jaebum cupped his face tenderly like he was touching something that might fall apart in his hands. He opened his mouth to speak but Jinyoung leaned in and stopped him. He couldn't help himself. Jaebum's lips were always right there and he just wanted to kiss him.

“Jaebumie,” Jinyoung reached up and touched his face. There was a lump on his throat but he couldn't force it down. “I just...”

“I know, baby,” he pecked his lips and smiled. “It's okay. I’m here now.”

Jinyoung's chest tightened and tears rolled down his cheeks.

“We almost...”

“Enough, Jinyoungie,” Jaebum whispered, wiping the tears from his face. “You're here. Be here now.”

 

And then he leaned down again to capture Jinyoung's lips with his and gave him a kiss that filled his lungs with air.

 

* * *

 

The first time Jinyoung woke up, it was just after dawn, and it was because he was cold. And he was alone. Which was alarming at first. But then he heard Jaebum's voice and then came the sound of knives and pots and pans clanging. He was probably in the kitchen preparing breakfast. Feeling at ease, Jinyoung pulled the blanket up over his head and tried to go back to sleep. It felt like he'd been dreaming; dreaming something good, something unreal, and maybe he'd be able to get back to it if he didn't completely open his eyes. He fell asleep thinking that he couldn't remember the last time he felt so warm and so in love. Obviously he was in love with Jaebum, he'd always been in love with him, but when was the last time he'd talked to him for hours and enjoyed each other's company? Just him and Jaebum. The two of them.

The second time Jinyoung woke up, it was because somebody was shouting. Two somebodies were shouting.

 

“BUT THAT ISN'T FAIR AT ALL.”

Jinyoung groaned. Who the hell was that?

“Quit whining, kid. This is a family trip. We make the decision together.” Jinyoung could hear Bambam snorted. He clearly sounded pissed.

“BUT I WANT TO GO TO THE BEACH! I DON’T WANT TO GO HIKING!” That was definitely Hyunjin.

“Hyunjinie, we can go to the beach right after we’re done hiking. Don’t worry! We’ll go wherever Hyunjinie wants to go.” Their sweet and lovely Youngjae who tried to calm Hyunjin down in the sweetest voice was Jinyoung’s cue to wake up. He opened his eyes and slowly sat up. He rubbed his eyes, still groggy and dazed. He got up and the blanket dropped around his feet.

 

Jinyoung found everyone in the kitchen. His eyes immediately found Jaebum. His Jaebum was stirring something on the frying pan, looking casual and homey in his red hoodie and sweatpants that he couldn't help but admire him. Jinyoung wanted to throw his arm around his neck, bury his face in the crook of his neck and just inhale. That would be the best way to start his morning; to be so close with someone who could fill his lungs with air and made his heart fluttered with wonderful sensations. Jinyoung had to admit that he was a little bit sad and panic when he couldn't see Jaebum's face when he woke up. He wanted to wake up to his face, to study him all over again. He would love to throw himself at Jaebum and do whatever he wanted to do right now but his youngest son was scowling so hard and looked like he was on the verge of crying. Jinyoung approached the table and braced himself. This was how usually his mornings went.

 

“What happened here?”

Everyone looked up almost at the same time but Jinyoung still caught Jaebum's eyes on him. He glanced at his husband and gave him a little nod. Jaebum smiled back and something inside Jinyoung fluttered.

“Hyunjinie wanted to go to the beach but we already planned everything out. We agreed that we're going to go hiking first. But like Youngjae said, we can go to the beach right after we go hiking.”

Mark explained to Jinyoung as he cracked an egg on a frying pan. That was definitely for Yugyeom because that kid couldn't have his breakfast without scramble egg. Jinyoung took a seat next to Bambam. His oldest son's expression was neutral now. He didn't look piss or angry. Instead, he took his time enjoying his pancakes with maple syrup on top of it.

“Why do you have pancakes for breakfast meanwhile everyone else only got stir-fry kimchi?” Jinyoung asked, staring at Bambam's plate with a slight pout. He wanted pancakes too!

“Baba made it for me. Right, Baba?”

Jackson who's in charge of dishes this morning turned his head from where he's standing at the sink and gave Bambam a wink. Jinyoung snorted.

“I can make pancakes for you.” Jaebum's voice startled Jinyoung. He looked up and found his husband staring at him. A blush instantly colored his cheeks. “Do you want pancakes, princess?”

 

There was a beat of silence after that and Jinyoung curiously watched their reaction. Jackson had a big smile on his face and he wriggled his eyebrows playfully at him. He mouthed 'princess' with a glint of amusement in his eyes and Jinyoung wanted to say something snarky to wipe the smugness from his face but he couldn't. Not when he was blushing deep red and couldn't even find his voice. Youngjae grinned so wide at him. He shoved a spoonful or rice to stifle his giggle. Hyunjin who was upset earlier was now looking between him and Jaebum with a strange look on his face. He muttered a low 'ew' but didn't make another comment. Yugyeom giggled and clapped like a five-year-old kid, his loud laughter brightened up Jinyoung's morning. Bambam surprisingly didn't make any snarky comments. He didn't say anything. But the way his eyes lighted up made Jinyoung's heart fluttered. His oldest son gave him a smile and Jinyoung knew the message behind it: _Everything’s gonna be okay now_.

Jinyoung smiled back at him and when he lifted his eyes and locked gaze with Mark's, his best friend had a look on his face that he couldn't decipher. There was a glint of mischief, amusement, and also... _relief_. But then a grin broke across his face and he pointed his finger at Jinyoung.

 

“Ha!” he said. “So now he calls you 'princess' again?”

Jinyoung blushed scarlet as everyone's attention was fully on him again.

“Shut up, Mark.”

Yugyeom giggled. “That's romantic! Eomma and Appa are so romantic!”

Youngjae nodded enthusiastically. Bambam rolled his eyes meanwhile Hyunjin made a gesture like he wanted to throw up.

“Gross.” his youngest son muttered under his breath.

“Hey, your mama and I are romantic, too!” Jackson said. “I call him 'angel' all the time but you guys didn't say anything! That isn't fair. I put a lot of effort to make your mother happy, you know!”

Yugyeom had the nerve to stick his tongue out at his father playfully.

“Baba's gross!”

“All of them are gross,” Bambam added.

Jackson placed his hand over his chest and put a faked hurt expression on his face.

“Yugyeomie, Bambamie. How could you, pups? Don't you love me anymore?”

Youngjae, being the sweet boy that he was, got up from his seat and ran to his father's arms. He nuzzled his face against Jackson's chest and smiled so bright it made everyone in the room cooed at him.

“Don't worry, dad! I love you a lot!”

Jackson's eyes watered and he hugged Youngjae so tight it made Youngjae couldn't breathe.

 

Jinyoung almost forgot that Jaebum was on the same room. He had the strong urge to run and hide somewhere far away and never came back because he was beyond embarrassed right now. But then Jaebum was staring at him and a warm feeling overwhelmed him in an absolute way as he looked back into his deep eyes. Jinyoung sat facing him and he couldn't take his eyes from him, while Jaebum approached him in deliberate, slow steps. And then he stopped only feet in front of him and Jinyoung had to look up to see his face. His husband was smiling down at him and his eyes were soft and warm, and there was a fond look on his face. He had a strong chin and high forehead and Jinyoung's chest tightened. This man before him was the Jaebum he knew. A soft and warm Jaebum that he hadn't seen for a while. He was finally there. Right in front of him. Jinyoung was so overcome with emotions that he couldn't say anything. His throat closed up tight and his heart hammered in his chest. And then, Jaebum leaned down ever so slowly toward his head, his hand on his cheek, and then he placed a soft kiss on his forehead and Jinyoung almost burst into tears right there.

 

“Good morning, baby,” he said softly. “Here's your coffee. I'll make some pancakes for you. Go brush your teeth first, okay?”

Bambam and Hyunjin groaned out loud. Mark and Youngjae giggled like a high-schooler. Jackson and Yugyeom looked so smug. Jinyoung lowered his gaze, reaching up to grip weakly at his sleeve.

“Okay, Jaebumie.” he whispered. Jaebum chuckled lowly and patted his hair gently.

“Okay, Jinyoungie.”

“OKAY, MOM, DAD. THAT'S IT. I'M OUT OF HERE. YOU GUYS ARE SO GROSS. GET A ROOM PLEASE!”

 

Hyunjin bolted out of his seat and pushed pas his father to go upstairs. Jinyoung finally laughed. And then Jaebum laughed with him too. And it felt so nice to be able to laugh together again.

 

* * *

 

Before they head out, they agreed to hike all the way. They arrived at the entrance of Seongpanak at ten. The kids are excited, expect Hyunjin. He was still sulking and refused to talk to everyone—he only talked to Youngjae because there's no way he could ignore his favorite hyung.

Jinyoung was excited. The last time he went hiking was when he was on his honeymoon with Jaebum. At that time he was still young and full of spirit. Hiking until the summit didn't seem hard at all. Now he wasn't so sure anymore because of his age but he wanted to give it a try. The last time he was here, he was gone off trails and he wished he could stay on the trails this time. Jaebum was here with him and he believed Jaebum would make sure everyone— _he_ —didn't go off trails.

Jaebum gave them a little brief. There was a time-limit if they wanted to make it to the summit. They must begin to make their way down before 2:30 p.m. because the hike down became rather dangerous once it got dark. Jinyoung couldn't take his eyes from Jaebum's back as his husband led the group. His back looked so strong, so wide, so safe that he couldn't help but fall in love with him a little bit more. Jinyoung still didn't describe Jaebum as spectacular but his husband was charming on his own way. He had this leader aura around him and he looked so breathtaking when he bravely walked in front of the group, making sure they were on the right trails. Fortunately, it was a forested area and it was so well protected. They even bumped into a deer chewing on the grass just ten minutes into their hike. Yugyeom and Bambam quickly took out their phone to capture their moment but his oldest son forgot to mute his phone and deer ran as soon as it heard the sound of the shutter. Youngjae sighed in disappointment meanwhile Hyunjin muttered 'stupid Bambam' under his breath.

There weren't many people and Jinyoung honestly was glad. That meant less distractions and a quieter environment, just like how he liked it. He tried to soak up the atmosphere. The early section was beautiful. The stream was low, creating all those rock pools that vividly reflected the green trees surrounding them. And the wildflowers were fantastic. So many shades of blue and purple. Jinyoung tempted to go exploring down the river but he kept reminding himself to stay on the trails.

They've been hiking for over an hour. An hour of mosquito-slapping, horse-fly-buzzing, and children-whining. Bambam couldn't stop spraying his bug spray. The forest was full of insects and mosquitoes. Hyunjin kept scratching his hands and his neck. He felt itchy and it made him grumpier. Jinyoung still waited for a perfect time to approach him. Jaebum told them that they were almost reached their first pit stop and encouraged them to keep going.

The good times couldn't last forever. Jinyoung should have known that better. Things were going well at first and they were making a great time despite Hyunjin's grumpiness. That was until a staircase rising up into the mists announced the start of the climb to come. They went up, and up, and up. The trail was in good condition all the way but those steps never seemed to end. Bambam started to get cranky. Yugyeom was silently watching over him. He looked like he wanted to hold his hand but he knew Bambam wouldn't appreciate it. “It would make my hands become more sweaty, you ass!” he'd say. Youngjae was having a hard time to control his breath and Mark suggested him to stop but his oldest son was persistent. That made his parents more worried. Jackson and Mark ended up walking behind Youngjae, making sure their sunshine wouldn't fall or faint.

After a little over an hour, the appearance of Yongjingak Shelter was a welcome relief and the perfect place to stop for a bite to eat for lunch, a bathroom break, and rest their weary legs.

 

“I'm going to die,” Bambam said as soon as he laid flat on his back on the ground, breathing heavily. Yugyeom crouched down beside him, wiping his sweaty face.

“You’re doing really great, baby.”

“I'm going to pee!”

“Sunshine, I'll go with you.”

 

Mark and Youngjae went to the toilet together. Jaebum and Jackson were sitting on the ground, talking in a hushed voice. They didn't look tired or out of breath at all. They looked perfectly fine and it pissed Jinyoung because he was exhausted. His legs almost gave up. He gulped down his water, breathing sharply through his nose. His lungs burning and he was sweating. A lot.

 

“Are you okay, baby?” Jaebum asked. His brows furrowed, real concern evident in his expression as he slowly got up from where he was sitting to approach him. Something inside Jinyoung fluttered as Jaebum crouched down in front of him, his hands on his knees.

“You okay?”

Jinyoung nodded dumbly. “Y-yes.”

Jaebum reached out to wipe sweat from his temple. “I think you need to start working out again.”

Jinyoung slapped his hand away and pouted.

“You mean I am old,” he said, folding his arms across his chest. “Well, I'm sorry Mr. Beast. But you must know that not everyone as strong and tough as you are.”  

“I didn't say that. You said it yourself.” Jaebum said with warm amusement in his deep voice. Jinyoung glared at him.

“Jaebum!”

Jaebum laughed and his whole body shook with the laughter. His eyes sparkled and Jinyoung felt something tugging at his heart.

“Maybe we can run together again on weekends,” Jaebum suggested, smiling warmly at him. “We used to run together, remember?”

 

Jinyoung's mind drifted back to when they were still sixteen. They were still a trainee. Jaebum and Jinyoung used to run together before or after practice at Han River. They ran five to seven miles a day. Sometimes they spent their weekends running. At dawn, Jaebum would wake him up. Jinyoung didn’t really like exercise but he’d run with Jaebum if that meant more time with him. Jaebum always smelled fantastic in the morning. Jinyoung still remembered his smell. He smelled like toothpaste, a hint of his morning coffee, and like wood. He smelled like home and all male—he still smelled like that but Jinyoung didn’t always notice. And no matter how tired or sleepy Jinyoung was, he never refused Jaebum's offer. They stopped running together after Jinyoung twisted his ankle shortly after they got married. Jinyoung missed it. He missed their old routines. Thinking about it brought a warm and pleasant feeling in his chest.

 

“We could do that,” Jinyoung finally said. “Running together.”

Jaebum's smile widened. “Yeah?”

Jinyoung smiled back. “Yeah.”

“I'm sorry to interrupt, lovebirds. We need to get going now.” Jackson said. Jaebum nodded at him and then looked back at Jinyoung again.

“You sure you can keep going?”

Jinyoung nodded. “I'm okay. Don't worry.”

“Okay then. Just tell me if you need anything. Promise?”

Jinyoung's heart fluttered again as he nodded.

“Promise.”

 

Jaebum patted Jinyoung's knees twice before getting up to lead the group again.

 

* * *

 

A few minutes after they started hiking again they came to a steeper part of the path. Jinyoung exhaled sharply as he stared at the rocky path ahead of him which seemed to stretch forever. Jaebum who was leading in the front became more cautious. He made sure everyone was safe. It was just so like his Jaebum to put others before himself. Jinyoung thought the only thing that made the hike easier and enjoyable was bumping into friendly locals who occasionally would greet them with a smile and cheer them on. Despite the tiring conditions and the onset of burning thigh muscles, they kept going. Sweating profusely, panting and grunting to one another instead of exchanging audible human speech, they finally arrived at Soraoureum, the midway shelter, at 12.30 p.m, barely making it in time.

Mark, Jackson, and Jaebum restock on drinkable water. Youngjae, Yugyeom, and Bambam went to purchase _ramyeon_ and other snacks. Only Jinyoung and Hyunjin stayed to enjoy the scenery before them. Around here the air got lot thinner and the temperature began to drop slightly. Jinyoung could feel the fatigue began to set in but he tried to shake it off. It was the perfect time for bonding with his youngest son. Hyunjin didn't seem upset anymore. He took a lot of pictures and began smiling. Jinyoung assumed it was okay to talk to him now.

 

“So, how is it? Hiking?” Jinyoung started, moving closer to Hyunjin. His youngest son hummed.

“Not bad. But I don't think I could walk for the rest of the week.”

Jinyoung laughed. “I feel you.”

“I still want to go to the beach after this!”

“Okay. I'll talk to your dad.”

 

Hyunjin only nodded as he began to take more pictures of himself. Jinyoung's mind drifted back again to when he was pregnant with Hyunjin. He felt like garbage that whole pregnancy. He gained more weight with Hyunjin. He had more pain. His fingers got so swollen that he'd stare at them and end up crying—most of the time. He was always got tired even when he didn't do anything. Too tired to clean up the house. Too tired to have sex. Too tired to greet Jaebum when he came in the door after work. Too tired to even move. When he was eight months pregnant, he stayed on the bed or the couch most of the time. The truth was, Jinyoung was upset when he found out he was going to have another boy. Mostly because he still wanted to have a daughter. He wanted to mother a girl. He thought it would be more fun than being a mother to a boy. But then Hyunjin arrived and Jinyoung never thought about a daughter anymore.

There were a lot of things he remembered about Hyunjin's childhood. When he was two and had a horrible ear infection and wouldn't stop crying, Jinyoung was so distraught at seeing him in pain that he climbed into his crib and held him until he fell asleep. Hyunjin didn't wake up for almost ten hours, not even when the crib broke. And when he was five and received his first love confession. Hyunjin came to him and told him that there was a girl in kindergarten who kissed his cheek and said that she liked him. Hyunjin was playing with his friends and he was upset because that girl interrupted his play time. He ended up pushing that girl and made her cried but all Jinyoung could hear was his baby boy was being kissed by a girl. He could attract girls when he was still a toddler—Jinyoung liked to exaggerate things sometimes please just let him be—and Jinyoung was afraid that his little Hyunjin would leave him soon. Hyunjin must have felt his distress because the next thing Jinyoung knew; his little Hyunjin patted his knee and said something that broke his heart. “Mama, even when I die, I'll still be your boy.” he'd said. Hyunjin probably didn't remember that but for Jinyoung those are moments in his core memory that he hung on closely to because he didn't want to forget. Never.

A shy laughter broke Jinyoung out of reverie. He blinked and found a girl muttered a small 'I'm sorry' while looking at Hyunjin with her red cheeks. His youngest son smiled politely at her and muttered 'It's okay' back and gave her a nod. Jinyoung's stomach twisted. He couldn't deny the fact that his kids were attractive. Puberty hadn't hit Hyunjin yet but he was a magnet for both girls and boys. Jinyoung didn't know his preference. He didn't want to ask. He wanted Hyunjin to come to him whenever he was ready. So far he didn't show any interest to both girls and boys. He only had two important things in his life: game and sports.

Jinyoung remembered when he gave birth to Hyunjin. After the delivery, after he had slept for a few hours, the nurse brought him to Jinyoung. It was in the middle of the night. Jaebum had gone home to be with Bambam. He peeled back the swaddling blanket. Hyunjin was one of those babies who looked like an old man, by which Jinyoung meant he was the most beautiful baby he had ever seen. He stared at the pair of eyes that looked so much like Jaebum's. His cute nose. His small mouth. His red cheeks. His wrinkle face. And then he looked up and stared at the nurse with tears on his eyes.

 

“I already hate his wife,” He told her.

 

* * *

 

After almost four hours, they finally made it to the summit of Hallasan. And all that toiling was immediately validated because the view from the top was breathtaking. They walked among the clouds and ravens. The kids screamed at the top of their lungs and started taking a lot of pictures. They were all smiley and happy. Jackson and Jaebum fisted bump together, patting each other's shoulders. Jinyoung took a deep breath and closed his eyes. A cold breeze caressing his face and Jinyoung wanted to stay here forever.

 

“It feels so nice here.”

Jinyoung opened his eyes and found Mark already stood next to him. He hummed.

“I feel like I’m going to die but this is worth the struggles.”

Mark chuckled. “You're right.”

There was a moment of silence before Mark made a throat-clearing sound. When he spoke again, he sounded serious and it caught Jinyoung off guard.

“Jinyoungie, I'm glad everything turned out very well in the end. I mean, you and Jaebum.”

Jinyoung's stomach instantly dropped. He stared at his best friend, flabbergasted.  “ _What?_ ”

“Jinyoungie, I know things haven’t been easy between you and Jaebum. I'm not supposed to say this and Jaebum would definitely kill me if he ever found out about this but your husband told me about you and him. Not everything. Only things that I should know.”

Jinyoung took a deep, shaky breath and fisted his hands. His knuckles turned white and then he exhaled in a rush as if he'd been holding his breath. His stomach twisted.

“When...: he tried to speak a little louder but couldn't. “When did he tell you?”

Mark took one of his hands and gripped it tightly. Jinyoung squeezed him back.

“Remember when Yugyeomie and Bambamie fought? That day. You and Jackson were in the kitchen. Jaebum talked to me.”

Jinyoung swallowed loudly. “But... why?”

“What do you mean why, Jinyoung? He knew there's something wrong with you. With the marriage. He knew you weren't happy—“

“No.” Jinyoung cut him off, his voice came out a little sharper than he intended and it held a sharp note of anger. His mouth twisted wryly. “He was the one who wasn't happy with me. With our marriage.”

Mark looked taken aback. He bit his lips and put his hand on his shoulder tentatively.

“Jinyoungie, this family trip was Jaebum's idea. He asked me to help him. He wanted to make amends for causing so much pain and misery for you. He wanted to make up for all the times he had let you down. He said he wanted to try to be better for you.”

 

An aching pain and regret stabbed Jinyoung in the heart. The hidden truth made his eyes stung with fresh tears. It wasn't supposed to go like this. It wasn't supposed to end up like this. Everything had seemed so good when Jinyoung fell asleep last night. Better than good. Maybe better than ever. But Mark just had to open his mouth and tell him things that were hard to believe. Things he'd never really prepared for. It was just too much to take in.

All this time Jinyoung thought Jaebum wasn't happy with him, their marriage, and their life. He didn't know that he was trying to reach him. He didn't know what his husband doing behind his back. He didn't know that Jaebum thought it was him who wasn't happy. He didn't know that Jaebum asked for a help. His Jaebum never asked for a help. He didn't know that Jaebum wanted to make amends. That it was him who made Jinyoung miserable with their marriage when Jinyoung always thought the opposite. He didn't know that his husband wanted to be better for him. Jinyoung always thought he wasn't enough for him. That he should try harder and be better so he could make Jaebum happy again. He wanted him to be happy. He was so blinded by his own feeling that he couldn't see Jaebum's. The realization was like a bucket of cold water dumped over him. Jinyoung's legs gave up but Mark caught him before he fell to the ground. He carefully helped Jinyoung sat down and settled beside him.

 

“I know about Wonpil, too.”

Jinyoung stared at him, his mouth fell open. “ _What?_ ”

“Jinyoungie, you probably weren't aware of this but I knew. I always have. Do you know that Jaebum has always been jealous with Wonpil?”

 

Jinyoung inhaled sharply. He opened his mouth but say something but nothing came out. He closed it again. Yes, Jinyoung wasn't aware of it. He didn't know that his husband had always been jealous of Wonpil. How come? Jaebum never seemed jealous. He never did. Pissed, resentful, tired, bitter, lost—yes. But not jealous. He'd always trusted him with Wonpil. He never said much about him. He never complained about all the time Jinyoung and Wonpil spent together on the phone. And Jinyoung was grateful for that. For Jaebum's acceptance. And then he remembered their fight a few days ago and everything made sense now. _Oh_. _Oh_.

Was that why his husband seemed furious when he saw Wonpil again? Did he feel threatened by Wonpil just like how Jinyoung did toward Ayeon? Did it mean that their feeling was mutual? Jinyoung's pulse fluttered. A new hope sparked inside him. He felt it bursting inside him, lighting up all the places that had been so dark the past few months.

 

“I didn't know what happened on my wedding day. I know you guys fought again but Jaebum didn’t say much about that night. But he told me that he took Wonpil to the airport and they had a talk.”

Jinyoung's eyes widened. “He took Wonpil to the airport and talked to him?”

“Yes. He told me that he knew he was being ridiculous. Getting jealous and all. He knows that Wonpil is important to you and he would never make you choose.”

Jinyoung's eyes glistened with welling tears. He reached out for his hands and Mark quickly pulled him into a tight hug.

“It's okay, honey,” he whispered in his ears. “You're gonna be okay. Jaebum loves you. He loves you. Always have and always will.”

 

There was no way to stop the tears after that. They came in a hot flood, blurring his vision and closing his throat. His mind was racing. He thought of Jaebum. His Jaebum. And their fight. Their ugly fight. And their wedding ring. Oh, God. Jinyoung had thrown the wedding ring and it was gone now. Forever. And he hadn't apologized yet to Jaebum. He threw something very important in their life and almost ruined their marriage. He needed Jaebum. He had to talk to him. He had to find him. He had to... God, what should he do? Jinyoung's mind filled with Jaebum and he couldn't think of anything else now.

Jaebum, Jaebum, Jaebum. _Jaebum._

 

* * *

 


	10. The Keeper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, this is babysteph. I don't usually write long notes but since this is the last chapter, I want to express my gratitude to all of you. Thank you so much. Thank you. I had so much fun writing this story. Reading your comments always make me happy and I get to know your point of view of this story. I would miss this fic. And I would definitely miss all of you. I know this is short but I hope you'll like it :')

* * *

Jaebum informed them that their time was up and the kids whined in dissapointment because they didn't want to go home yet. They wanted to stay a little bit longer but Jaebum gently told me that it would be really dangerous if they didn't go down now and he promised them to come back there next year. Jaebum led the group again as they began to make their way down. After his talk with Mark, Jinyoung didn't talk much. He was drained; both mentally and physically. Jinyong slowed down his steps, not catching up with the others. There were a lot of things going on his mind right now and he needed some space to breathe. He was dying to talk to Jaebum, to reach out for him, to be close with him, but at the same time, he wasn't ready. Not yet. He still needed time to himself so he could think straight. There were a lot of things Jinyoung wanted to say to Jaebum. Things so Jaebum knew that he didn't have to reach out all the way because Jinyoung would gladly meet him half-way. Things so he knew that Jinyoung was ready. Things so Jaebum knew that Jinyoung was here, right here with him, and that he would never leave. Never again.

Jinyoung was so deep in his thoughts that he didn't realize when he stopped walking and decided to sit on one of the steps. A rustling sound of grass snapped him out of his reverie and he found himself already alone. He was alone and it's getting dark. There was no sight of his family. No sight of Jaebum. Jinyoung had gone off trail. Again. Trying not to panic, Jinyoung took out his phone only to find the device was dead. Now how was he going to call Jaebum? He didn't bring his wrist watch but he knew the sky would turn dark soon. And he didn't bring a flashlight. And his bottle was empty. Great. Fuck.

If Jinyoung was going to have a delusional, paranoid breakdown about his husband would never come to him, it made sense that he'd flash back to the one time Jaebum managed to find him crying at the base of pine tree a very long time ago. Jinyoung couldn't believe that it happened again. Under different circumstances but still. He couldn't believe he let this happened again; profliagate drifting. Senseless drifting. As if they had all the daylight left in the world to make it to the top of Hallasan.

Jinyoung sat there helplessly, staring ahead, waiting for someone. For Jaebum to come and find him. Jinyoung didn't know how long he had been there but he knew Jaebum would immediately realize that something was very wrong the moment he couldn't find Jinyoung among the group. He would know that Jinyoung had gone off trail. Jinyoung hoped Jaebum would look at his watch and say to himself; Jinyoung was gone. And then he would run to get him.

One, Jinyoung whispered Jaebum’s name desperately. Two, three…

Burying his face on his hands, a sob escaped Jinyoung's mouth. As the hot tears poured out, Jinyoung realized that he had never cried that way in his life. No, it wasn't going to happen again. Jaebum would find him. He would bring him home. He wouldn't let him gone off the trail for too long.

Four, five, six…

_Jaebum, please, hurry up._ _Find me._

 

* * *

 

“Where's Jinyoung?”

As soon as the words escaped Jaebum's mouth, everyone stopped walking and turned around but there was no one there. Jinyoung wasn't there with them. He was nowhere to be seen. It was a dead silence after that. Jaebum's blood ran cold as he walked past Jackson to approach Hyunjin who looked pale as a ghost.  

“Hyunjin, did you notice when your mother stopped walking beside you?”

Hyunjin's whole body trembled as he shook his head slowly, his face blank. His eyes prickled with tears.

“N-no,” he stuttered, gasping for air. “He—he was here, dad. I swear. Mom was beside me but—but I don't know. Dad, I'm sorry.”

“Ssh, it's okay, baby.” Jaebum put his hand around his shoulder, squeezing it gently. “It's not your fault, Hyunjin.”

“MOM?” Bambam yelled and his loud voice boomed back at him. He gulped loudly, trying to slow his heart rate down. “MOM, CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

A silence was their answer. Nobody answered. No sight of Jinyoung.

“Jaebum, I think Jinyoung is gone off trail.” Jackson told him carefully. Jaebum sighed and braced himself for their reaction. He knew it. He knew that Jinyoung was definitely going off trail.  

 

Youngjae gasped loudly, his tears came fast. Mark put his arms around his oldest son, whispering sweet nothings to his ears. Youngjae was very sensitive and quick to panic. Mark was worried but he couldn't show it because it would affect Youngjae. Hyunjin quickly moved closer to Bambam and his brother was quick to envelop him in his arms. He let out a loud sob and Bambam hugged him, rubbing his back gently to calm him down. Yugyeom stood right next to Bambam, one of his hand wrapped protectively around Bambam's waist. He didn't say anything but worry was evident in his face.

 

“Jackson, please take everyone down before it's getting dark here,” Jaebum said, trying to sound calm. The riot of emotions he felt had his heart racing. He exhaled slowly and stayed composed. “I'll go up again and find Jinyoung.”

“Be careful, Jaebum. Do you bring your flashlight?” Mark reminded him, still rocking a sobbing Youngjae in his arms. Jaebum nodded at him.

“Don't worry. I'm gonna be okay.”

“Dad,” Hyunjin called between his sobs. “Please find him.”

“Please bring him home.” Bambam added, staring at his father through his wet lashes. His raw emotions made Jaebum's breath caught. Negative thoughts started to run into his head. His heart rate quickened and his stomach churned.

He exhaled sharply and gave them a small nod.

“I will,” he promised. “I'll find him and bring him home.”

 

Jaebum turned around and quickly ran up the trails. His mind was buzzing with terrible what-ifs. What if something bad happened to Jinyoung? What if he got hurt? What if he got cramps and couldn’t walk? What if he didn't remember the way down? Jaebum fastened his steps and started to yell Jinyoung's name out loud—old-fashioned way since his phone was useless right now. It was all too familiar for him; the scene, the situation, the dread feeling at the pit of his stomach. Jaebum needed to find him fast. He needed to see him. Jaebum needed to tell him something. He hadn't told Jinyoung that it would all be fine. They would be fine. He hadn't told him just how much he loved him. He hadn't told him that the only thing that matter the most in his life was his presence. Jaebum needed to tell him that he was sorry. He was sorry for everything. For the bad things that happened in their marriage. For the pain, misery, tears, and emptiness. Jaebum needed to find him so he could pull him into his arms and never let go again. He needed to have him in his arms so Jinyoung knew everything would be all right after this.

Jaebum's legs almost gave up but he didn't stop running. Come on, Jaebum. You could do this. Things wouldn't always good. There were always bad days and good days, but at least he tried. He could see it: the marriage and the rest of his life with Jinyoung. He could never predict the next five minutes with Jinyoung. It would always be unpredictable and he could never guess the ending. And even if he would be miserable sometimes, Jaebum wasn't going to complain or ask for more. Because that was okay. It was more than okay for Jaebum because Jinyoung was more alive than everything else in his life. He felt his cheeks warm just thinking about seeing him again. The future was going to happen, even if Jaebum wasn't ready for it. Even if he was never ready for it. At least he would have Jinyoung with him. Because that's the point of life. To find someone to share it with. And when he was thinking about the future, all he could see was Jinyoung. He could picture himself standing next to him, next to the person he loved more than everything else, and it was perfect.

Jaebum stopped running, his breath caught in his chest.  

And there he was.

Jaebum's heart rate sped up and his palms grew damp.

There Jinyoung was, sitting on one of the steps and sobbing like a child. And he looked so lost and fragile that it hurt Jaebum’s heart to see him like that. The sight of him spurred a reaction so abrupt it was like a physical blow for Jaebum. His breath quickened, his entire being responding to the sight of Jinyoung with a rush of yearning. It felt like years since he'd last seen him, instead of mere minutes.

Finally, Jaebum had found him.

 

* * *

 

Black ink hair, pale skin, a pair of burning eyes that stared at him with so many emotions. A look on his face Jinyoung had never seen before. Like it was the first time he saw Jinyoung. Jaebum stopped. His mouth was open, breathing heavily. Jinyoung felt his heart leap at the sight of him.

“Jaebum,” Jinyoung whispered, loud enough for his husband to hear.

Jaebum stilled. Three seconds passed. Five. Ten. Jaebum still didn’t move a single muscle. But he was there. He was right there. He was within his reach. All Jinyoung had to do was reach out and he’d be safe in his arms again.

“Jaebum,” he whispered, his voice cracked. He felt fresh tears building in the back of his throat. When he finally had enough courage to reach out for his husband, his hand was shaking.  

“You showed up.”

Jaebum blinked at him. After a heartbeat or two, he finally took a step toward Jinyoung. And then he took another one. Another, and another again, and _finally_. Finally he was right in front of Jinyoung. He reached for Jinyoung's hand and Jinyoung felt settled when his husband met him halfway and gripped his firmly. He crouched down and emotion quickly flooded Jinyoung. A loud sob burst through his lips.  

Jaebum. Jaebum, Jaebum, Jaebum.

“You're here,” Jinyoung said again.

 

Jaebum was here. And he was here with him. He was real. It felt like Jinyoung had been waiting for him, for this moment to come for eighteen years. Now, he was here. Jaebum settled his hands on his knees as if he was afraid that Jinyoung would leap away. There was no mistaking the love and hope in his eyes when Jaebum looked at him. It tightened Jinyoung's throat to see it. Jinyoung had always wanted to say something to him. To ask him things. But now that he had the chance to do it, it seemed like the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. But he knew they needed this. They had grown apart for so long and Jinyoung just wanted everything to be back as it used to be. He couldn't keep fighting with him about the same things over and over again. He couldn't go another day, pretending everything's fine, talking in that stupid cheerful voice when he knew so well that Jaebum was quietly unhappy and miserable. As he pulled Jaebum's hand into his lap and cupped it with both of his, he felt the same love and hope that he did.

 

“Jaebum,” Jinyoung started, staring at him through blurry eyes. He asked the first thing that popped up in his head. “Do you hate me?”

Jaebum’s eyes widened, clearly not expecting that kind of question.

“Jinyoungie,” Jaebum sounded surprised. And hurt. “I never hate you. I could never hate you.”

Bile rose in Jinyoung’s throat and he forced down a sob. “You do. You hate what I do to your life, to us, and that's the same thing as hating me. That’s just as bad. No, that's worse.”

“Jesus. Jinyoung, I don’t hate you. And I certainly don’t hate my life.” He spat, his jaw set. Now he looked pissed. “You’re not making sense.”

“I just want to get it over with.” He couldn’t contain a sob that broke in his voice.

“What? Us?”

“No!” Jinyoung cried, cradling Jaebum's hand against his chest. “I just... I'm sorry. I'm sorry.”

“Baby,” Jaebum's voice softened. He reached out to wipe his tears. “I don't hate you, okay? Please stop saying that I hate you. Stop using that word. It hurts me.”

Jinyoung sobbed. “But I couldn't stop thinking that way. You’re unhappy and both of us know that.”

Jaebum took a deep breath and when he looked up to stare at Jinyoung, his gaze intense and only focused on him.

“Jaebum had a very bad year. Jaebum is not trying to make excuses for himself. Jaebum should have told Jinyoung about his bad year.”

Jinyoung gave him a perplexed look. “Jaebum, why are you talking about yourself in the third person?”

“I'm trying to speak your language. To your face. Say something.”

“Tell me the truth, Jaebum. Are you happy in our marriage?”

Jaebum exhaled sharply. “That’s not a small question.”

“You at least owe me that. You have to answer it.”

Jinyoung watched as Jaebum licked his dry lips; a small gesture that showed he was nervous.

“Fair enough,” Jaebum said, his voice throbbed with emotions. He held Jinyoung’s gaze as he continued. “If you asked me a few months ago I would have said no. You were unhappy and so was I. I was troubled over how far we had grown apart and how distant we had become. I had no idea who you were anymore, what you wanted or what you dreamed about. And it had been so long since I had asked you. I wasn't sure I was capable of having that conversation, at least not face-to-face. But I knew I had to do something. You were miserable. _I_ made you miserable.”

Jinyoung quickly shook his head. He opened his mouth to say something but Jaebum beat him first. He took one of Jinyoung’s hands and brought it to his lips, kissing his knuckles gently. His gaze was soft, warm, and always intense. Tears welled in Jinyoung’s eyes again.

“I can't promise you that everything will be perfect," Jaebum said. “But I can promise you that I'll try harder. I'll try to be better for you. I'll try to make things easier for you. I'll try not to let you down. And I promise you that I won't take you for granted.”

 

Jaebum let go of Jinyoung's hand to take something out from his pocket. And then he held out his hand and Jinyoung's hand flew to his mouth as he stared at his wedding ring. It nestled safely on Jaebum's palm; the one that he threw out of the street a few days ago when Jaebum and he had the argument about something—Jinyoung wasn't sure what they were arguing about. The ring that his grandmother gave to his mother and then he gave it to Jaebum eighteen years ago, the ring that Jinyoung so cavalierly tossed away. Jinyoung couldn’t believe that he could see it again. He was so certain that he lost it forever. That there was no way he could have it again. But it was there. Jaebum had it with him all along. His husband found the ring.

 

“How…” Jinyoung’s throat went dry. “How did you find it?”

Jaebum smiled as he stoked the ring. He held it as if he was afraid it would disappear again.

“That night when we fight, I didn’t run after you because I knew I had to save the ring first so I could save you, us, our marriage. I ran into the middle of the busy street like a madman. I caused a ruckus and the police officer had to drag me out. I tried to explain to him that I had to find my wedding ring. He didn’t care. He said I shouldn’t be in the middle of the street because that’s dangerous. I was about to punch him in the face when I heard a dog barking loudly. You know, in that kind of situation, I wasn’t supposed to pay attention to my surroundings. But I don’t know. When I heard it, I just had to turn around. I think it was a sign. You know I don’t believe in sign at all. But then that dog running in my direction and I saw it. I saw the sign and it was right there. So clear and bright that it was impossible not to see it. Something shiny and something very familiar between his sharp teeth. That dog ran past me and I chased after it. I almost lost my fingers when I tried to pull it out between his teeth. But it was worth it. In the end, everything was worth the struggle.”

Jinyoung tried to take a deep breath and it caught in his throat like a millstone. He dropped his gaze to the ring, and then back to Jaebum's brilliant face.

“You know there's something engraved on the inside of the ring, right?” Jaebum asked as he took Jinyoung’s right hand and slipped it back onto his third finger with deliberate slowness.

 

As soon as the ring was on his finger, as soon as he had it again on his slender finger, his world finally settled into its proper position again. Suddenly Jinyoung remembered a conversation he had with his mother right after she gave the ring to Jaebum. She told Jinyoung that she always knew he would end up being with Jaebum. She told him about their connection and she said it wasn't hard to predict their future; that no matter what happened, as long as they were always together, they would be fine. She told him that if she had to pass his ring to someone, that someone had to be Jaebum. She didn't pass the ring to his sisters' husbands not because she didn't trust them. It was simply because her heart wouldn't allow it. And when Jaebum came to her and ask her blessing, she knew that Jaebum was the right person. Jaebum had cried in her mother's arms that night, thanking her for everything.

His mother had always been supportive to him and always be there with him every step of the way. She was there for forty-five Christmases, Easters, and birthdays. Back in the day, she was always sitting in the front row at every concert. And now his mother was here. There she was, speaking to Jinyoung as if no time has ever passed, telling him exactly what he needed to know.

At that moment, as Jinyoung realized that he was lucky enough to get a second chance to fix everything, he decided that he didn’t want a perfect marriage. He didn’t want a perfect Jaebum. He thought he would hate his life even more if everything was perfect. He wanted to keep fighting with Jaebum over small things. He wanted to complain to Jaebum when he forgot to close the cupboard after he opened it or when he didn’t refill the pitcher no matter how often Jinyoung had reminded him. He wanted to give him a silent treatment for three hours whenever he forgot to call Jinyoung before he spent the night in his studio. Jinyoung wanted bad days. He wanted more I-don’t-want-to-see-you-get-out-of-my-face-shithead days. He wanted I-can’t-believe-I-love-someone-like-you days. His point was, Jinyoung would take everything. As long as it was Jaebum, then he would accept everything. Whatever life threw at his face, he’d gladly take it.  

Sometimes things we lose come back to us. Not usually, but sometimes, they do. Jinyoung knew both he and Jaebum had made some mistakes and done some things they wish they could take back. Like everyone else, sometimes they would feel lost and didn’t know what to do. But it would pass. Everything would be fine in the end. Jinyoung knew they would be fine now.

 

“Yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking,” Jaebum said, his voice came out as a whisper. “That’s what it says.”

“Anna Karenina.” Jinyoung breathed, his mouth fell open as he examined his ring. “I read that book on the way here and I underlined _that_ line.”

A soft chuckle escaped Jaebum’s mouth. His eyes lighted up as he stared at Jinyoung’s face.

“I guess it was your sign.” He said. “If you’re a person who believes in signs.”

“I am.”

Jaebum’s lifted one of his eyebrows. “Since when?”

“Since forever.”

Jinyoung reached out and took his face in his hands. He sank his eyes into his as deeply as he could and caressed his cheeks gently.

“I’m sorry.” He said. Big, fat tears overflowed his eyes and ran silently down his face and over his lips. “I didn’t make it easy for you. I was hard to find.”

“You've been dropping clues and wanting to be discovered. I was just so slow on the uptake.” Jaebum placed his hand on top of Jinyoung’s and squeezed it gently. “And I made a promise to you a long time ago, remember? I promised you that no matter how far you wandered, how far you went off trail, I would come after you. I would find you and I would bring you home.”

Jinyoung gripped Jaebum's hand fiercely and felt a rush of relief flooded him as his heart began to pound furiously. Something deep inside him felt alive again after a very long time. Finally, finally.

“Are you ready to go home, baby?”

“Yes,” Jinyoung said before throwing himself into his safe arms.

“Finally you're here,” he whispered.

Jinyoung tightened his hold. “I'm home, Jaebum.”

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the whole of the story, the whole of my heart. 
> 
> Xoxo,   
> Babysteph.

**Author's Note:**

> P.S. I've changed my username. It's lueursept before and now it's: baby2steph.


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